Do you know what you write, or do you write what you know?

Last week, I found my mind requiring entertainment (boredom is not a state I tolerate well). I'm not sure if I was inspired or just desperate, but I pulled up my Hoopla library app on my phone and began the arduous process of searching for the perfect audiobook.

What to look for? Something non-fiction to encourage a renewed mind? No... that genre must be selected sparingly. I wanted to escape, not dissect myself. Something popular and current? No... I was already reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, the Hunger Games prequel, on the side. (I've finished it now - highly recommend!) And so, I scrolled through and stumbled upon a classic I'd never read, but have some familiarity with due to its movie equivalent: The Great Gatsby.

It felt like the right choice. (Remember the start of this year, back when people threw parties without a second thought, and many of them were themed around "the Roaring Twenties"? Feels so long ago, now...) I approached the book with skepticism all the same. What is this, high school English lit class? Do I really want to read a literary classic? Is it going to require too much concentration to understand, too much analysis to appreciate, too much... thoughtfulness? Yet, it's regarded as one of the greatest novels of all time. That, in and of itself, should be enough to warrant a listen, should it not?

So I settled in with only middle-of-the-road expectations. I've been out of school awhile now. Give me a world to be immersed in, not a lesson to learn. Of course, I got more than I bargained for: both.

I won't spoil the book for you, in case you haven't read it yourself... but you'll be pleased (or perhaps disappointed) to know that humanity hasn't changed all that much in a nickel short of a century. Many of the themes of the book are still as prevalent today as they were when it was written. We're still selfish, and proud, and greedy. We long to recapture the past (what a poignant thought, in 2020 especially). We're still broken, in a fascinating, starry-eyed sort of way.

Not wanting to miss anything, I consulted SparkNotes for ol' Gatsby - I have plenty of my own takeaways from the book, but I enjoy the perspectives of others and the opportunity to catch things I missed. It certainly helped! But I also found a lot of attention given to little details I scarcely noticed: the symbolism behind a character clumsily knocking a clock off a table, places in the book being representative of groups of people and ideas of the time, weather indicating the emotional tone of the story. I applauded the exhaustive examination, but for me, it begged the question... was it all intentional?

Did F. Scott Fitzgerald write the perfect book, and carefully pepper all of these themes and motifs and symbols throughout his novel? Was it purposeful? When he finished, did he marvel to himself at his own genius and pat himself on the back? I imagine him chortling: "Congrats on a job well done, old sport - you'll have your readers perplexed long after you're gone!"

Or... did Fitzgerald just write what he knew? Did he create a lovable story based on a collection of his own life, his own experiences, his own observations... and it just happened to become a lasting masterpiece? Did he really mean anything by the clock being knocked off the table, or was his character just nervous, and Fitzgerald looked around his own study for inspiration? Perhaps a friend came over earlier that day and bumped into a table, giving him the idea. Was it blisteringly hot one day, when he wrote? When he started working on the next chapter, was there a chill in the air? How much emphasis did he really put in specific settings in his novel - or did his characters just need some different places to go?

I'll tell you what I do know. Fitzgerald's book wasn't particularly popular during his lifetime. It didn't become a classic until after his death - during WWII, as part of an initiative to distribute books to soldiers abroad. (More information about the history, if you have the interest and the time: https://blog.bookstellyouwhy.com/the-great-gatsbys-rocky-road-to-popularity)

I suppose I'll never know how much of the deep analysis of every detail on SparkNotes is real, and how much is happenstance. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. That teaches me a lesson all its own: it's human nature, to search for meaning in every moment. We long for everything to matter, for things to happen for a reason, for significance. When you look hard enough, you can find most anything you want. The ever watchful eyes of Doctor T. J. Eckleburg stare on.

Please Don't Stop the ~Music~ Makes Me Lose Control

I've always loved music. For the most part, I love all genres equally. (Except for a lot of country music... sorry to all you boot-scootin' types!) I can jam to classical music just as well as I can jam to R&B. Musicals hold the same place in my heart as pop and rock. I find it fascinating, the way music can break down walls, transcend time and space, and communicate so much about life.

In high school, I had a hipster friend who introduced me to my first mash-up. I feel like mash-ups are a relatively unknown and underappreciated art. You can probably guess by the name what they are: "a recording created by digitally combining and synchronizing instrumental tracks with vocal tracks from two or more different songs." More simply put: a fusion.

This was my first introduction to mash-ups, and it's still one of my favorites (Green Day vs. Oasis vs. Travis vs. Eminem "Boulevard of Broken Songs"): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvwzDogVBf8

These mixtures take a lot of work to make! Finding songs that have a similar tempo, a similar melodic structure, sometimes even similar lyrics and tone... and then carefully splicing them together in all the right places to create something new that's cohesive? I can't imagine the level of creativity it takes to do this. I'll be the first to tell you that sometimes, it doesn't work. But when it does, it's magic!

Snow Patrol vs. The Police "Every Car You Chase" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGU4ZRstxpY

Eurythmics vs. The White Stripes "Sweet Dreams are Made of Seven Nation Army" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT5eJwgAtvY

Weezer vs. The Black Eyed Peas "Feeling the Sun" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL98W3edFa4

Clean Bandit vs. Earth, Wind & Fire "Rather It Be September" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZnf5Uckdug

Backstreet Boys vs. Panic! At The Disco "Everybody's Victorious" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAIaxBrgMKY

Santana vs. Camila Cabello "Smooth Havana" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1--H6uhmqvc

Bee Gees vs. AC/DC "Stayin' in Black" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrlWWrSwaB8

Daft Punk vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers "Lose Yourself to Californication" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6hAGk6s20E

I have so many more I could share... that's just a few I really think exemplify the beauty of this craft. It's like they were written to go together! I also have some I love for the way they mix genres that seem like there is no way they should belong in the same mash-up. (And yet...?!)

The Chemical Brothers vs. John Williams [Star Wars] "Galvanize the Empire" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M87NeUD5XiU

The Black Eyed Peas vs. Mozart - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KpvuUS4U8w (language... you've been warned)

LMFAO vs. Hans Zimmer [Inception] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyjz3lekieQ

Ariana Grande vs. Taylor Swift vs. The Phantom of the Opera "Phantom Looking Woman" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcMBPyxBQS4

Ed Sheeran vs. Disturbed "Shape of the Sickness" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PeeDCnoG3k

TLC vs. Hamilton "The Schuyler Sisters Want No Scrubs" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxC7Gqmok1s

Imagine Dragons vs. Carrie Underwood "Cheating Warriors" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-0ttPenkwg (closest I can get to country, y'all!)

Fergie vs. Parov Stelar [swing] "Fergie's Booty" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwDKnXMZ8NQ (more language)

Lady Gaga vs. ...a Renaissance Faire? You really just have to give it a shot, and the lyrics are the absolute best - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2zpbcW-h-c

(Pro tip: the comments section on all of these make for a great read!)

I love all the original songs by themselves, too. At the end of the day, I know mash-ups aren't for everyone. They're weird! But in a world and a time when we are so focused on our differences, a mentality of 'us vs. them', and all the things that separate us... I think we should be a little more open-minded. It doesn't have to be this or that; sometimes, it can be both. And both can be better! So I challenge you to try more both, more and, and more together. Dip your French fries in ice cream. ;) And if you find a great mash-up I need to hear, by all means, hit me up! I'm always looking for more and would love to swap you.

Nostalgia sure ain't what it used to be

Last Mother's Day (2019), my sister and I bought my mom a year-long "subscription" (for lack of a better word) to StoryWorth. (Not affiliated or promoted, just stating facts!) Once a week, your loved one gets some kind of insightful question about their life to answer, and they can respond via email or the website. They can even upload pictures to go along with each "story." So the idea is, after a year, you end up with a book of endearing memories that transcend time and space. (À la Seinfeld: yada yada yada... you get the idea.)

While I was at my mom's over the weekend, she asked me for more of my memories that she could write about. (Kind of defeats the purpose... but I let it slide.) I reminded her of some basic facets of my childhood... but I think this prompt is what sunk me into a deep nostalgia rut. The word 'nostalgia' itself is a very telling word: 'nostos' (Greek), meaning "return home" and 'algos,' meaning "pain." So essentially, "homecoming pain" or "homesickness."

Everyone feels nostalgia now and then, but I find it to be a little like quicksand: if you stand in it too long, you start to sink and get stuck. What started as some thoughtful reminiscing about a favorite Disney/Pixar movie then reminded me of another movie, which reminded me of one of my favorite college marching band shows. I started thinking of so many different tunes and drill and form and moments. Band camp, and rehearsals, and (a very few) unbelievable football victories, and (a lot more) heartbreaking football defeats. Memories of playing the fight song everywhere, chants, roving... but at the end of the day, always coming together as one united group and singing "The Bells of Iowa State." From there, it was a short trip to high school marching band memories, and then flashes of so many different instances of people and places throughout my entire life. Most of these memories are happy, and great, and wonderful... but the more I thought about them all, the more I felt sad - a deep heartache. I miss being a part of these things. I miss the hard work and the joy that came with it. I miss the people. And behind it all, is this loss - this feeling that all of these things are gone now, and can never be recaptured. They live on only in memories, because they can't be experienced again. In a way, they're dead. And how strange, to have all these full sections of my life that are completely unknown to some of the people I know now!

Maybe it hurts just a little bit more than it normally would at this moment, because we are all living in this uncertain haze. Will there be football in the fall? What will sports look like? What will amusement parks look like, or international travel, or theater? A lot of the 4th of July celebrations were cancelled this year. The state fair is cancelled. What will school look like? When will it all go back to normal? ...Will it ever go back to normal? "Lord, how long will this go on?" (Isaiah 6:11)

There are days when the pain brought on by all of this unknown is just too much to bear. We are all grieving, and if you've never experienced grief, let me tell you that it can be a miserable process. Sometimes you're fine, and sometimes you're not. Sometimes you think you've accepted it, and then the next day you feel like you're back at square one again. You deny, and you rage, and you cry, and you bargain. And then eventually... you wake up one day and realize you're in a good place. You don't remember getting there. You wonder if it will last. ...But for now, you're ok. And you will be ok.

I'm not there yet, with COVID. Some days, I'm still in the denial phase. (I'd love for it to take the hint and get lost.) But even though I can't relive all the weird patchwork echoes of my past that have shaped me into the person I am now, I can trust that there are going to be more (different, unique, but just as lovely) memories I'll make in the future... and life will eventually feel normal again, whether it looks the way I'm used to or ends up being a bit different. This is all part of a grand plan, and I'm just along for the ride. (And for the record: don't hesitate to ask me about anything marching band-related. I would be delighted to show you my favorite memories! 😉)

The Glue that Binds Us

I like to consider myself a bit of a video game connoisseur. Wait - don't leave! I know they aren't for everyone, but hear me out! Video games are art as much as any other medium, these days.

I recently finished a game called Detroit: Become Human. It was made by a French developer called Quantic Dream, who are known for creating gorgeous, interactive games that require you to make choices and live with the consequences. I've played a couple of their games before. What they lack in traditional gameplay, they make up for in thoughtfulness. They mostly involve a lot of exploration and QTEs, or quick time events - basically, a test of your reaction time. These kinds of video games tell a narrative in a way that imitates life. If you make a wrong choice or mess up a series of QTEs, characters can DIE. Consequently, you can miss out on whole sections of a story. (Believe me, it's happened! I've never been so disappointed in myself!) It really invests you in the decisions and the characters, because your actions mean life or death, love or hate, success or failure.

This world is set in Detroit, in the future. Androids - robots that look and act exactly like humans - are everywhere. Most homes have one - for housekeeping, for caretaking, for... pleasure (interpreted just like you'd imagine!). Businesses have androids too, and in a realistic twist, it's causing societal issues because androids are taking jobs away from humans. The world is full of so much hatred and discrimination and mistreatment of androids. But that doesn't really matter, right? After all, they're not human - they're just machines following orders.

...Or are they? This game covers so many relevant subjects. (Honestly, it doesn't even feel like sci-fi. It's scarily plausible. Just saw this article the other day! 😳 https://www.cnbc.com/2019/10/31/human-like-androids-have-entered-the-workplace-and-may-take-your-job.html) If you ever get the chance, you really should experience this game yourself... but let me describe one of my favorite scenes for you. There are three characters you play as throughout the game. This is the start of one character's story:

~

I wake up in a tech store, surrounded by androids waiting to be bought. I am a female android. A disheveled man comes to pick me up - I guess I must have been damaged somehow, and have now been repaired. I can return to my home.

The man isn't very nice. His wife left him, and he lost his job and is struggling to make ends meet. He lives alone with his daughter, who's probably about 9 or 10 years old. The house is a mess, because I haven't been there to take care of it. (I'm a housekeeping android.) I talk to the girl - I guess she named me Kara - but she is hesitant to engage with me. I get the impression that she witnessed something bad happen to me, that resulted in my needing to be fixed... but I was damaged badly enough that I have no memory prior to being repaired.

I clean up the house and make dinner. Meanwhile, however, the man has been abusing drugs and is in a fit of rage. He yells at the girl, and then smacks her. She runs upstairs, crying. He returns to the couch for a few more drags on his pipe. I go to follow the girl, but the man commands me not to move.

DO NOT MOVE, the game tells me. Is the girl ok? The man is still mad... he's likely to hurt her more, in his state. I can't just stand here. I wait briefly, and then go to move. DO NOT MOVE, the game scolds me. But then... it gives me a button prompt. I follow the sequence. I break free of my programming! I don't have to follow orders anymore.

What do I do now? I could try to talk to the man and calm him down... or I could go check on the girl upstairs. I decide the man probably can't be reasoned with. He seems to resent me. Talking to him might just upset him more. I go upstairs. Earlier, when I was cleaning, I noticed that the man keeps a gun in his bedside table. I also noticed the girl's bedroom window wasn't latched. As I hurry, I make a wrong turn and enter the man's room by mistake... so I open his bedside table. Do I take the gun? As I decide, he storms up the stairs and heads straight into the girl's room. Yes... yes, I better take the gun. Just to be safe.

He's ready for round two with the girl, and is already yelling at her some more. She's cowering. If I had been faster, maybe we both could have escaped before he even got to her room. Or maybe if I hadn't grabbed the gun, I could have helped her out the window. But no matter now. I can't change what happened.

I point the gun at the man, and tell him to get away from the girl. "What did you just say?!" he demands incredulously. He can't believe I'm defying his orders. He is aggressive, and my insubordination angers him further. Next thing I know, I'm battling for my life. He is determined to damage me again. In fact, he directly threatens it as he comes after me. I miss a few button prompts, and the gun gets knocked from my hand. We grapple. The girl is witnessing all of this, but doesn't know what to do. I take some damage, the man takes some damage, (the room takes some damage)... I'm not sure who's winning this fight.

BANG. The guns goes off. I'm on the floor, the man on top of me, the girl off to the side of the room. Where is the gun? Did I shoot him? Did he shoot me? Did the girl grab the gun and fire?

I roll the man's body off of mine. There is blood... human blood. The gun is in my hand. I shot the man. I am a deviant android, and I just killed a man. This does not look good. The girl and I exchange a look, and then we get out of that house. We catch a bus and escape to somewhere. Anywhere but here.

~

And that is one short, opening sequence of Detroit: Become Human. I could have talked to the man - would that have made a difference? I could have been faster - could we have escaped before he came up the stairs? I didn't have to grab the gun. Maybe the man didn't have to die... 😔 If I had failed more button prompts... I probably could have died.

But you only get to live life once, and I've only played this sequence the one time. I kind of like being able to choose not to replay it. I can speculate how it might have turned out differently, knowing what I know now. But in my story, for better or worse, I killed a man in self-defense, I became a fugitive, and the girl and I escaped to somewhere safe.

The other androids you play as in the game go through trials that put them in similar situations. They, too, can choose to become deviant and make decisions for themselves. That critical point usually comes as a result of a situation being evaluated as "unfair." That man hit his daughter... I must protect her! But I was commanded not to move. This isn't fair... this is wrong.

The game really understands what it means to be human. Nothing is more human than to feel empathy for another person. We are the most human when we can look at another person, feel what they feel, and give away part of ourselves to try to help.

I believe empathy was hard-wired into our design, though. After all, we have to have a pretty empathetic God, for Him to send His son Jesus to die in our place and cover our sins... wouldn't you say?