"You ought to be thankful, a whole heaping lot, for the places and people you’re lucky you’re not."

So this is Day 6 of blogging every day (say what you want, but I technically still wrote something yesterday, short as it was!). What I've discovered is that I don't think writing itself is ever a struggle for me (just ask the people I text regularly... 😬). The bigger issue is coming up with things to say that I think are worth reading, and fitting the act of writing into my schedule. It gets to be time-consuming, because I research and polish and finesse until every word and sentence and paragraph is just so - which is probably unnecessary at least part of the time, but such is my nature. What can you do?

Anyway, the election has obviously been on the minds of pretty much everyone all week (and will continue to consume life as we know it for the foreseeable future, as far as anyone can tell). I voted, and of course I'd prefer the results to go one way over another, but I'm honestly not that bothered by who wins. I'll explain why.

Sometime in the past (can't recall exactly when - "like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives" 😉), the Bible study group I'm in went through the book of Judges. If you're not familiar with the Biblical timeline up to this point (the books of Genesis through Joshua), it goes (very briefly) like this:

Genesis - Creation. Adam and Eve. Sin. Noah and the flood. The tower of Babel. Abram and Sarai (Abraham and Sarah). God makes a covenant with Abraham. Isaac is born. Abraham's faith is tested. Jacob. Joseph (and how the Israelites ended up in Egypt).

Exodus - The Israelites are slaves in Egypt. Moses and the burning bush. Plagues. Pharaoh eventually lets the Israelites go. Moses is given the ten commandments. Aaron and the gold calf. Ark of the covenant, tabernacle, priests, etc.

Leviticus - Procedures and instructions for offerings and lots of information about conduct.

Numbers - A census of the Israelites. Organizing the tribes and assigning duties. Complaining. Scouts explore Canaan (the promised land). The people panic and rebel. The Israelites are banished to the wilderness for 40 years instead of entering the promised land now. Moses struck the rock and was also forbidden from entering the promised land.

Deuteronomy - Moses pleads with the Israelites to remember and obey. How to divide the promised land. Regulations. Joshua becomes the new leader of the Israelites. Moses dies.

Joshua - Entering the promised land. Rahab protects the spies. Jericho falls. Israel defeats lands and armies and kings (when they obey the Lord). Land is divided amongst the tribes. Joshua dies.

(Sparknotes complete - congratulations!)

The book of Judges occurs during the time period after Joshua dies, but before Israel is governed by kings. Judges (Gideon and Samson, for familiar examples) are appointed by God to rule over Israel for short periods of time. Unfortunately, the Israelites fall into a repetitive pattern of disobeying the Lord, being conquered and oppressed, and crying out to the Lord. The Lord rescues His people by sending a judge, who gets the Israelites back on track - but the judge eventually dies, and Israel goes back to disobeying, being conquered and oppressed, crying out... and so on. The longer the cycle goes on, the further and further away from God the people get. By the end, all sorts of immoral behavior is rampant amongst the Israelites, and one overarching observation is repeated four times: "In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as they saw fit." (Judges 17:6, 18:1, 19:1, 21:25)

However, no matter how many times the Israelites kept screwing up and crying out, God always came to their rescue and provided them with a new leader to throw off their oppressors and restore peace. We witness them reject God as king again and again, but He delivers them out of their distress every time, in spite of their sinfulness. God is always faithful to His covenant with the Israelites, and the book of Judges truly showcases this and, subsequently, points to Jesus in the New Testament (as do so many of the Old Testament books!).

It doesn't sound so bad from what I've described, but it's a dark and tragic time for the Israelites, and even though the judges God appoints accomplish what He needs them to, each judge is more violent and disturbing than the last. One judge leads Israel into idolatry and starts a civil war between the tribes. Another judge thinks sacrificing his daughter will please God. Gideon is a coward, and Samson is violent and sex-crazed. A tent peg gets hammered through someone's head. A pagan temple is built. There's sexual abuse, slaughter, and retribution. It's a huge train wreck.

But God used who was available. Yes, most of the judges were severely flawed, but they had a few redeeming moments (for example, Deborah is great, and Gideon grows in his faith and courage over time). Overall, the book of Judges demonstrates how far the Israelites had fallen... but they were never forsaken by God, and we see countless examples in this book and all throughout the Bible of God using unexpected people who have done terrible things to fulfill His glorious plan.

So Trump or Biden, Republican or Democrat, I know God will use whoever ends up in office to accomplish His purpose. He's got it under control, and thank God for that! I've got enough to worry about with this blog. 😊

"I got a rock," said Charlie Brown.

Every day for the last several months, as I pulled into and backed out of my driveway, I saw the same image: a pile of rocks. I've gone through a range of emotions, with these rocks.

When I decided to have them delivered earlier this year - because yes, this was an actionable choice that I made, once - I was surprised by how small the pile looked to me. Three tons of landscaping river rock sounds like a mountain! ...But the pile respectfully stayed on its side of my driveway, and only covered a third of its half (that's a sixth, for you math wizards out there 😉). "Are you sure this will be enough?" I remember asking my mom naively.

I've had some minor run-ins with landscaping before, so I knew it wasn't going to be a fun time, but I started out as enthusiastic for manual labor as I was capable of being. I began on section one of three with guidance from my mom. When the time came, I grabbed my shovel and a wheelbarrow borrowed from a neighbor, and anxiously braced myself. Let's do this!

I thrust the metal shovel into the middle of the pile of rocks, imagining a scoopful gently falling into the cup and filling it up. Instead, I heard an awful clang and met hard resistance. A handful of cooperative rocks nudged their way onto the very edge of the shovel... and that's it. Ok, I thought. I'll try harder. The rocks were stubborn. They don't naturally roll, as countless songs and artists would lead you to believe. Once they've settled, they're perfectly content to stay put.

My technique improved over time - as counterintuitive as it sounds, it's easiest to shovel rock from the bottom, where it meets the ground at concrete-level - but the task itself never got any easier. Rock is heavy, and dirty, and difficult. Too much in the wheelbarrow, and you can't maneuver it. Not enough, and it's wasted effort. When I finished with the first section that day, exhausted, sore, and covered in dirt, I looked back at the pile of rocks, and was disappointed to find that the pile didn't look much different to me from when I'd started. This was a terrible mistake.

A friend confirmed my worst fears, later on: "Did your rock pile get bigger since the last time I saw it?" 😟

Even as I recruited help for other sections, the pile of rocks remained a constant in my life: always there, taunting me. "You'll never finish," it said. "You'll always have more to work on." "We'll always be here, blocking your path and weighing you down." You're not enough.

I finished my landscaping, recently... but the pile of rocks remains. (There never should've been a question as to whether the pile was big enough, I see now.) From some angles, it looks deceptively small, but I know how much effort is involved in each scoop. I know how much of a burden it is, even at its smallest. It tortures me, that it's still there after I've put so much work into it already.

In a lot of ways, my experience with the pile of rocks mirrors my own sanctification process. My past, my sins, my fears, my worries, my natural tendencies that are preyed upon by the devil... this is my pile of spiritual rocks. Some days, they don't seem like that much. Is this it? Other days, they feel impossible and overwhelming. I try to chip away at them earnestly some times, and other times I just stare at them as I go about my life. Once in awhile, I look at them and question if the pile is actually getting bigger?! But every day they're there, and usually I find them discouraging, not a measure of how far I've come.

The difference between my actual pile of rocks and my spiritual one, though, comes down to Christ. I may be responsible for moving the rock in my driveway, but the rock in my heart will be moved by Jesus as my faith continues to grow in Him. I can try to move it all by myself - but it's really a fool's errand out of a desperate desire for control. The only effort that is truly required by me is trusting Christ to shovel my mess, one scoop at a time. That sounds too easy, and I don't do that perfectly - not even close - but I do keep trying to just trust.

Some day very soon, the pile of rocks will be gone from my driveway. I'll hose off the concrete, and I'll admire the absence of the rocks. I'll celebrate, and I'll remind myself not to start anymore landscaping projects for a long while. In time, I'll forget the rocks were ever there. There will be no trace of them, they won't be a stumbling block and an eyesore, and I won't remember the agony they caused me.

As long as I'm here on this earth, I think there will always be a spiritual pile of rocks (although I hope it keeps shrinking - even if I can't always tell). But I hope that's how I feel about these internal rocks someday, too: here today, but gone tomorrow. A distant memory, a faded image, gone without a trace. "Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are." Romans 8:18-19

My Little Dog and I

My latest thoughts have wandered
As they so often do
To pondering how relationships
Reflect the love of Christ
Different bonds reveal different things
But sometimes I think
God's love is best mirrored
Between my dog and I

My little dog, she does not worry
For food, nor water, nor bed
She trusts
I will take care of her
And I provide
What she needs when she needs it

Though we don't share the same language
She understands my tone
And I hers
She recognizes my voice
And I know her bark,
Her growl, and her sigh

She longs to follow me
Wherever I go
But when I must leave her behind
She believes in my return
Patiently, she waits
With eager eyes and a wiggling tail

When I come back
She shouts for joy
And scampers around the room
Her licks and nibbles and whines
Tell me how much she missed me,
How glad she is that I'm home

In times of distress
Her eyes search mine
She comes to me to be kept safe
I hold her
My voice soothing and hand gentle
And we comfort each other

But best of all is when we both are tired
And lay side by side
Her, nestled in the crook of my arm
The world stops
Our hearts swell with love and peace
And for a short while
I can imagine
What eternity in heaven might feel like

Just my little dog and I

~

Some inspiring verses:

1 John 4:16
Matthew 6:26-32
Romans 8:26-27
John 10:27
1 Peter 1:8
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Philippians 4:6-7
Psalm 4:8
Revelation 21:4

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

As I sit here in front of my computer, desperately wanting to write but afraid that it's been so long that maybe I've forgotten how or lost my touch, I continue to wrestle with the one word that seems to follow me around and torment me wherever I go: should. It's like my shadow - I can't get rid of it, no matter how hard I try. And "should" frequently turns darker and heavier, the more time and thought I give it.

You should write a blog post. You haven't in awhile. Why do you even have a blog, if you're not going to write in it? What are you doing with your life?

You should do something productive today, like laundry, or cleaning, or landscaping work. It's not going to do itself. You wanted this. What will people think of you, if you can't keep up your house?

You should be happy. Things are finally looking up for you! You own your own home, you have a great job, you have amazing family and community and are developing the kind of close friendships you've desired for years. You have almost everything you've ever wanted... why can't you be content? What's wrong with you?

Sometimes, my "shoulds" push me to go just a little bit further, like someone training for a marathon. But more often than not, they show me all the ways I haven't measured up to expectations, like that student who gets 99/100 on an exam and can't celebrate the A for the sake of that one question they should have known the answer to. It's exhausting, never being enough. It's empty. It's "like chasing the wind," according to Ecclesiastes. And Solomon, the author, would know - he, too, eventually had everything, but came to the end of himself and instead of finding satisfaction, found discontent. "Everything is meaningless," he repeats over and over throughout the book.

We are hard-wired to seek perfection, because we were created in God's (perfect) image. Our souls long for it, because they were designed with perfection in mind. But even when we had it, back in the beginning, we weren't satisfied - we thought we wanted more, and the devil capitalized on that:

One day [the serpent] asked the woman, "Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?"

"Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden," the woman replied. "It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, 'You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.'"

"You won't die!" the serpent replied to the woman. "God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil."

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. Genesis 3:1-6

"Fantastic," I can hear you saying. "So I was created to crave perfection, but I can't achieve it, I'll never be satisfied, and everything is meaningless. Is that the point you're trying to convey? Isn't that hugely disappointing and discouraging?"

Well, yes. It is... if the story stopped there. But Jesus came, lived a perfect life in this imperfect world, and became a sacrifice for us because we aren't capable of meeting God's standards. His blood paid - and continues to pay - and will pay - for all our imperfections. So every time I feel like I'm not enough, and I "should" something else, I can remember that Christ is enough, so I don't have to be. And thank goodness for that, because I can't.

"Ah, ok," you say. "Then I don't have to do anything. No obligations!" ...Technically, if you believe in Christ, then yes. But my friend James says "faith without works is dead."

You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can't you see that faith without good deeds is useless? James 2:19-20

So no, I'm not saying there should be no more "shoulds." But the devil definitely still manipulates "should" from a healthy guilt into a false guilt to try to trap us. False guilt isn't true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, or admirable. It's instead focused around fear of disapproval. That doesn't benefit anyone, especially myself! Go back and re-read my "shoulds" from above - don't you see how they all spiraled into self-defeating lies?

Let's re-write them so they're based in truth:

You should write a blog post. You always have such rich insights to share with others, no matter the size of your audience. Your thoughts are valid and useful!

You should do something productive today, like laundry, or cleaning, or landscaping work. God has blessed you with such nice things, and it is good that you appreciate them and take care of them so diligently!

You should be happy. Things are finally looking up for you! You own your own home, you have a great job, you have amazing family and community and are developing the kind of close friendships you've desired for years. You have almost everything you've ever wanted! But it's ok to still struggle sometimes, even when things are going well. God will always meet you where you're at.

To close, a small bit of wisdom that allows us to come full circle: I can't make my shadow go away, but I notice it less if I focus my attention up at the light instead of down on myself. "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2

Death, where is your sting?

I couldn't tell you the last conversation my dad and I had before he passed. I'd like to tell you that it was some inspirational speech, or that we sat down and reconciled everything that had ever gone wrong in our relationship, or that he said all the things he knew he was going to miss getting to say to me in my future. Life doesn't always work out the way we'd like. One day he was fine, and the next morning, I woke up to my mom asking me to watch the dogs because the ambulance was coming and Dad was probably dying.

My dad had ALS. Even when you know death is coming, it isn't any easier to accept. I remember sitting on the floor, praying that it wasn't his time yet. There were conversations we hadn't had. He hadn't walked me down the aisle yet. My kids hadn't met him, he hadn't helped me with my house, we hadn't gotten to travel to an ISU bowl game together... I'm not ready, I thought.

It was touch and go, but he rallied for a little while. We were hopeful... but it soon became evident that he wouldn't be coming home. We moved him from the hospital to hospice. By that point, communicating was difficult - it was hard for him to breathe well enough to speak, most of the time. He had a couple of really good days, in hospice. So many friends and family came to visit him. He knew a lot of people, and was loved by many. He really lit up, getting to see so many of these people he'd built relationships with throughout his life.

I couldn't take that joy away from him. My friends brought puzzles - we worked on them together outside his room as he socialized. At the end of that second good day, he was worn out. We'd talk the next day, I thought. Besides, what do you say to someone who's dying? How do you even start that conversation?

If I had to guess, our last talk was probably pretty simple that evening. "Jess!" he would've gasped excitedly. I would've said something about how nice it was, that so many people came to see him. He would've talked lovingly about his friends, some of whom he hadn't seen in years. I would've told him I'd see him tomorrow. We would've exchanged 'I love you's. And I would've left, wondering when we were going to have our real conversation - the one I was certain we would have before his time here was done. Tomorrow. I was sure of it.

That tomorrow never came. He was never really conscious again, after that day. The few moments he was, he couldn't speak - because he couldn't talk with his breathing machine on, but couldn't breathe enough to form words without it. The hospice nurses made him comfortable. He wasn't in pain, but he seemed to be straddling both worlds: his body tethering him to this one, but his spirit longing for the next.

I remember being kind of mad. Mad at him, for not giving me that conversation. Mad at myself, for not initiating it. But looking at him, I knew I couldn't keep him here for a chance at a conversation that would never happen. I gave him permission to go... but his body was holding him hostage here. His breathing machine, to be more specific.

Sometimes, letting go is the most merciful thing you can do for someone. I don't know if he was cognizant, when I said my last goodbye to him and finally said some of the things I had imagined that we'd talk about together. By then, his eyes were unseeing - just fixated ahead. He couldn't squeeze my hand. He was breathing, but there was no longer signs of life in him. The hospice nurses will tell you that your loved one is aware in times like this, but I can't be sure. I trust that he heard, and he knew.

He was given a lot of painkillers, and we took him off the breathing machine. Our pastor sang Amazing Grace. And my dad was released, and he slipped out of this world.

I'm not here to tell you any of it was easy. Not in the slightest. And it's still not easy. But through all of it... I wasn't afraid. I didn't have to fear for my dad's spirit. I knew he was a Christian. Death was not the end for him. In fact, in a lot of ways, death was a relief for my dad, and for us. He didn't have to suffer anymore. He wasn't stuck in a failing body. He was free. I miss him, but I know I'll see him again someday. When we're reunited, there will be endless opportunities for conversations, and there won't be disappointment or sorrow. Our relationship will be redeemed like it never was here on earth.

So, as I sit here, the coronavirus filling up my news feed, panic spreading like wildfire... I am here to remind you that this is not the end. As children of God, fear has no power over us. Not fear of disease, not fear of sickness, not fear of death.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation - so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?" Psalm 27:1

Fear is of the devil.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 

Don't be reckless. Take precautions as needed. God doesn't tell us to be foolish. But this is a reminder that one of the best parts about being a Christian is not having to fear death. We are free in Christ Jesus. We are temporary residents here. Our days are numbered, and being afraid of some virus or the end won't add a single day to our lives. Use the time you've been given, and go out and live. Have conversations with people. Jesus has already overcome this world. It is finished.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1

Was God lonely?

Hello Blogger, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again

There has been A LOT going on these last few weeks. I have thought so much about writing another blog post so many times. Sometimes, I start writing them in my head... but then there isn't an opportunity to type them out, or inspiration hits at the most inconvenient time (like 1 am), so the thoughts get lost and fizzle out.

Not today. Not this time.

About a year ago, I changed up my schedule. For years, prayer was something that happened in my head, before bed. (Sometimes, it still does!) I've always run into a problem with this method, though: I would regularly drift off into the sweet abyss of sleep before finishing my prayers. I became unsatisfied with this approach. Surely, I can do better. So I decided to try praying out loud, while driving.

Honestly, it's been pretty life-changing! Driving time has always been lost time, essentially. Now, it has purpose. My commute feels shorter, I have something meaningful to focus on (besides traffic), and I stay awake while I pray! (Because I'm driving. 😊) God and I have had some really powerful conversations this way.

Tonight's drive back to my house was no different. I've been learning a lot about trust, and rest, and joy these last few weeks. I really thought my next blog post would be on one of these topics, if lightning ever struck at the perfect time. But no. This evening, I somehow found myself talking to God about being lonely.

I get along with a lot of people, and I have cultivated friendships, and online dating is something I'm... attempting ("This is ridiculous / What am I doing here? / I'm in the wrong story!"). And yet, so much of the time, I don't feel like I have a deep emotional connection with anyone. Don't get me wrong - I have moments with people. But conversations are like digging a tunnel to the center of the earth. Most of the time, you don't get very far. Once in awhile, a conversation continues long enough for the tunnel to reach the molten core. It is, sadly, a pretty rare occurrence.

I got a little discouraged with God, that I'm never going to find my someone who gets me. My someone who stays on my molten core level. My confidante. I told God I was tired of feeling so alone and lonely all the time. I wish I had someone to share my life with.

...

And then I realized... were you lonely too, God? He could have stopped creation after day 5. He could've made animals on day 6 and called it good. The Bible doesn't say, but I imagine that at that point, God took a step back and surveyed His work. "This is beautiful," He might have said, pulling up a chair to rest. And then I envisioned Him sitting there, admiring all that beauty... but feeling a little empty. "I wish I had someone to share all this with."

The Bible doesn't say that, but it does say:

So God created human beings in his own image.
In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

If I was created in God's image, then I would assume I was created with a lot of the same emotions God feels. I've never thought about God feeling lonely before, but I don't think I'm way off the mark here! In the next chapter, God knows that "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." (Genesis 2:18) So God had the man give all the animals and birds names. The animals weren't enough, though... "But still there was no helper just right for him." (Genesis 2:20)

It sounds like God knew from experience that man would be lonely, and He didn't want His creation to feel that way. God made a woman from the man's rib, and the man exclaimed, "At last!" (Genesis 2:23)

Since then, of course, sin entered the world and things got messy. Here's the crazy part, though: the whole rest of the Bible is about God making a way for us to be reconciled with Him! We have screwed up time, and time (and time...) again, and He still pursues us! Because we are His beloved creation. We were never meant to spend all this time separated from Him... but that's a blog post for another day.

To bring this back on home: I think God understands how I feel, when I'm lonely. I think He looks down and says, "Oh my child, if you only knew..." And I have to believe that He's prepared a someone for me, and someday I'll be the one exclaiming, "At last!"