Spider? I hardly knew her!

Anyone who knows me AT ALL knows that I am not a fan of most bugs, least of all spiders. Spiders are creepy demon spawn. (You won't convince me otherwise, but you can try!) So I am more surprised than anyone that I am slightly affectionately inclined toward an eight-legged squatter residing between my house and my garage.

I took pity on her when I almost ran into her and her web while mowing last week. I recently read an article that insect numbers are decreasing at an alarming rate, so I resisted my initial gut reaction to grab a can of Raid and instead gently destroyed her web. She scuttled along into a bush, and I finished mowing. I figured that was the end of it.

THE VERY NEXT MORNING, she was back in the exact same place and had rebuilt her web. I admired her boldness to openly defy me. So, she has earned my respect, and I have earned hers (as long as I don't get too close - which I assure you is not a problem). I check up on her when I come and go.

I think she is a barn spider, but she is definitely an orb weaver. Her webs are beautifully intricate. I've done a little research on her. (I'm confident she's female because males rarely build webs - their only interest is finding a mate.) She'll only live about a year, she prefers to stay outside (thank goodness), and she rebuilds her web every day. She probably tends to be nocturnal, but I've never seen her not in the middle of her web. If she gets scared, she has at least a couple of escape lines, which are not sticky like her web is.

Growing up, I LOVED Charlotte's Web (the animated movie). It was one of my favorites, along with (The Tale of) Bunny Picnic. I can't explain why this spider is different from any of the others I've encountered in my life. I extended her a little bit of grace, and I guess I got stuck in her web. She's my own little (kind of terrifyingly big, actually) Charlotte.

If nothing else, she's helping to control the bug population around my house. I'm going to have to find her a new place of residence soon, though... the pest guy is coming next week. 😬

What happens in Vegas...

...gets talked about in this blog. (There's no reason for it to stay in Vegas.) Long story short, I took a week off to visit Las Vegas. I'd never been. It's always a city you hear so much about, so it seemed like a place I ought to check out at least once.

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure I'll be back to visit again anytime soon. The city left me feeling some combination of fascinated, horrified, and heartbroken. Let me explain.

I'll set the mood right at the beginning: getting off the plane. My first step into the airport was my first step into this alternate dimension. There were slot machines... in the airport. If you've never been in a casino, these things can be loud and obnoxious. No doubt the bleeps and bloops are intentional, to draw you into playing. I play video games, so I'm not unaccustomed to these kinds of sounds, but the noises slot machines make feel a lot more... threatening. Like a siren call, trying to lure you in to your own demise.

I didn't think too much of it at the time. Airports are naturally busy and noisy anyway, and it is Vegas, so no matter. But then we got to the hotel. Slot machines and tables were covering the entire main floor, and this place was HUGE. Not only that, you had to walk through the main floor to get anywhere - the parking garage, your hotel room, dining options, you name it. As someone who studied marketing, I can appreciate the genius of the layout... but I kid you not, there was never a time I walked through the main floor when someone was NOT playing the slots or gambling at a table.

This picture doesn't do the main floor of the hotel justice... the slot machines go on forever.

It was shocking, just observing some of these people in passing. I imagined most of them were addicted to the pulling of the lever, the pushing of the button, the ping of a 'win' or a 'better luck next time.' That mentality of "just one more try; this time, I'll hit the jackpot!" A cigarette in hand, a scantily clad woman bringing them drinks in another, a glazed over expression on their face. Each success positive reinforcement to keep going for more, each loss giving them incentive to try again for the next time they'd "win." An endless, numbing cycle.

But I wish that was the worst part.

The strip is beautiful - I won't deny that. But there is sex being sold on every other billboard, every other taxi or bus or neon sign, every other street corner. You couldn't drive anywhere without being inundated by ads for "adult-themed" shows, all claiming to be more "hands-on" than the next. There were ads for "girls direct to you!" It was the worst at night. There were gentleman on the sidewalks touting their wares like carnival barkers. "Strip club tonight! Come to the club! Strip cluuuub!" They handed out what I can only describe as baseball cards to advertise. I successfully ignored the attempts to thrust cards into my hand, but the pavement was littered with them: basically, nude women.

One of many such ads. This one was on a truck that I assume just drives around the strip all day.

Sometimes, the women themselves would be out walking around in flamboyant, sparkly, barely there garments... or sometimes, even less. Sometimes, just pasties.

There were casinos in every hotel, sex on every corner, booze and ciggies on every block, food in between, and lights and adverts everywhere. More is more, they would insist. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. YOLO.

I've been studying the first five books of the Bible, and I've never felt so strongly that this city is (I hope) the closest I'll ever get to visiting a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. (I suppose it is nicknamed "Sin City" for a reason.) Even the buildings themselves, while breathtaking, reeked of idolatry, each one trying to be more spectacular than the next. "They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise." Romans 1:25

A little nod to my Bible study group, The Table: we're in the book of Exodus right now. 😉

Even more interesting than all of that, though, was how I felt. At first, I was appalled by all of it. The gambling, the sex... the push for pleasure, whatever your vice is. Some things always remained appalling. But after a few days, I began to get used to the noisy slot machines, the bright advertisements, the people vying for my attention. We are so easily conditioned to exposure. "Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!" Matthew 6:22-23

I'm not here to tell you my whole trip to Vegas was bad. It wasn't. I hope to share another, more positive post soon. I'm also not here to tell you not to go to Vegas. I'm just here to say that as pretty and glamorous as it is, there is a darkness there that can't be lit up by any man-made lights. It was heartbreaking, thinking about some of these people as children of God, created in His image. The more we objectify people for their usefulness, the less human they become. It's really not supposed to be this way. 😟

Tell me the answer.

I watch the TV show The Good Place. It's full of philosophy, comedy, drama. Kristen Bell is hilarious. I recommend checking it out. Season 3 recently dropped on Netflix. 😉

I couldn't remember if I had already watched season 3 (live)... so I re-watched the last episode. Déjà vu: definitely had already seen it. There is something Janet says toward the end of the episode that I think is profound:

"If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be... special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design; it would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria."

I can relate to this in so many ways. There is so much mystery in this world - its history, its plants and animals and the way they are designed, all the complexities of humans... even the vast, emptiness of space! We've been on this earth for thousands of years already, and there are still so many things we know nothing about. But if we knew it all - if there was no mystery - would any of it have meaning anymore? I think not understanding all the intricacies of God and not having it all figured out gives life more value. It's one of the reasons why I can't get behind the big bang theory: do you really think all of life came down to chance? Dumb luck? Million-to-one odds? If that's true... doesn't that make everything a lot less special?

Knowing Jesus, then, is euphoria. He's that one thing that really seems to make sense. Without Him, we're here for a little while, and then gone. "The universe is just made of pain," according to Eleanor. With Him, we're still just here for a little while. There's also still pain. But after our time here is over, we don't just cease to exist. We get to be with our Creator, forever, in a place without pain. And we are called to a higher purpose while we are here: to share the gospel, and to be more Christ-like.

I've wrestled a lot recently with the idea of why God doesn't communicate with us directly anymore, like an all-powerful, thunderous voice from the sky. I've argued (mostly with myself) that it would be easier. It would save me a lot of confusion. You could just tell me what to do, Lord, and then I would know your will, and I would do it!

Funny thing is, though, that didn't always seem to work out in the Old Testament. God proved Himself many times, and would tell people like Abraham and Moses to do things. Sometimes they would do just as He said, and things worked out great! Sometimes they misinterpreted God or took things into their own hands because they weren't patient enough, and things turned out poorly. Sometimes they didn't trust God despite His promises, and asked Him to send anyone else. (Oh, Moses... always the skeptic. I think we'd get along in our insecurities. 😆)

The more I think about it, I'm not sure hearing God's voice in the literal sense would necessarily change anyone's approach. It should... but we're still human. We're still impatient, and defiant, and scared. If God gave us a bigger picture of His plan for our lives - that might make it even worse. How many people would choose to follow His will, if they knew upfront all the challenges they would face? Having that kind of knowledge would be daunting and overwhelming at best... paralyzing at worst.

No, I think God works best in the mystery. In the still, small voice that nudges you in a direction. I still struggle with picking up on the voice sometimes. In fact, I think a lot of the time, the voice is easily missed. Sometimes, it's completely silent. The path isn't always very clear... but I can see it when I turn around and look back. That's when it finally makes sense, and I have an "aha" moment and feel that euphoria. If I knew exactly how it would unfold ahead, it wouldn't be as meaningful, or I might straight up try to avoid it. As always, God's way is the best way. He knows us all too well.

Insecurity Breach

I've always longed to be understood.

I was never the popular kid in school. I wasn't the girl who had a lifelong best friend since kindergarten. I wasn't even someone who had a mortal enemy. I was just... that social chameleon who can get along with whoever. The studious girl. The one who seems nice, but who usually isn't worth the time investment. She's too quiet. She's too smart. She's too agreeable. She keeps to herself too much. I don't get her.

In high school, I thought I finally hit the jackpot. I made friends with a new girl. Neither of us really had any close friends, so it seemed perfect. We never got to hang out as much as I always imagined one would, with a best friend. I fantasized about having deep, meaningful, philosophical discussions - the kind where you bare your soul: your doubts, your fears, your insecurities, your hopes, your dreams, your life. The kind of conversations where you can talk about anything without judgment, without condemnation, without that nagging sense of worry, because you trust you will be loved and accepted for who you are. You know someone appreciates you for being unapologetically, uniquely you. No strings attached.

I've thought I found that a few times. But I got hurt. I withdrew. I came to the conclusion that it's generally not worth the risk, to be vulnerable. The prospect for pain and disappointment is too great. And so it has been.

That desire for connection is still there. Once in awhile, it rears its head, and it demands to have a seat at the table. It insists on being heard. Most of the time, I can wait it out. I can beat it back down into submission. I can pacify it by throwing myself hard into work, or a video game, or focusing on other people. Occasionally, a little glistening, sparkle of sincerity and candor leaks out in a passing sentence. (Blink and you might miss it.) Sometimes I'll wait. I'll wonder if, this time, someone might pull hard enough on the yarn to unravel the knot around my heart. That yearning is always there, lurking in the depths of my soul, wanting to be seen. Desperate to be understood.

The blog could end here, unceremoniously... hopelessly. Let's turn this around with a couple of takeaways.

If you know me, and you're intrigued and would like to get to know me better... ask. And ask again. Keep asking. Honestly, I love probing questions. I love to think, and sometimes it's fun to get caught off-guard. I want to get to the heart of the matter. As much as I long for you to know me, I also long to know you with a complex, deep, unadulterated intensity that surpasses all surface level conversation and niceties. Let's be real.

Truthfully, it's not going to come easy. It's something I need to work on. You're going to have to really want to get to know me, because I don't crack naturally, and there is a certain amount of patience required. But if we are both willing to put in the time, I believe we can achieve some kind of mutual, transcendental understanding. I would like to get there.

The second takeaway, of course, is that regardless of who you know - you can have this level of deep understanding with Jesus. Even though I crave to have this with other people as well, I already have this kind of relationship with Him. It is a relief to know that however I am feeling - whether it's misunderstood, or hurt, or hollow, or even playful - He already knows, so I can be 100% genuine when I pray to the Lord, because there is nothing I can hide. I hope you have this kind of relationship with Him, too. It's freeing.

So, let's get dinner or coffee or ice cream sometime. Let's just be in each other's presence, without the distraction of technology. Let's meet each other halfway, and be patient. Let's talk. We don't have to try to build Rome in a day... but let's start somewhere and see how far we get.

"The Perfect Boyfriend"

Wanted: a boyfriend for one Christ-centered woman

If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Sense of humor, good sport
Play games, all sorts

You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and live near the city
Go on outings, like to cook
Love dogs, read books

Must attend church and love Jesus
A Disney/Pixar fan is a big plus
Willing to try new things
And you need to have good personal hygiene

If you aren't cruel or impatient
I await you with anticipation
A Cyclone supporter
would be most ideal
So we don't fight
at every other meal

Hurry, Boyfriend!
God bless
Sincerely,

Your future girlfriend, Jess ;)



Inspired by "The Perfect Nanny" from Mary Poppins:

What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

"I feel like God has been calling me to do this," my friend gushed confidently.

Externally, I nodded as though I understood... but internally, I contemplated what exactly it feels like to be called to something by God.

There have been moments in my life where something felt really clear and obvious to do. But more often than not (especially recently), I've felt stuck in a holding pattern of uncertainty, with no apparent next step to take and no Gideon-esque sign from God laying out a plan.

I think I've felt what I would describe as "called" to write sometimes, over the last few months. It's like this preoccupation with an idea or a concept that I keep coming back to, and it feels like a nagging, energetic itch in my brain that I can't scratch without sharing. (In case you haven't figured it out, today's energetic itch is brought to you by the concept of "feelings!")

What are feelings? Can they be promptings from the Holy Spirit? Are they good, bad, or indifferent? Should I rely on them? What purpose do they serve?

I've felt a lot of different emotions in the last 12 months or so. In fact, I would argue that I've felt a greater range of feelings now than possibly ever before (sometimes all in the same day - can I get a witness?! 😅). What does it mean, when I feel consistently discouraged by aspects of my professional life, or when I feel lonely in my empty house, or when writing brings me fulfillment tinged with a sprinkle of anxiety? Or... does it mean anything at all?

I think the short answer to a lot of these questions is "it's complicated." I was listening to my current favorite podcast (The Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast), and in one of the episodes, I really loved the way Lysa TerKeurst described emotions: "Feelings are indicators, not dictators."

In the past, I've often approached feelings with disdain, like they're not worth my time, an inconvenience, and something to be ignored and pushed past because they serve no purpose other than to get in my way. ("Hey, I'm walkin' here!")

And naturally, when they become too big to be ignored, then they're an all-consuming, life-draining monster.

Until more recently, I had never considered that feelings might actually be ok. I was a little bit dumbfounded when I was walking with a friend a month or so ago and she told me my feelings about my current situation were justified. "They are?!" I thought. I never knew I needed that validation! I wasn't giving it to myself. My thoughts up to that point usually consisted of: "You shouldn't feel this way. Why do you? Figure out how to fix it."

I do think there's a careful balance to walk - because while feelings shouldn't be ignored, they also shouldn't be relied upon as truth. They can be intuitive, but that doesn't make them infallible. Think of Cain, feeling angry and dejected - to the point where he attacked and killed his brother, Abel. Cain chose to allow his emotions to be dictators, which resulted in sin controlling him. He should have realized the emotions he was feeling were indicators that something was off, and he needed to check his heart and change his actions (by offering his best crops as a gift to the Lord, like Abel offered his best from his flock). The Lord even warns Cain so! "You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master." Genesis 4:7

I frequently wish God would be so direct with me... but there is a beauty to the way He works in subtleties. If He can speak to me through the Bible, other believers, prayer, etc., then I certainly think that feelings (or "indicators," if you will) can also be used by God sometimes to reveal where I am at in my walk with Him and (if need be) nudge me in the right direction. Of course, I still need to be mindful that God's timing will not be the same as my timing - patience is required on my part. And most importantly, I think emotions need to be evaluated in conjunction with all of the other means through which I look to the Lord for guidance. Everything should be congruous. "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

I know it's not always as simple as it seems like it ought to be, but I do think having this perspective shift on emotions has been useful. I'll think of them more like a "check engine" light from now on. 😏

I am a writer.

I am a writer.

I studied journalism in high school, and some in college. I've mimicked poetry and newspaper headlines. I've written a few stories, both non-fiction and fiction (one story remains unfinished, sadly). I've penned many letters to family and friends. I've typed more heartfelt emails than I can count, and so many lengthy text messages you'd roll your eyes. In January this year, I started writing blog-style posts for the Facebook page of my Bible study group (shameless plug: https://www.facebook.com/TheTableDSM/). So yes, I am a writer. I guess somewhere, deep down, I've always known it... but after 28 years, I am finally admitting it publicly.

I'm not sure yet what I hope to accomplish by starting a blog. Right now, I feel like I'm having an existential crisis. Writing, like so many things, drifted away from me for a time. Life has a way of distracting you and tripping you up. So maybe this is me trying to catch up with a long-lost friend. Maybe it's me throwing honest thoughts into the deep reaches of space and time, with no expectation of anything in return. Maybe it starts some conversations! And maybe it evolves over time to something else entirely.

What I do know, is this: I trust God. This may lead somewhere; it may not. Only He knows. If it doesn't result in an outward change, it may result in an inward one. And that, alone, is worth something.

Regarding the name of the blog - God calls us to speak truth. I can find it in Psalm 15: "Lead blameless lives, do what is right, speak the truth from sincere hearts... such people will stand firm forever." It's also in Ephesians 4:15: "Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ." The truth is not always easy to speak. If I can share some of the truth that I know, or am learning, or is on my mind... then hopefully that helps me, and maybe it helps someone else as well.

Circling back to my opening line: I am a writer. It's in my blood, and I'm starting to think it might be by design. So let's take this journey, one step at a time, and watch what happens.