Nostalgia sure ain't what it used to be

Last Mother's Day (2019), my sister and I bought my mom a year-long "subscription" (for lack of a better word) to StoryWorth. (Not affiliated or promoted, just stating facts!) Once a week, your loved one gets some kind of insightful question about their life to answer, and they can respond via email or the website. They can even upload pictures to go along with each "story." So the idea is, after a year, you end up with a book of endearing memories that transcend time and space. (À la Seinfeld: yada yada yada... you get the idea.)

While I was at my mom's over the weekend, she asked me for more of my memories that she could write about. (Kind of defeats the purpose... but I let it slide.) I reminded her of some basic facets of my childhood... but I think this prompt is what sunk me into a deep nostalgia rut. The word 'nostalgia' itself is a very telling word: 'nostos' (Greek), meaning "return home" and 'algos,' meaning "pain." So essentially, "homecoming pain" or "homesickness."

Everyone feels nostalgia now and then, but I find it to be a little like quicksand: if you stand in it too long, you start to sink and get stuck. What started as some thoughtful reminiscing about a favorite Disney/Pixar movie then reminded me of another movie, which reminded me of one of my favorite college marching band shows. I started thinking of so many different tunes and drill and form and moments. Band camp, and rehearsals, and (a very few) unbelievable football victories, and (a lot more) heartbreaking football defeats. Memories of playing the fight song everywhere, chants, roving... but at the end of the day, always coming together as one united group and singing "The Bells of Iowa State." From there, it was a short trip to high school marching band memories, and then flashes of so many different instances of people and places throughout my entire life. Most of these memories are happy, and great, and wonderful... but the more I thought about them all, the more I felt sad - a deep heartache. I miss being a part of these things. I miss the hard work and the joy that came with it. I miss the people. And behind it all, is this loss - this feeling that all of these things are gone now, and can never be recaptured. They live on only in memories, because they can't be experienced again. In a way, they're dead. And how strange, to have all these full sections of my life that are completely unknown to some of the people I know now!

Maybe it hurts just a little bit more than it normally would at this moment, because we are all living in this uncertain haze. Will there be football in the fall? What will sports look like? What will amusement parks look like, or international travel, or theater? A lot of the 4th of July celebrations were cancelled this year. The state fair is cancelled. What will school look like? When will it all go back to normal? ...Will it ever go back to normal? "Lord, how long will this go on?" (Isaiah 6:11)

There are days when the pain brought on by all of this unknown is just too much to bear. We are all grieving, and if you've never experienced grief, let me tell you that it can be a miserable process. Sometimes you're fine, and sometimes you're not. Sometimes you think you've accepted it, and then the next day you feel like you're back at square one again. You deny, and you rage, and you cry, and you bargain. And then eventually... you wake up one day and realize you're in a good place. You don't remember getting there. You wonder if it will last. ...But for now, you're ok. And you will be ok.

I'm not there yet, with COVID. Some days, I'm still in the denial phase. (I'd love for it to take the hint and get lost.) But even though I can't relive all the weird patchwork echoes of my past that have shaped me into the person I am now, I can trust that there are going to be more (different, unique, but just as lovely) memories I'll make in the future... and life will eventually feel normal again, whether it looks the way I'm used to or ends up being a bit different. This is all part of a grand plan, and I'm just along for the ride. (And for the record: don't hesitate to ask me about anything marching band-related. I would be delighted to show you my favorite memories! 😉)

Was God lonely?

Hello Blogger, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again

There has been A LOT going on these last few weeks. I have thought so much about writing another blog post so many times. Sometimes, I start writing them in my head... but then there isn't an opportunity to type them out, or inspiration hits at the most inconvenient time (like 1 am), so the thoughts get lost and fizzle out.

Not today. Not this time.

About a year ago, I changed up my schedule. For years, prayer was something that happened in my head, before bed. (Sometimes, it still does!) I've always run into a problem with this method, though: I would regularly drift off into the sweet abyss of sleep before finishing my prayers. I became unsatisfied with this approach. Surely, I can do better. So I decided to try praying out loud, while driving.

Honestly, it's been pretty life-changing! Driving time has always been lost time, essentially. Now, it has purpose. My commute feels shorter, I have something meaningful to focus on (besides traffic), and I stay awake while I pray! (Because I'm driving. 😊) God and I have had some really powerful conversations this way.

Tonight's drive back to my house was no different. I've been learning a lot about trust, and rest, and joy these last few weeks. I really thought my next blog post would be on one of these topics, if lightning ever struck at the perfect time. But no. This evening, I somehow found myself talking to God about being lonely.

I get along with a lot of people, and I have cultivated friendships, and online dating is something I'm... attempting ("This is ridiculous / What am I doing here? / I'm in the wrong story!"). And yet, so much of the time, I don't feel like I have a deep emotional connection with anyone. Don't get me wrong - I have moments with people. But conversations are like digging a tunnel to the center of the earth. Most of the time, you don't get very far. Once in awhile, a conversation continues long enough for the tunnel to reach the molten core. It is, sadly, a pretty rare occurrence.

I got a little discouraged with God, that I'm never going to find my someone who gets me. My someone who stays on my molten core level. My confidante. I told God I was tired of feeling so alone and lonely all the time. I wish I had someone to share my life with.

...

And then I realized... were you lonely too, God? He could have stopped creation after day 5. He could've made animals on day 6 and called it good. The Bible doesn't say, but I imagine that at that point, God took a step back and surveyed His work. "This is beautiful," He might have said, pulling up a chair to rest. And then I envisioned Him sitting there, admiring all that beauty... but feeling a little empty. "I wish I had someone to share all this with."

The Bible doesn't say that, but it does say:

So God created human beings in his own image.
In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

If I was created in God's image, then I would assume I was created with a lot of the same emotions God feels. I've never thought about God feeling lonely before, but I don't think I'm way off the mark here! In the next chapter, God knows that "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." (Genesis 2:18) So God had the man give all the animals and birds names. The animals weren't enough, though... "But still there was no helper just right for him." (Genesis 2:20)

It sounds like God knew from experience that man would be lonely, and He didn't want His creation to feel that way. God made a woman from the man's rib, and the man exclaimed, "At last!" (Genesis 2:23)

Since then, of course, sin entered the world and things got messy. Here's the crazy part, though: the whole rest of the Bible is about God making a way for us to be reconciled with Him! We have screwed up time, and time (and time...) again, and He still pursues us! Because we are His beloved creation. We were never meant to spend all this time separated from Him... but that's a blog post for another day.

To bring this back on home: I think God understands how I feel, when I'm lonely. I think He looks down and says, "Oh my child, if you only knew..." And I have to believe that He's prepared a someone for me, and someday I'll be the one exclaiming, "At last!"

No capes!

"The things you say about yourself... aren't necessarily true."

I was eating dinner with a friend a couple of days ago, and haven't been able to let this wisdom go. Her statement stopped me in my tracks. Would I lie to myself? Don't I know myself better than anyone? I should be the most qualified to accurately assess myself... right?

The truth is... no! I may, in fact, have some of the least accurate opinions about myself of anyone I know! How odd is it, that the one person I spend the most time with - myself - is someone I could so easily incorrectly portray?

It's no secret that I consider myself an insecure person. Feel free to look up some old blog posts on here, or some "Food for Thought" on The Table Facebook page (linked in the sidebar to the right). It's doubtless come up a few times (I'm too afraid to look at my old writing!). As Edna says:

I've come to realize a number of things, as I work on feeling less insecure. I sometimes pine after affirmation from others. I sometimes struggle to believe that God loves me, warts and all. And despite being aware of these things... I still go through recurring desperate bouts of feeling wholeheartedly unworthy.

I honestly don't have a guaranteed solution yet for how to pull out of an unworthiness tailspin. (I'll probably let you know, if I figure it out!) But after my friend's insight, and some research into what God has to say on the topic, here's what I do know:

1. Feelings are not truth (although that doesn't make feelings any less real).
2. Your own thoughts or preconceived notions you have about yourself may not be true.
3. Insecurity is fear (and probably also a sin!).
4. People have been insecure since they existed, both doubting God ("Did God really say..." in Genesis 3:1) and feeling ashamed after the fall ("So they hid from the Lord..." in Genesis 3:8).
5. Our identity is secure in Christ ("So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1).
6. So when I am feeling insecure about myself, it is because I am rooting my identity in others, in relation to others, in my own personal attributes, or through my past sins and failures.
7. Therefore, when I feel insecure I am basically questioning whether what God says about me is really true. By questioning my worthiness, I am questioning Christ's worthiness.
8. It could also mean: I am preoccupied with myself (pride), I am dissatisfied with God (grumbling for better manna), I long for validation from others more than God (seeking worldly affirmation), and/or I still feel my righteousness is justified in some way by my accomplishments (confidence from works).
9. Which is a warning to check my heart - but also an invitation to break free from false beliefs about myself and seek Him and what He has to say. (And He has a great deal to say! Please check out this article in particular [https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-god-thinks-about-you]; I really can't string it together better than they already have!)
10. Paul says it best: "I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. ... I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Philippians 3:7-9

All of this sounds great on paper, but I will be the first to admit that it is not nearly as easy to remember in moments of imposter syndrome and feeling deeply undeserving. There is no quick fix on this one. It's going to take time and effort, some serious heart guarding and thought/feeling mindfulness, and some bold faith.

But the good news is, my God is a BIG God. He can handle it. At the end of the day... who am I going to believe? The serpent, myself, or the Lord?

~

Behind every writer is (usually) more writers. This blog post was shaped and inspired by all of these articles:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/lay-aside-the-weight-of-insecurity

https://www.proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2017/04/25/you-are-who-god-says-you-are

https://www1.cbn.com/freedom-from-fear-and-self-doubt

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-sin-of-insecurity/

What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

"I feel like God has been calling me to do this," my friend gushed confidently.

Externally, I nodded as though I understood... but internally, I contemplated what exactly it feels like to be called to something by God.

There have been moments in my life where something felt really clear and obvious to do. But more often than not (especially recently), I've felt stuck in a holding pattern of uncertainty, with no apparent next step to take and no Gideon-esque sign from God laying out a plan.

I think I've felt what I would describe as "called" to write sometimes, over the last few months. It's like this preoccupation with an idea or a concept that I keep coming back to, and it feels like a nagging, energetic itch in my brain that I can't scratch without sharing. (In case you haven't figured it out, today's energetic itch is brought to you by the concept of "feelings!")

What are feelings? Can they be promptings from the Holy Spirit? Are they good, bad, or indifferent? Should I rely on them? What purpose do they serve?

I've felt a lot of different emotions in the last 12 months or so. In fact, I would argue that I've felt a greater range of feelings now than possibly ever before (sometimes all in the same day - can I get a witness?! 😅). What does it mean, when I feel consistently discouraged by aspects of my professional life, or when I feel lonely in my empty house, or when writing brings me fulfillment tinged with a sprinkle of anxiety? Or... does it mean anything at all?

I think the short answer to a lot of these questions is "it's complicated." I was listening to my current favorite podcast (The Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast), and in one of the episodes, I really loved the way Lysa TerKeurst described emotions: "Feelings are indicators, not dictators."

In the past, I've often approached feelings with disdain, like they're not worth my time, an inconvenience, and something to be ignored and pushed past because they serve no purpose other than to get in my way. ("Hey, I'm walkin' here!")

And naturally, when they become too big to be ignored, then they're an all-consuming, life-draining monster.

Until more recently, I had never considered that feelings might actually be ok. I was a little bit dumbfounded when I was walking with a friend a month or so ago and she told me my feelings about my current situation were justified. "They are?!" I thought. I never knew I needed that validation! I wasn't giving it to myself. My thoughts up to that point usually consisted of: "You shouldn't feel this way. Why do you? Figure out how to fix it."

I do think there's a careful balance to walk - because while feelings shouldn't be ignored, they also shouldn't be relied upon as truth. They can be intuitive, but that doesn't make them infallible. Think of Cain, feeling angry and dejected - to the point where he attacked and killed his brother, Abel. Cain chose to allow his emotions to be dictators, which resulted in sin controlling him. He should have realized the emotions he was feeling were indicators that something was off, and he needed to check his heart and change his actions (by offering his best crops as a gift to the Lord, like Abel offered his best from his flock). The Lord even warns Cain so! "You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master." Genesis 4:7

I frequently wish God would be so direct with me... but there is a beauty to the way He works in subtleties. If He can speak to me through the Bible, other believers, prayer, etc., then I certainly think that feelings (or "indicators," if you will) can also be used by God sometimes to reveal where I am at in my walk with Him and (if need be) nudge me in the right direction. Of course, I still need to be mindful that God's timing will not be the same as my timing - patience is required on my part. And most importantly, I think emotions need to be evaluated in conjunction with all of the other means through which I look to the Lord for guidance. Everything should be congruous. "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

I know it's not always as simple as it seems like it ought to be, but I do think having this perspective shift on emotions has been useful. I'll think of them more like a "check engine" light from now on. 😏