Won't you be my neighbor?

It's hard for me to remember where an idea comes from sometimes. Was I reading an article? Did I see something on Facebook? Was one of the worship songs one Sunday "Break Every Chain" ("There is power in the name of Jesus...")? Was I closing a prayer "in Jesus' name," out of habit? I really can't recall the origination. However, at some point in the last few weeks, I got stuck on the idea of the power and importance of names, and it's been following me around since.

This isn't a new concept, by any means. God tasks Adam with giving a name to all the animals and birds, and Adam named each and every one of them (in Genesis). God changes the names of some of his followers - Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, Simon to Peter. God names Himself:

But Moses protested, "If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, 'The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,' they will ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what should I tell them?" God replied to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. Say this to the people of Israel: I AM has sent me to you." God also said to Moses, "Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh, the God of your ancestors - the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob - has sent me to you. This is my eternal name, my name to remember for all generations." (Exodus 3:13-15)

And of course, the name of Jesus has significance as well:

"She will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord's message through his prophet: "Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us.'" (Matthew 1:21-23)

In that time, names had meaning that directly reflected a person's character. For example, Abram means "exalted father," and Abraham means "father of many." Abraham's name change coincides with God's promise (covenant) with Abraham to make him the father of many nations. The other name changes follow a similar progression.

Names these days don't necessarily carry the same kind of weight as they did back then, but they aren't any less important. I couldn't tell you what my name means without Googling it, but I can tell you that I am known by different variations of my name to different people. Jessica is the name I give to people at work and to strangers. My friends and family know me as Jessie. Sometimes, it's affectionately shortened to Jess.

Even works of fiction recognize the significance of names! I love the Harry Potter series as much as the next person. Most people, even those less familiar with the series, know that Voldemort, the main antagonist, is also known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, because most characters in the franchise are so terrified of this villain that they won't even utter his name aloud.

More recently, I saw "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood." If you haven't heard of it, it's a movie based on the true story of a journalist profiling Fred Rogers (played by Tom Hanks) of the classic TV show Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. The movie is a little lighter on Christianity content than I think is probably accurate, from the little I've read about Mister Rogers, but it is really good. The article that the movie is based on is really good too - you can check it out here.

In the movie, there are a number of powerful moments, but one that hit me was a scene of Fred Rogers kneeling by his bed and praying for people. It was depicted simply: he just said their names out loud. But he didn't try to abbreviate or shorten his prayer by, for example, saying "the Smith family." No, he prayed for each person by name, first and last. It was a beautiful moment, hearing this man pray for people - some of whom he had never even met - specifically by name.

So, where does all of this leave us? I think names are really powerful. Our identity is based in our name. The name of God and Jesus Christ is important (and why they are not to be said in vain), and there is power in the name of Jesus because there is power in Him. God knows us and calls us by name (in Isaiah). If we are believers, our names will be found written in the book of life (in Revelation). Therefore, I believe there is huge significance in knowing and calling and praying for people by name. Saying someone's name shows that we see, appreciate, and care about them. It might be one of the most neighborly things we can do. And after all...

'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Mark 12:31)

The Glue that Binds Us

I like to consider myself a bit of a video game connoisseur. Wait - don't leave! I know they aren't for everyone, but hear me out! Video games are art as much as any other medium, these days.

I recently finished a game called Detroit: Become Human. It was made by a French developer called Quantic Dream, who are known for creating gorgeous, interactive games that require you to make choices and live with the consequences. I've played a couple of their games before. What they lack in traditional gameplay, they make up for in thoughtfulness. They mostly involve a lot of exploration and QTEs, or quick time events - basically, a test of your reaction time. These kinds of video games tell a narrative in a way that imitates life. If you make a wrong choice or mess up a series of QTEs, characters can DIE. Consequently, you can miss out on whole sections of a story. (Believe me, it's happened! I've never been so disappointed in myself!) It really invests you in the decisions and the characters, because your actions mean life or death, love or hate, success or failure.

This world is set in Detroit, in the future. Androids - robots that look and act exactly like humans - are everywhere. Most homes have one - for housekeeping, for caretaking, for... pleasure (interpreted just like you'd imagine!). Businesses have androids too, and in a realistic twist, it's causing societal issues because androids are taking jobs away from humans. The world is full of so much hatred and discrimination and mistreatment of androids. But that doesn't really matter, right? After all, they're not human - they're just machines following orders.

...Or are they? This game covers so many relevant subjects. (Honestly, it doesn't even feel like sci-fi. It's scarily plausible. Just saw this article the other day! 😳 https://www.cnbc.com/2019/10/31/human-like-androids-have-entered-the-workplace-and-may-take-your-job.html) If you ever get the chance, you really should experience this game yourself... but let me describe one of my favorite scenes for you. There are three characters you play as throughout the game. This is the start of one character's story:

~

I wake up in a tech store, surrounded by androids waiting to be bought. I am a female android. A disheveled man comes to pick me up - I guess I must have been damaged somehow, and have now been repaired. I can return to my home.

The man isn't very nice. His wife left him, and he lost his job and is struggling to make ends meet. He lives alone with his daughter, who's probably about 9 or 10 years old. The house is a mess, because I haven't been there to take care of it. (I'm a housekeeping android.) I talk to the girl - I guess she named me Kara - but she is hesitant to engage with me. I get the impression that she witnessed something bad happen to me, that resulted in my needing to be fixed... but I was damaged badly enough that I have no memory prior to being repaired.

I clean up the house and make dinner. Meanwhile, however, the man has been abusing drugs and is in a fit of rage. He yells at the girl, and then smacks her. She runs upstairs, crying. He returns to the couch for a few more drags on his pipe. I go to follow the girl, but the man commands me not to move.

DO NOT MOVE, the game tells me. Is the girl ok? The man is still mad... he's likely to hurt her more, in his state. I can't just stand here. I wait briefly, and then go to move. DO NOT MOVE, the game scolds me. But then... it gives me a button prompt. I follow the sequence. I break free of my programming! I don't have to follow orders anymore.

What do I do now? I could try to talk to the man and calm him down... or I could go check on the girl upstairs. I decide the man probably can't be reasoned with. He seems to resent me. Talking to him might just upset him more. I go upstairs. Earlier, when I was cleaning, I noticed that the man keeps a gun in his bedside table. I also noticed the girl's bedroom window wasn't latched. As I hurry, I make a wrong turn and enter the man's room by mistake... so I open his bedside table. Do I take the gun? As I decide, he storms up the stairs and heads straight into the girl's room. Yes... yes, I better take the gun. Just to be safe.

He's ready for round two with the girl, and is already yelling at her some more. She's cowering. If I had been faster, maybe we both could have escaped before he even got to her room. Or maybe if I hadn't grabbed the gun, I could have helped her out the window. But no matter now. I can't change what happened.

I point the gun at the man, and tell him to get away from the girl. "What did you just say?!" he demands incredulously. He can't believe I'm defying his orders. He is aggressive, and my insubordination angers him further. Next thing I know, I'm battling for my life. He is determined to damage me again. In fact, he directly threatens it as he comes after me. I miss a few button prompts, and the gun gets knocked from my hand. We grapple. The girl is witnessing all of this, but doesn't know what to do. I take some damage, the man takes some damage, (the room takes some damage)... I'm not sure who's winning this fight.

BANG. The guns goes off. I'm on the floor, the man on top of me, the girl off to the side of the room. Where is the gun? Did I shoot him? Did he shoot me? Did the girl grab the gun and fire?

I roll the man's body off of mine. There is blood... human blood. The gun is in my hand. I shot the man. I am a deviant android, and I just killed a man. This does not look good. The girl and I exchange a look, and then we get out of that house. We catch a bus and escape to somewhere. Anywhere but here.

~

And that is one short, opening sequence of Detroit: Become Human. I could have talked to the man - would that have made a difference? I could have been faster - could we have escaped before he came up the stairs? I didn't have to grab the gun. Maybe the man didn't have to die... 😔 If I had failed more button prompts... I probably could have died.

But you only get to live life once, and I've only played this sequence the one time. I kind of like being able to choose not to replay it. I can speculate how it might have turned out differently, knowing what I know now. But in my story, for better or worse, I killed a man in self-defense, I became a fugitive, and the girl and I escaped to somewhere safe.

The other androids you play as in the game go through trials that put them in similar situations. They, too, can choose to become deviant and make decisions for themselves. That critical point usually comes as a result of a situation being evaluated as "unfair." That man hit his daughter... I must protect her! But I was commanded not to move. This isn't fair... this is wrong.

The game really understands what it means to be human. Nothing is more human than to feel empathy for another person. We are the most human when we can look at another person, feel what they feel, and give away part of ourselves to try to help.

I believe empathy was hard-wired into our design, though. After all, we have to have a pretty empathetic God, for Him to send His son Jesus to die in our place and cover our sins... wouldn't you say?

"Castle on a Cloud"

There is a castle on a cloud
Someday I'll go there in my sleep
No place for darkness there to creep
Not in the castle on a cloud

Jesus is there all dressed in white
Arms outstretched, a welcome sight
He's great to see and He's real to touch
He says, "My child, I love you very much"

I know a place where no one's lost
I know a place where no one cries
Crying at all is not allowed
Not in the castle on a cloud



Inspired by "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables:

No capes!

"The things you say about yourself... aren't necessarily true."

I was eating dinner with a friend a couple of days ago, and haven't been able to let this wisdom go. Her statement stopped me in my tracks. Would I lie to myself? Don't I know myself better than anyone? I should be the most qualified to accurately assess myself... right?

The truth is... no! I may, in fact, have some of the least accurate opinions about myself of anyone I know! How odd is it, that the one person I spend the most time with - myself - is someone I could so easily incorrectly portray?

It's no secret that I consider myself an insecure person. Feel free to look up some old blog posts on here, or some "Food for Thought" on The Table Facebook page (linked in the sidebar to the right). It's doubtless come up a few times (I'm too afraid to look at my old writing!). As Edna says:

I've come to realize a number of things, as I work on feeling less insecure. I sometimes pine after affirmation from others. I sometimes struggle to believe that God loves me, warts and all. And despite being aware of these things... I still go through recurring desperate bouts of feeling wholeheartedly unworthy.

I honestly don't have a guaranteed solution yet for how to pull out of an unworthiness tailspin. (I'll probably let you know, if I figure it out!) But after my friend's insight, and some research into what God has to say on the topic, here's what I do know:

1. Feelings are not truth (although that doesn't make feelings any less real).
2. Your own thoughts or preconceived notions you have about yourself may not be true.
3. Insecurity is fear (and probably also a sin!).
4. People have been insecure since they existed, both doubting God ("Did God really say..." in Genesis 3:1) and feeling ashamed after the fall ("So they hid from the Lord..." in Genesis 3:8).
5. Our identity is secure in Christ ("So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1).
6. So when I am feeling insecure about myself, it is because I am rooting my identity in others, in relation to others, in my own personal attributes, or through my past sins and failures.
7. Therefore, when I feel insecure I am basically questioning whether what God says about me is really true. By questioning my worthiness, I am questioning Christ's worthiness.
8. It could also mean: I am preoccupied with myself (pride), I am dissatisfied with God (grumbling for better manna), I long for validation from others more than God (seeking worldly affirmation), and/or I still feel my righteousness is justified in some way by my accomplishments (confidence from works).
9. Which is a warning to check my heart - but also an invitation to break free from false beliefs about myself and seek Him and what He has to say. (And He has a great deal to say! Please check out this article in particular [https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-god-thinks-about-you]; I really can't string it together better than they already have!)
10. Paul says it best: "I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. ... I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Philippians 3:7-9

All of this sounds great on paper, but I will be the first to admit that it is not nearly as easy to remember in moments of imposter syndrome and feeling deeply undeserving. There is no quick fix on this one. It's going to take time and effort, some serious heart guarding and thought/feeling mindfulness, and some bold faith.

But the good news is, my God is a BIG God. He can handle it. At the end of the day... who am I going to believe? The serpent, myself, or the Lord?

~

Behind every writer is (usually) more writers. This blog post was shaped and inspired by all of these articles:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/lay-aside-the-weight-of-insecurity

https://www.proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2017/04/25/you-are-who-god-says-you-are

https://www1.cbn.com/freedom-from-fear-and-self-doubt

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-sin-of-insecurity/

Spider? I hardly knew her!

Anyone who knows me AT ALL knows that I am not a fan of most bugs, least of all spiders. Spiders are creepy demon spawn. (You won't convince me otherwise, but you can try!) So I am more surprised than anyone that I am slightly affectionately inclined toward an eight-legged squatter residing between my house and my garage.

I took pity on her when I almost ran into her and her web while mowing last week. I recently read an article that insect numbers are decreasing at an alarming rate, so I resisted my initial gut reaction to grab a can of Raid and instead gently destroyed her web. She scuttled along into a bush, and I finished mowing. I figured that was the end of it.

THE VERY NEXT MORNING, she was back in the exact same place and had rebuilt her web. I admired her boldness to openly defy me. So, she has earned my respect, and I have earned hers (as long as I don't get too close - which I assure you is not a problem). I check up on her when I come and go.

I think she is a barn spider, but she is definitely an orb weaver. Her webs are beautifully intricate. I've done a little research on her. (I'm confident she's female because males rarely build webs - their only interest is finding a mate.) She'll only live about a year, she prefers to stay outside (thank goodness), and she rebuilds her web every day. She probably tends to be nocturnal, but I've never seen her not in the middle of her web. If she gets scared, she has at least a couple of escape lines, which are not sticky like her web is.

Growing up, I LOVED Charlotte's Web (the animated movie). It was one of my favorites, along with (The Tale of) Bunny Picnic. I can't explain why this spider is different from any of the others I've encountered in my life. I extended her a little bit of grace, and I guess I got stuck in her web. She's my own little (kind of terrifyingly big, actually) Charlotte.

If nothing else, she's helping to control the bug population around my house. I'm going to have to find her a new place of residence soon, though... the pest guy is coming next week. 😬

What happens in Vegas...

...gets talked about in this blog. (There's no reason for it to stay in Vegas.) Long story short, I took a week off to visit Las Vegas. I'd never been. It's always a city you hear so much about, so it seemed like a place I ought to check out at least once.

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure I'll be back to visit again anytime soon. The city left me feeling some combination of fascinated, horrified, and heartbroken. Let me explain.

I'll set the mood right at the beginning: getting off the plane. My first step into the airport was my first step into this alternate dimension. There were slot machines... in the airport. If you've never been in a casino, these things can be loud and obnoxious. No doubt the bleeps and bloops are intentional, to draw you into playing. I play video games, so I'm not unaccustomed to these kinds of sounds, but the noises slot machines make feel a lot more... threatening. Like a siren call, trying to lure you in to your own demise.

I didn't think too much of it at the time. Airports are naturally busy and noisy anyway, and it is Vegas, so no matter. But then we got to the hotel. Slot machines and tables were covering the entire main floor, and this place was HUGE. Not only that, you had to walk through the main floor to get anywhere - the parking garage, your hotel room, dining options, you name it. As someone who studied marketing, I can appreciate the genius of the layout... but I kid you not, there was never a time I walked through the main floor when someone was NOT playing the slots or gambling at a table.

This picture doesn't do the main floor of the hotel justice... the slot machines go on forever.

It was shocking, just observing some of these people in passing. I imagined most of them were addicted to the pulling of the lever, the pushing of the button, the ping of a 'win' or a 'better luck next time.' That mentality of "just one more try; this time, I'll hit the jackpot!" A cigarette in hand, a scantily clad woman bringing them drinks in another, a glazed over expression on their face. Each success positive reinforcement to keep going for more, each loss giving them incentive to try again for the next time they'd "win." An endless, numbing cycle.

But I wish that was the worst part.

The strip is beautiful - I won't deny that. But there is sex being sold on every other billboard, every other taxi or bus or neon sign, every other street corner. You couldn't drive anywhere without being inundated by ads for "adult-themed" shows, all claiming to be more "hands-on" than the next. There were ads for "girls direct to you!" It was the worst at night. There were gentleman on the sidewalks touting their wares like carnival barkers. "Strip club tonight! Come to the club! Strip cluuuub!" They handed out what I can only describe as baseball cards to advertise. I successfully ignored the attempts to thrust cards into my hand, but the pavement was littered with them: basically, nude women.

One of many such ads. This one was on a truck that I assume just drives around the strip all day.

Sometimes, the women themselves would be out walking around in flamboyant, sparkly, barely there garments... or sometimes, even less. Sometimes, just pasties.

There were casinos in every hotel, sex on every corner, booze and ciggies on every block, food in between, and lights and adverts everywhere. More is more, they would insist. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. YOLO.

I've been studying the first five books of the Bible, and I've never felt so strongly that this city is (I hope) the closest I'll ever get to visiting a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. (I suppose it is nicknamed "Sin City" for a reason.) Even the buildings themselves, while breathtaking, reeked of idolatry, each one trying to be more spectacular than the next. "They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise." Romans 1:25

A little nod to my Bible study group, The Table: we're in the book of Exodus right now. 😉

Even more interesting than all of that, though, was how I felt. At first, I was appalled by all of it. The gambling, the sex... the push for pleasure, whatever your vice is. Some things always remained appalling. But after a few days, I began to get used to the noisy slot machines, the bright advertisements, the people vying for my attention. We are so easily conditioned to exposure. "Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!" Matthew 6:22-23

I'm not here to tell you my whole trip to Vegas was bad. It wasn't. I hope to share another, more positive post soon. I'm also not here to tell you not to go to Vegas. I'm just here to say that as pretty and glamorous as it is, there is a darkness there that can't be lit up by any man-made lights. It was heartbreaking, thinking about some of these people as children of God, created in His image. The more we objectify people for their usefulness, the less human they become. It's really not supposed to be this way. 😟

Tell me the answer.

I watch the TV show The Good Place. It's full of philosophy, comedy, drama. Kristen Bell is hilarious. I recommend checking it out. Season 3 recently dropped on Netflix. 😉

I couldn't remember if I had already watched season 3 (live)... so I re-watched the last episode. Déjà vu: definitely had already seen it. There is something Janet says toward the end of the episode that I think is profound:

"If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be... special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design; it would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria."

I can relate to this in so many ways. There is so much mystery in this world - its history, its plants and animals and the way they are designed, all the complexities of humans... even the vast, emptiness of space! We've been on this earth for thousands of years already, and there are still so many things we know nothing about. But if we knew it all - if there was no mystery - would any of it have meaning anymore? I think not understanding all the intricacies of God and not having it all figured out gives life more value. It's one of the reasons why I can't get behind the big bang theory: do you really think all of life came down to chance? Dumb luck? Million-to-one odds? If that's true... doesn't that make everything a lot less special?

Knowing Jesus, then, is euphoria. He's that one thing that really seems to make sense. Without Him, we're here for a little while, and then gone. "The universe is just made of pain," according to Eleanor. With Him, we're still just here for a little while. There's also still pain. But after our time here is over, we don't just cease to exist. We get to be with our Creator, forever, in a place without pain. And we are called to a higher purpose while we are here: to share the gospel, and to be more Christ-like.

I've wrestled a lot recently with the idea of why God doesn't communicate with us directly anymore, like an all-powerful, thunderous voice from the sky. I've argued (mostly with myself) that it would be easier. It would save me a lot of confusion. You could just tell me what to do, Lord, and then I would know your will, and I would do it!

Funny thing is, though, that didn't always seem to work out in the Old Testament. God proved Himself many times, and would tell people like Abraham and Moses to do things. Sometimes they would do just as He said, and things worked out great! Sometimes they misinterpreted God or took things into their own hands because they weren't patient enough, and things turned out poorly. Sometimes they didn't trust God despite His promises, and asked Him to send anyone else. (Oh, Moses... always the skeptic. I think we'd get along in our insecurities. 😆)

The more I think about it, I'm not sure hearing God's voice in the literal sense would necessarily change anyone's approach. It should... but we're still human. We're still impatient, and defiant, and scared. If God gave us a bigger picture of His plan for our lives - that might make it even worse. How many people would choose to follow His will, if they knew upfront all the challenges they would face? Having that kind of knowledge would be daunting and overwhelming at best... paralyzing at worst.

No, I think God works best in the mystery. In the still, small voice that nudges you in a direction. I still struggle with picking up on the voice sometimes. In fact, I think a lot of the time, the voice is easily missed. Sometimes, it's completely silent. The path isn't always very clear... but I can see it when I turn around and look back. That's when it finally makes sense, and I have an "aha" moment and feel that euphoria. If I knew exactly how it would unfold ahead, it wouldn't be as meaningful, or I might straight up try to avoid it. As always, God's way is the best way. He knows us all too well.

Insecurity Breach

I've always longed to be understood.

I was never the popular kid in school. I wasn't the girl who had a lifelong best friend since kindergarten. I wasn't even someone who had a mortal enemy. I was just... that social chameleon who can get along with whoever. The studious girl. The one who seems nice, but who usually isn't worth the time investment. She's too quiet. She's too smart. She's too agreeable. She keeps to herself too much. I don't get her.

In high school, I thought I finally hit the jackpot. I made friends with a new girl. Neither of us really had any close friends, so it seemed perfect. We never got to hang out as much as I always imagined one would, with a best friend. I fantasized about having deep, meaningful, philosophical discussions - the kind where you bare your soul: your doubts, your fears, your insecurities, your hopes, your dreams, your life. The kind of conversations where you can talk about anything without judgment, without condemnation, without that nagging sense of worry, because you trust you will be loved and accepted for who you are. You know someone appreciates you for being unapologetically, uniquely you. No strings attached.

I've thought I found that a few times. But I got hurt. I withdrew. I came to the conclusion that it's generally not worth the risk, to be vulnerable. The prospect for pain and disappointment is too great. And so it has been.

That desire for connection is still there. Once in awhile, it rears its head, and it demands to have a seat at the table. It insists on being heard. Most of the time, I can wait it out. I can beat it back down into submission. I can pacify it by throwing myself hard into work, or a video game, or focusing on other people. Occasionally, a little glistening, sparkle of sincerity and candor leaks out in a passing sentence. (Blink and you might miss it.) Sometimes I'll wait. I'll wonder if, this time, someone might pull hard enough on the yarn to unravel the knot around my heart. That yearning is always there, lurking in the depths of my soul, wanting to be seen. Desperate to be understood.

The blog could end here, unceremoniously... hopelessly. Let's turn this around with a couple of takeaways.

If you know me, and you're intrigued and would like to get to know me better... ask. And ask again. Keep asking. Honestly, I love probing questions. I love to think, and sometimes it's fun to get caught off-guard. I want to get to the heart of the matter. As much as I long for you to know me, I also long to know you with a complex, deep, unadulterated intensity that surpasses all surface level conversation and niceties. Let's be real.

Truthfully, it's not going to come easy. It's something I need to work on. You're going to have to really want to get to know me, because I don't crack naturally, and there is a certain amount of patience required. But if we are both willing to put in the time, I believe we can achieve some kind of mutual, transcendental understanding. I would like to get there.

The second takeaway, of course, is that regardless of who you know - you can have this level of deep understanding with Jesus. Even though I crave to have this with other people as well, I already have this kind of relationship with Him. It is a relief to know that however I am feeling - whether it's misunderstood, or hurt, or hollow, or even playful - He already knows, so I can be 100% genuine when I pray to the Lord, because there is nothing I can hide. I hope you have this kind of relationship with Him, too. It's freeing.

So, let's get dinner or coffee or ice cream sometime. Let's just be in each other's presence, without the distraction of technology. Let's meet each other halfway, and be patient. Let's talk. We don't have to try to build Rome in a day... but let's start somewhere and see how far we get.

"The Perfect Boyfriend"

Wanted: a boyfriend for one Christ-centered woman

If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Sense of humor, good sport
Play games, all sorts

You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and live near the city
Go on outings, like to cook
Love dogs, read books

Must attend church and love Jesus
A Disney/Pixar fan is a big plus
Willing to try new things
And you need to have good personal hygiene

If you aren't cruel or impatient
I await you with anticipation
A Cyclone supporter
would be most ideal
So we don't fight
at every other meal

Hurry, Boyfriend!
God bless
Sincerely,

Your future girlfriend, Jess ;)



Inspired by "The Perfect Nanny" from Mary Poppins:

What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

"I feel like God has been calling me to do this," my friend gushed confidently.

Externally, I nodded as though I understood... but internally, I contemplated what exactly it feels like to be called to something by God.

There have been moments in my life where something felt really clear and obvious to do. But more often than not (especially recently), I've felt stuck in a holding pattern of uncertainty, with no apparent next step to take and no Gideon-esque sign from God laying out a plan.

I think I've felt what I would describe as "called" to write sometimes, over the last few months. It's like this preoccupation with an idea or a concept that I keep coming back to, and it feels like a nagging, energetic itch in my brain that I can't scratch without sharing. (In case you haven't figured it out, today's energetic itch is brought to you by the concept of "feelings!")

What are feelings? Can they be promptings from the Holy Spirit? Are they good, bad, or indifferent? Should I rely on them? What purpose do they serve?

I've felt a lot of different emotions in the last 12 months or so. In fact, I would argue that I've felt a greater range of feelings now than possibly ever before (sometimes all in the same day - can I get a witness?! 😅). What does it mean, when I feel consistently discouraged by aspects of my professional life, or when I feel lonely in my empty house, or when writing brings me fulfillment tinged with a sprinkle of anxiety? Or... does it mean anything at all?

I think the short answer to a lot of these questions is "it's complicated." I was listening to my current favorite podcast (The Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast), and in one of the episodes, I really loved the way Lysa TerKeurst described emotions: "Feelings are indicators, not dictators."

In the past, I've often approached feelings with disdain, like they're not worth my time, an inconvenience, and something to be ignored and pushed past because they serve no purpose other than to get in my way. ("Hey, I'm walkin' here!")

And naturally, when they become too big to be ignored, then they're an all-consuming, life-draining monster.

Until more recently, I had never considered that feelings might actually be ok. I was a little bit dumbfounded when I was walking with a friend a month or so ago and she told me my feelings about my current situation were justified. "They are?!" I thought. I never knew I needed that validation! I wasn't giving it to myself. My thoughts up to that point usually consisted of: "You shouldn't feel this way. Why do you? Figure out how to fix it."

I do think there's a careful balance to walk - because while feelings shouldn't be ignored, they also shouldn't be relied upon as truth. They can be intuitive, but that doesn't make them infallible. Think of Cain, feeling angry and dejected - to the point where he attacked and killed his brother, Abel. Cain chose to allow his emotions to be dictators, which resulted in sin controlling him. He should have realized the emotions he was feeling were indicators that something was off, and he needed to check his heart and change his actions (by offering his best crops as a gift to the Lord, like Abel offered his best from his flock). The Lord even warns Cain so! "You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master." Genesis 4:7

I frequently wish God would be so direct with me... but there is a beauty to the way He works in subtleties. If He can speak to me through the Bible, other believers, prayer, etc., then I certainly think that feelings (or "indicators," if you will) can also be used by God sometimes to reveal where I am at in my walk with Him and (if need be) nudge me in the right direction. Of course, I still need to be mindful that God's timing will not be the same as my timing - patience is required on my part. And most importantly, I think emotions need to be evaluated in conjunction with all of the other means through which I look to the Lord for guidance. Everything should be congruous. "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

I know it's not always as simple as it seems like it ought to be, but I do think having this perspective shift on emotions has been useful. I'll think of them more like a "check engine" light from now on. 😏