Should I Stay or Should I Go?

As I sit here in front of my computer, desperately wanting to write but afraid that it's been so long that maybe I've forgotten how or lost my touch, I continue to wrestle with the one word that seems to follow me around and torment me wherever I go: should. It's like my shadow - I can't get rid of it, no matter how hard I try. And "should" frequently turns darker and heavier, the more time and thought I give it.

You should write a blog post. You haven't in awhile. Why do you even have a blog, if you're not going to write in it? What are you doing with your life?

You should do something productive today, like laundry, or cleaning, or landscaping work. It's not going to do itself. You wanted this. What will people think of you, if you can't keep up your house?

You should be happy. Things are finally looking up for you! You own your own home, you have a great job, you have amazing family and community and are developing the kind of close friendships you've desired for years. You have almost everything you've ever wanted... why can't you be content? What's wrong with you?

Sometimes, my "shoulds" push me to go just a little bit further, like someone training for a marathon. But more often than not, they show me all the ways I haven't measured up to expectations, like that student who gets 99/100 on an exam and can't celebrate the A for the sake of that one question they should have known the answer to. It's exhausting, never being enough. It's empty. It's "like chasing the wind," according to Ecclesiastes. And Solomon, the author, would know - he, too, eventually had everything, but came to the end of himself and instead of finding satisfaction, found discontent. "Everything is meaningless," he repeats over and over throughout the book.

We are hard-wired to seek perfection, because we were created in God's (perfect) image. Our souls long for it, because they were designed with perfection in mind. But even when we had it, back in the beginning, we weren't satisfied - we thought we wanted more, and the devil capitalized on that:

One day [the serpent] asked the woman, "Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?"

"Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden," the woman replied. "It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, 'You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.'"

"You won't die!" the serpent replied to the woman. "God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil."

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. Genesis 3:1-6

"Fantastic," I can hear you saying. "So I was created to crave perfection, but I can't achieve it, I'll never be satisfied, and everything is meaningless. Is that the point you're trying to convey? Isn't that hugely disappointing and discouraging?"

Well, yes. It is... if the story stopped there. But Jesus came, lived a perfect life in this imperfect world, and became a sacrifice for us because we aren't capable of meeting God's standards. His blood paid - and continues to pay - and will pay - for all our imperfections. So every time I feel like I'm not enough, and I "should" something else, I can remember that Christ is enough, so I don't have to be. And thank goodness for that, because I can't.

"Ah, ok," you say. "Then I don't have to do anything. No obligations!" ...Technically, if you believe in Christ, then yes. But my friend James says "faith without works is dead."

You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can't you see that faith without good deeds is useless? James 2:19-20

So no, I'm not saying there should be no more "shoulds." But the devil definitely still manipulates "should" from a healthy guilt into a false guilt to try to trap us. False guilt isn't true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, or admirable. It's instead focused around fear of disapproval. That doesn't benefit anyone, especially myself! Go back and re-read my "shoulds" from above - don't you see how they all spiraled into self-defeating lies?

Let's re-write them so they're based in truth:

You should write a blog post. You always have such rich insights to share with others, no matter the size of your audience. Your thoughts are valid and useful!

You should do something productive today, like laundry, or cleaning, or landscaping work. God has blessed you with such nice things, and it is good that you appreciate them and take care of them so diligently!

You should be happy. Things are finally looking up for you! You own your own home, you have a great job, you have amazing family and community and are developing the kind of close friendships you've desired for years. You have almost everything you've ever wanted! But it's ok to still struggle sometimes, even when things are going well. God will always meet you where you're at.

To close, a small bit of wisdom that allows us to come full circle: I can't make my shadow go away, but I notice it less if I focus my attention up at the light instead of down on myself. "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2

Good grief: a Frozen II commentary

I saw Frozen II last night. If you haven't seen it, go! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Also, there are going to be spoilers for both Frozen and Frozen II in this blog, so consider yourself warned.

As with all Disney movies, there are things to appreciate about the movie as an adult. We could talk about a lot of them. I hardcore relate to Elsa, Olaf is hilarious, and Kristoff's song in Frozen II is one big amazing homage to 80s rock ballads. If you've read any of my other posts, you know I love a good parody. 😏

There is a lot to love and appreciate - but I'm here to talk about Anna, and how relatable she is as a character who experiences grief.

In the first movie, we see Anna and her sister lose their parents during the "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" song. Anna has been rejected by her sister Elsa for most of her life. At a certain point, Anna gives up on the relationship. So, she has been lonely for awhile when her parents die tragically at sea. Anna longs to connect with her sister Elsa, her last remaining relative, especially at this moment when she is feeling so isolated and alone:

Elsa, please, I know you're in there
People are asking where you've been
They say, "have courage," and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you
Just let me in

We only have each other
It's just you and me

What are we gonna do?

Unfortunately, Anna is getting no support from her sister. She is desperate for affection. So desperate, that she literally falls for the first man who pays any attention to her: Hans. We all know how that ends... 🙄

But, that's how Disney subverted expectations for its first Frozen film! Because the true love of a sister thaws Anna's frozen heart, not the true love of some recently-met prince. Anna and Elsa start to mend their relationship, and as an added bonus, Anna meets and starts to fall for Kristoff, a much more genuine man.

Fast forward to Frozen II. It's been a few years. The kingdom of Arendelle is doing pretty well under Elsa, Elsa and Anna are on much better terms, and Anna and Kristoff will probably be engaged soon. But Elsa is feeling restless and still a bit like she doesn't belong, since she is the only person with ice powers. At the first sign of something intriguing, she feels drawn to investigate. What if there is something more out there - or someone else like herself?

After working so hard to mend their bond, Anna is terrified to let Elsa go by herself. Her loyalty and devotion is fierce. "She's my sister!" she exclaims several times. Anna won't lose someone again - she can't. This fear exhibits itself in her desperate attempts to follow her sister at all costs, regardless of the danger or Elsa's protests. It even shows up in Anna's relationship with Kristoff, where she routinely looks for reasons why he is going to break up with her (rather than reasons why he is about to propose, as is the case).

Anna is so fixated on clinging to her sister, she doesn't think twice about stranding Kristoff alone in the woods somewhere without telling him where she is going. Elsa is determined to get to the bottom of what's going on, but doesn't want to endanger Anna - so she literally pushes Anna away. This ultimately results in a very dark place for Anna: she is in a cave by herself, where no one knows she's stuck, and the death of Olaf indicates her sister likely just died. Anna's worst fear has come true. She has lost everyone she loves. She is alone.

All of this results in one of the most powerful, relatable, and yet encouraging songs - "The Next Right Thing":

I've seen dark before
But not like this
This is cold
This is empty
This is numb
The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb

I follow you around
I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for?
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing

I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath
This next step
This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn, what comes then
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear that voice

And do the next right thing

I don't think anything quite encapsulates disappointment, discouragement, and depression quite like this song. And yet, it also clearly identifies what to do in just such a situation: the next right thing.

I've got a friend who has (several times!) mentioned the very same thing, when I have expressed how discouraged or hopeless I feel in a situation. She prays that God shows me the next step to take. "You don't need to know your whole future," she'll say. "You just need the next step." After that step, there will be another step. And another. Life is just one 'next right thing' after another until you look back and realize just how far you've come.

We could psychoanalyze Anna some more, but I think that's enough for today. And fear not: things end up working out pretty well for the Frozen gang and Anna.

If you're ever struggling, take a page out of Anna's book. Slow down and take life one step at a time. Just do the next right thing.

Tell me the answer.

I watch the TV show The Good Place. It's full of philosophy, comedy, drama. Kristen Bell is hilarious. I recommend checking it out. Season 3 recently dropped on Netflix. 😉

I couldn't remember if I had already watched season 3 (live)... so I re-watched the last episode. Déjà vu: definitely had already seen it. There is something Janet says toward the end of the episode that I think is profound:

"If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be... special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design; it would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria."

I can relate to this in so many ways. There is so much mystery in this world - its history, its plants and animals and the way they are designed, all the complexities of humans... even the vast, emptiness of space! We've been on this earth for thousands of years already, and there are still so many things we know nothing about. But if we knew it all - if there was no mystery - would any of it have meaning anymore? I think not understanding all the intricacies of God and not having it all figured out gives life more value. It's one of the reasons why I can't get behind the big bang theory: do you really think all of life came down to chance? Dumb luck? Million-to-one odds? If that's true... doesn't that make everything a lot less special?

Knowing Jesus, then, is euphoria. He's that one thing that really seems to make sense. Without Him, we're here for a little while, and then gone. "The universe is just made of pain," according to Eleanor. With Him, we're still just here for a little while. There's also still pain. But after our time here is over, we don't just cease to exist. We get to be with our Creator, forever, in a place without pain. And we are called to a higher purpose while we are here: to share the gospel, and to be more Christ-like.

I've wrestled a lot recently with the idea of why God doesn't communicate with us directly anymore, like an all-powerful, thunderous voice from the sky. I've argued (mostly with myself) that it would be easier. It would save me a lot of confusion. You could just tell me what to do, Lord, and then I would know your will, and I would do it!

Funny thing is, though, that didn't always seem to work out in the Old Testament. God proved Himself many times, and would tell people like Abraham and Moses to do things. Sometimes they would do just as He said, and things worked out great! Sometimes they misinterpreted God or took things into their own hands because they weren't patient enough, and things turned out poorly. Sometimes they didn't trust God despite His promises, and asked Him to send anyone else. (Oh, Moses... always the skeptic. I think we'd get along in our insecurities. 😆)

The more I think about it, I'm not sure hearing God's voice in the literal sense would necessarily change anyone's approach. It should... but we're still human. We're still impatient, and defiant, and scared. If God gave us a bigger picture of His plan for our lives - that might make it even worse. How many people would choose to follow His will, if they knew upfront all the challenges they would face? Having that kind of knowledge would be daunting and overwhelming at best... paralyzing at worst.

No, I think God works best in the mystery. In the still, small voice that nudges you in a direction. I still struggle with picking up on the voice sometimes. In fact, I think a lot of the time, the voice is easily missed. Sometimes, it's completely silent. The path isn't always very clear... but I can see it when I turn around and look back. That's when it finally makes sense, and I have an "aha" moment and feel that euphoria. If I knew exactly how it would unfold ahead, it wouldn't be as meaningful, or I might straight up try to avoid it. As always, God's way is the best way. He knows us all too well.