Let's call it a wrap!

I started this NaNoWriMo adventure spontaneously the day of, with no plan and no expectations. These last ten days have been an interesting ride, and I've definitely learned a lot... but I also know when it's time to fold, so I'm cashing in my chips. (Ten days in a row is still good and a new record for me, in terms of both consistency and frequency! There are no losers in a writing challenge.) The "official" goal is 50,000 words in 30 days (1,667 words per day), so for the sake of curiosity, this is how I stacked up:

Word count:

Day 1 - 822
Day 2 - 1,232
Day 3 - 124
Day 4 - 618
Day 5 - 46
Day 6 - 911
Day 7 - 983
Day 8 - 624
Day 9 - 854
Day 10 - 531

Grand Total: 6,745 words

Average: 600-800 words per day

Of course, that is strictly looking at the body of my blog posts - I'm sure I frequently exceeded the daily word count if you include all my other communications. In summary, 50,000 words sounds like a lot, but I don't think it's quite as much as it appears on the surface. If you had a plan and were writing one novel with consistent characters and settings (and not trying to come up with random blogging ideas every day...), I don't think it would be terrible to write every day, even if you didn't achieve 1,667 words.

That being said - it does require a certain level of persistence (no one just "accidentally" writes a novel), and though I was excited to challenge myself and write about whatever inspired me each day, the act of pointedly sitting down to do so was not always an easy task. If I made a living by writing, I'd like to think there would be no shortage of time in the day to achieve whatever goal I might set my mind to, but it's not always simple or practical to squeeze writing in to an already full schedule of work, chores, the occasional social commitment, and sleep. (I suppose eating is usually somewhere in there, too?)

I believe I could go the full 30 days (although I might be a bit worse for the wear, by that point), but these last ten days, writing has taken the place of most of my spare time, so it comes at the cost of reading books, maintaining my house and personal affairs, and leisure activities that spark my interest and creativity. Overall, I'll chalk this exercise up as a success, and perhaps with more forethought, I'll be able to best myself in the future. Quality over quantity is key, but it's nice to know this task is a little less impossible than I imagined.

Until we meet again!

~

"This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard." Neil Gaiman

"Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on." Louis L'Amour

"You might not write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page. You can't edit a blank page." Jodi Picoult

Remember, remember!

I woke up this morning to bizarre dreams and a headache at what I thought was 10 ish... only for my phone to inform me that it was 8:55 am. Oh, right. Daylight Savings Time. That's today, isn't it? This is far too early to be awake on a Sunday in the middle of a pandemic...

Not only is it Daylight Savings Time - the universal sign that Winter Is Coming - it's also the first of November. Everyone knows what that means, right? "That election day is on November 3rd, and all the political ads and mail and texts and calls will stop soon?" Well... yes. (I hope.) But no!

It's National Novel Writing Month! NaNoWriMo, for short. I've heard friends talk about it for years. So, what is it?

National Novel Writing Month began in 1999 as a daunting but straightforward challenge: to write 50,000 words of a novel in thirty days. Now, each year on November 1, hundreds of thousands of people around the world begin to write, determined to end the month with 50,000 words of a brand new novel. They enter the month as elementary school teachers, mechanics, or stay-at-home parents. They leave novelists. (https://nanowrimo.org/about-nano)

In short, it's a goal and accountability. Write (every day) for a month - write a certain number of words by the end - and do it alongside a bunch of other writers trying to do the same thing.

"So you're participating in this 'NaNoWriMo'... is that what you're saying? You're writing a novel?"

Oh, no. I don't think so. But if you're a writer, let me tell you why you should consider putting yourself up to the challenge - or at least a challenge, if you don't follow this one exactly.

When I was in high school, I played the flute and took lessons each week. I practiced regularly. I got to be pretty good! And so, I was strongly encouraged by my teachers to try out for All-State: a rigorous audition process to be selected as one of Iowa's finest high school musicians. 𝅘𝅥𝅮 I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was... 𝅘𝅥𝅮

My Wind Ensemble teacher at the time had this challenge, for those of us trying out for All-State: to practice every day for the 100 days leading up to the audition. Every. Day.

Did I practice every day, normally? No. More often than not, but not every day. But it didn't sound too bad. Wouldn't it be cool and prestigious, to be part of the "100 days" club? I'm nothing, if not stubborn. So I made myself a paper chain with 100 links, wrapped it around my staircase at home, and we were off to the races.

On paper, every day for 100 days doesn't sound too bad. In reality, it means practicing today even though I had school all day and there's a football game this evening and I won't get home til late. It means practicing today even though I have a cold and am not feeling great. It means practicing today even though I really don't want to and my heart isn't in it. It means practicing through all of the "even thoughs."

But that first year I auditioned for All-State, I did it. I practiced every day for 100 days. Some days were better than others, but I never skipped. And when it finally came time to audition? I got called back for a second audition! I didn't progress any further from there - so you are not looking at one of Iowa's finest flutists - but I came close!

And you know what? That was the only year I successfully practiced every day for the 100 days leading up to All-State auditions, and it was the only year I auditioned well enough to even get called back.

When you commit to doing something come hell or high water, you learn discipline, and you build the skill of practice. Some people definitely have more natural talent than others, but you will struggle to improve at anything if you never practice it. Discipline, on the other hand, is just a useful kind of endurance to have for all circumstances. "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." Life is chock-full of situations when we're "not really feeling it." Don't really want to go to work today? Do it anyway. Don't want to mow the lawn/do laundry/vacuum? Do it anyway. Don't want to take that phone call or send that email or schedule that appointment? Do it anyway. Discipline builds strength of character.

So, do I see myself writing a novel? I doubt it. Do I think it would be a good idea to challenge myself to write every day for 30 days? Yes, I think that would strengthen my discipline and be good practice for me. I'm not sure I have enough interesting things to say for 30 days, but it's worth it to try... write? 😉

Nostalgia sure ain't what it used to be

Last Mother's Day (2019), my sister and I bought my mom a year-long "subscription" (for lack of a better word) to StoryWorth. (Not affiliated or promoted, just stating facts!) Once a week, your loved one gets some kind of insightful question about their life to answer, and they can respond via email or the website. They can even upload pictures to go along with each "story." So the idea is, after a year, you end up with a book of endearing memories that transcend time and space. (À la Seinfeld: yada yada yada... you get the idea.)

While I was at my mom's over the weekend, she asked me for more of my memories that she could write about. (Kind of defeats the purpose... but I let it slide.) I reminded her of some basic facets of my childhood... but I think this prompt is what sunk me into a deep nostalgia rut. The word 'nostalgia' itself is a very telling word: 'nostos' (Greek), meaning "return home" and 'algos,' meaning "pain." So essentially, "homecoming pain" or "homesickness."

Everyone feels nostalgia now and then, but I find it to be a little like quicksand: if you stand in it too long, you start to sink and get stuck. What started as some thoughtful reminiscing about a favorite Disney/Pixar movie then reminded me of another movie, which reminded me of one of my favorite college marching band shows. I started thinking of so many different tunes and drill and form and moments. Band camp, and rehearsals, and (a very few) unbelievable football victories, and (a lot more) heartbreaking football defeats. Memories of playing the fight song everywhere, chants, roving... but at the end of the day, always coming together as one united group and singing "The Bells of Iowa State." From there, it was a short trip to high school marching band memories, and then flashes of so many different instances of people and places throughout my entire life. Most of these memories are happy, and great, and wonderful... but the more I thought about them all, the more I felt sad - a deep heartache. I miss being a part of these things. I miss the hard work and the joy that came with it. I miss the people. And behind it all, is this loss - this feeling that all of these things are gone now, and can never be recaptured. They live on only in memories, because they can't be experienced again. In a way, they're dead. And how strange, to have all these full sections of my life that are completely unknown to some of the people I know now!

Maybe it hurts just a little bit more than it normally would at this moment, because we are all living in this uncertain haze. Will there be football in the fall? What will sports look like? What will amusement parks look like, or international travel, or theater? A lot of the 4th of July celebrations were cancelled this year. The state fair is cancelled. What will school look like? When will it all go back to normal? ...Will it ever go back to normal? "Lord, how long will this go on?" (Isaiah 6:11)

There are days when the pain brought on by all of this unknown is just too much to bear. We are all grieving, and if you've never experienced grief, let me tell you that it can be a miserable process. Sometimes you're fine, and sometimes you're not. Sometimes you think you've accepted it, and then the next day you feel like you're back at square one again. You deny, and you rage, and you cry, and you bargain. And then eventually... you wake up one day and realize you're in a good place. You don't remember getting there. You wonder if it will last. ...But for now, you're ok. And you will be ok.

I'm not there yet, with COVID. Some days, I'm still in the denial phase. (I'd love for it to take the hint and get lost.) But even though I can't relive all the weird patchwork echoes of my past that have shaped me into the person I am now, I can trust that there are going to be more (different, unique, but just as lovely) memories I'll make in the future... and life will eventually feel normal again, whether it looks the way I'm used to or ends up being a bit different. This is all part of a grand plan, and I'm just along for the ride. (And for the record: don't hesitate to ask me about anything marching band-related. I would be delighted to show you my favorite memories! 😉)

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

As I sit here in front of my computer, desperately wanting to write but afraid that it's been so long that maybe I've forgotten how or lost my touch, I continue to wrestle with the one word that seems to follow me around and torment me wherever I go: should. It's like my shadow - I can't get rid of it, no matter how hard I try. And "should" frequently turns darker and heavier, the more time and thought I give it.

You should write a blog post. You haven't in awhile. Why do you even have a blog, if you're not going to write in it? What are you doing with your life?

You should do something productive today, like laundry, or cleaning, or landscaping work. It's not going to do itself. You wanted this. What will people think of you, if you can't keep up your house?

You should be happy. Things are finally looking up for you! You own your own home, you have a great job, you have amazing family and community and are developing the kind of close friendships you've desired for years. You have almost everything you've ever wanted... why can't you be content? What's wrong with you?

Sometimes, my "shoulds" push me to go just a little bit further, like someone training for a marathon. But more often than not, they show me all the ways I haven't measured up to expectations, like that student who gets 99/100 on an exam and can't celebrate the A for the sake of that one question they should have known the answer to. It's exhausting, never being enough. It's empty. It's "like chasing the wind," according to Ecclesiastes. And Solomon, the author, would know - he, too, eventually had everything, but came to the end of himself and instead of finding satisfaction, found discontent. "Everything is meaningless," he repeats over and over throughout the book.

We are hard-wired to seek perfection, because we were created in God's (perfect) image. Our souls long for it, because they were designed with perfection in mind. But even when we had it, back in the beginning, we weren't satisfied - we thought we wanted more, and the devil capitalized on that:

One day [the serpent] asked the woman, "Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?"

"Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden," the woman replied. "It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, 'You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.'"

"You won't die!" the serpent replied to the woman. "God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil."

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. Genesis 3:1-6

"Fantastic," I can hear you saying. "So I was created to crave perfection, but I can't achieve it, I'll never be satisfied, and everything is meaningless. Is that the point you're trying to convey? Isn't that hugely disappointing and discouraging?"

Well, yes. It is... if the story stopped there. But Jesus came, lived a perfect life in this imperfect world, and became a sacrifice for us because we aren't capable of meeting God's standards. His blood paid - and continues to pay - and will pay - for all our imperfections. So every time I feel like I'm not enough, and I "should" something else, I can remember that Christ is enough, so I don't have to be. And thank goodness for that, because I can't.

"Ah, ok," you say. "Then I don't have to do anything. No obligations!" ...Technically, if you believe in Christ, then yes. But my friend James says "faith without works is dead."

You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can't you see that faith without good deeds is useless? James 2:19-20

So no, I'm not saying there should be no more "shoulds." But the devil definitely still manipulates "should" from a healthy guilt into a false guilt to try to trap us. False guilt isn't true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, or admirable. It's instead focused around fear of disapproval. That doesn't benefit anyone, especially myself! Go back and re-read my "shoulds" from above - don't you see how they all spiraled into self-defeating lies?

Let's re-write them so they're based in truth:

You should write a blog post. You always have such rich insights to share with others, no matter the size of your audience. Your thoughts are valid and useful!

You should do something productive today, like laundry, or cleaning, or landscaping work. God has blessed you with such nice things, and it is good that you appreciate them and take care of them so diligently!

You should be happy. Things are finally looking up for you! You own your own home, you have a great job, you have amazing family and community and are developing the kind of close friendships you've desired for years. You have almost everything you've ever wanted! But it's ok to still struggle sometimes, even when things are going well. God will always meet you where you're at.

To close, a small bit of wisdom that allows us to come full circle: I can't make my shadow go away, but I notice it less if I focus my attention up at the light instead of down on myself. "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2

I am a writer.

I am a writer.

I studied journalism in high school, and some in college. I've mimicked poetry and newspaper headlines. I've written a few stories, both non-fiction and fiction (one story remains unfinished, sadly). I've penned many letters to family and friends. I've typed more heartfelt emails than I can count, and so many lengthy text messages you'd roll your eyes. In January this year, I started writing blog-style posts for the Facebook page of my Bible study group (shameless plug: https://www.facebook.com/TheTableDSM/). So yes, I am a writer. I guess somewhere, deep down, I've always known it... but after 28 years, I am finally admitting it publicly.

I'm not sure yet what I hope to accomplish by starting a blog. Right now, I feel like I'm having an existential crisis. Writing, like so many things, drifted away from me for a time. Life has a way of distracting you and tripping you up. So maybe this is me trying to catch up with a long-lost friend. Maybe it's me throwing honest thoughts into the deep reaches of space and time, with no expectation of anything in return. Maybe it starts some conversations! And maybe it evolves over time to something else entirely.

What I do know, is this: I trust God. This may lead somewhere; it may not. Only He knows. If it doesn't result in an outward change, it may result in an inward one. And that, alone, is worth something.

Regarding the name of the blog - God calls us to speak truth. I can find it in Psalm 15: "Lead blameless lives, do what is right, speak the truth from sincere hearts... such people will stand firm forever." It's also in Ephesians 4:15: "Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ." The truth is not always easy to speak. If I can share some of the truth that I know, or am learning, or is on my mind... then hopefully that helps me, and maybe it helps someone else as well.

Circling back to my opening line: I am a writer. It's in my blood, and I'm starting to think it might be by design. So let's take this journey, one step at a time, and watch what happens.