I recently got out of an abusive relationship.
It's been a couple of months now. Honestly, I wasn't aware I had been in that kind of a relationship until a short time ago. Abuse has a way of blinding us to the truth.
It never got physical - but I think mental/emotional abuse can be just as traumatizing, if not more so. I don't think the relationship started out abusive, but it certainly became abusive.
He became increasingly more controlling over my time. "You were late... where were you? Don't do that. You need to tell me when something comes up!" ... But there were double standards. If he was ever late, it was no big deal. He never made time for me, but I was expected to make time for him.
He was constantly critical of me. I was never enough for him. I was rarely appreciated. There was always something I could be doing better, or something that needed more of my attention. I couldn't satisfy him, no matter how hard I tried. Sometimes, I was outright blamed for things that he had done wrong. Sometimes, he gaslighted me. I went out of my way to reassure him, but my needs were never important.
I became convinced that this was my fault, somehow. If I just tried harder, if I just devoted more time... I could make this work, and he would see my value. If I just did more, he would love me for all that I brought to the relationship. It was my responsibility to give this my all. I wasn't going to give up on us. We even tried a little bit of counseling. He was nice to me, for a little while.
I tried to talk to him. He listened. He even apologized, once, for making me feel the way that I did. He told me he would really think about everything I said. He promised more conversations. He said things would change. ... He never delivered.
I began to realize that this relationship was destructive... but I felt trapped. He had control over my finances. How could I leave? And if I could find a way, what if I ended up in a worse relationship? What if this was the best I could ever do, and I was giving it up? Was he really that bad? Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.
Thank goodness I took a risk. Finally, I had had enough. I decided I couldn't stay in that relationship any longer. I remember the day I committed to telling him I was breaking up with him. My hands were trembling, and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I told him we needed to talk. I said my piece. He was quiet, and calm - too calm. "Well, that sucks," he said. "But I understand."
That was it. There was no emotion behind it - like he was never that invested in our relationship in the first place. He tried to keep some of my personal belongings from me, but I wouldn't let him. We said goodbye. He offered me one final, cold platitude: that every time he had criticized me or pushed me harder, he was really showing me that he loved me. And then, I left.
I want to tell you that I danced home, after I got out. I would love to say I threw a party. But I didn't. No, I cried over the loss of that relationship. I know now that it wasn't real love, but it still hurt to lose him. I'm embarrassed to say that for a few days, I missed his company. I think it hurt worse, because he acted like it didn't bother him at all. After all this time, he just shrugged. I didn't mean as much to him as I thought.
Now, I know better. I've grown. With separation, came clarity: he was manipulating and controlling me. He was using me. He never had my best interests at heart. I was just a means to an end for him. And you know what? I deserve better. And there is better out there!
Moral of the story: don't stay in an abusive relationship. Get out. You are worth it. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel 'less than.' It's not easy, but time really does heal all wounds.
Disclaimer: This isn't about a romantic relationship, but the framework applies all the same.
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Was God lonely?
Hello Blogger, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
There has been A LOT going on these last few weeks. I have thought so much about writing another blog post so many times. Sometimes, I start writing them in my head... but then there isn't an opportunity to type them out, or inspiration hits at the most inconvenient time (like 1 am), so the thoughts get lost and fizzle out.
Not today. Not this time.
About a year ago, I changed up my schedule. For years, prayer was something that happened in my head, before bed. (Sometimes, it still does!) I've always run into a problem with this method, though: I would regularly drift off into the sweet abyss of sleep before finishing my prayers. I became unsatisfied with this approach. Surely, I can do better. So I decided to try praying out loud, while driving.
Honestly, it's been pretty life-changing! Driving time has always been lost time, essentially. Now, it has purpose. My commute feels shorter, I have something meaningful to focus on (besides traffic), and I stay awake while I pray! (Because I'm driving. 😊) God and I have had some really powerful conversations this way.
Tonight's drive back to my house was no different. I've been learning a lot about trust, and rest, and joy these last few weeks. I really thought my next blog post would be on one of these topics, if lightning ever struck at the perfect time. But no. This evening, I somehow found myself talking to God about being lonely.
I get along with a lot of people, and I have cultivated friendships, and online dating is something I'm... attempting ("This is ridiculous / What am I doing here? / I'm in the wrong story!"). And yet, so much of the time, I don't feel like I have a deep emotional connection with anyone. Don't get me wrong - I have moments with people. But conversations are like digging a tunnel to the center of the earth. Most of the time, you don't get very far. Once in awhile, a conversation continues long enough for the tunnel to reach the molten core. It is, sadly, a pretty rare occurrence.
I got a little discouraged with God, that I'm never going to find my someone who gets me. My someone who stays on my molten core level. My confidante. I told God I was tired of feeling so alone and lonely all the time. I wish I had someone to share my life with.
...
And then I realized... were you lonely too, God? He could have stopped creation after day 5. He could've made animals on day 6 and called it good. The Bible doesn't say, but I imagine that at that point, God took a step back and surveyed His work. "This is beautiful," He might have said, pulling up a chair to rest. And then I envisioned Him sitting there, admiring all that beauty... but feeling a little empty. "I wish I had someone to share all this with."
The Bible doesn't say that, but it does say:
It sounds like God knew from experience that man would be lonely, and He didn't want His creation to feel that way. God made a woman from the man's rib, and the man exclaimed, "At last!" (Genesis 2:23)
Since then, of course, sin entered the world and things got messy. Here's the crazy part, though: the whole rest of the Bible is about God making a way for us to be reconciled with Him! We have screwed up time, and time (and time...) again, and He still pursues us! Because we are His beloved creation. We were never meant to spend all this time separated from Him... but that's a blog post for another day.
To bring this back on home: I think God understands how I feel, when I'm lonely. I think He looks down and says, "Oh my child, if you only knew..." And I have to believe that He's prepared a someone for me, and someday I'll be the one exclaiming, "At last!"
I've come to talk with you again
There has been A LOT going on these last few weeks. I have thought so much about writing another blog post so many times. Sometimes, I start writing them in my head... but then there isn't an opportunity to type them out, or inspiration hits at the most inconvenient time (like 1 am), so the thoughts get lost and fizzle out.
Not today. Not this time.
About a year ago, I changed up my schedule. For years, prayer was something that happened in my head, before bed. (Sometimes, it still does!) I've always run into a problem with this method, though: I would regularly drift off into the sweet abyss of sleep before finishing my prayers. I became unsatisfied with this approach. Surely, I can do better. So I decided to try praying out loud, while driving.
Honestly, it's been pretty life-changing! Driving time has always been lost time, essentially. Now, it has purpose. My commute feels shorter, I have something meaningful to focus on (besides traffic), and I stay awake while I pray! (Because I'm driving. 😊) God and I have had some really powerful conversations this way.
Tonight's drive back to my house was no different. I've been learning a lot about trust, and rest, and joy these last few weeks. I really thought my next blog post would be on one of these topics, if lightning ever struck at the perfect time. But no. This evening, I somehow found myself talking to God about being lonely.
I get along with a lot of people, and I have cultivated friendships, and online dating is something I'm... attempting ("This is ridiculous / What am I doing here? / I'm in the wrong story!"). And yet, so much of the time, I don't feel like I have a deep emotional connection with anyone. Don't get me wrong - I have moments with people. But conversations are like digging a tunnel to the center of the earth. Most of the time, you don't get very far. Once in awhile, a conversation continues long enough for the tunnel to reach the molten core. It is, sadly, a pretty rare occurrence.
I got a little discouraged with God, that I'm never going to find my someone who gets me. My someone who stays on my molten core level. My confidante. I told God I was tired of feeling so alone and lonely all the time. I wish I had someone to share my life with.
...
And then I realized... were you lonely too, God? He could have stopped creation after day 5. He could've made animals on day 6 and called it good. The Bible doesn't say, but I imagine that at that point, God took a step back and surveyed His work. "This is beautiful," He might have said, pulling up a chair to rest. And then I envisioned Him sitting there, admiring all that beauty... but feeling a little empty. "I wish I had someone to share all this with."
The Bible doesn't say that, but it does say:
So God created human beings in his own image.If I was created in God's image, then I would assume I was created with a lot of the same emotions God feels. I've never thought about God feeling lonely before, but I don't think I'm way off the mark here! In the next chapter, God knows that "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." (Genesis 2:18) So God had the man give all the animals and birds names. The animals weren't enough, though... "But still there was no helper just right for him." (Genesis 2:20)
In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27
It sounds like God knew from experience that man would be lonely, and He didn't want His creation to feel that way. God made a woman from the man's rib, and the man exclaimed, "At last!" (Genesis 2:23)
Since then, of course, sin entered the world and things got messy. Here's the crazy part, though: the whole rest of the Bible is about God making a way for us to be reconciled with Him! We have screwed up time, and time (and time...) again, and He still pursues us! Because we are His beloved creation. We were never meant to spend all this time separated from Him... but that's a blog post for another day.
To bring this back on home: I think God understands how I feel, when I'm lonely. I think He looks down and says, "Oh my child, if you only knew..." And I have to believe that He's prepared a someone for me, and someday I'll be the one exclaiming, "At last!"
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Good grief: a Frozen II commentary
I saw Frozen II last night. If you haven't seen it, go! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Also, there are going to be spoilers for both Frozen and Frozen II in this blog, so consider yourself warned.
As with all Disney movies, there are things to appreciate about the movie as an adult. We could talk about a lot of them. I hardcore relate to Elsa, Olaf is hilarious, and Kristoff's song in Frozen II is one big amazing homage to 80s rock ballads. If you've read any of my other posts, you know I love a good parody. 😏
There is a lot to love and appreciate - but I'm here to talk about Anna, and how relatable she is as a character who experiences grief.
In the first movie, we see Anna and her sister lose their parents during the "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" song. Anna has been rejected by her sister Elsa for most of her life. At a certain point, Anna gives up on the relationship. So, she has been lonely for awhile when her parents die tragically at sea. Anna longs to connect with her sister Elsa, her last remaining relative, especially at this moment when she is feeling so isolated and alone:
Elsa, please, I know you're in there
People are asking where you've been
They say, "have courage," and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you
Just let me in
We only have each other
It's just you and me
What are we gonna do?
Unfortunately, Anna is getting no support from her sister. She is desperate for affection. So desperate, that she literally falls for the first man who pays any attention to her: Hans. We all know how that ends... 🙄
But, that's how Disney subverted expectations for its first Frozen film! Because the true love of a sister thaws Anna's frozen heart, not the true love of some recently-met prince. Anna and Elsa start to mend their relationship, and as an added bonus, Anna meets and starts to fall for Kristoff, a much more genuine man.
Fast forward to Frozen II. It's been a few years. The kingdom of Arendelle is doing pretty well under Elsa, Elsa and Anna are on much better terms, and Anna and Kristoff will probably be engaged soon. But Elsa is feeling restless and still a bit like she doesn't belong, since she is the only person with ice powers. At the first sign of something intriguing, she feels drawn to investigate. What if there is something more out there - or someone else like herself?
After working so hard to mend their bond, Anna is terrified to let Elsa go by herself. Her loyalty and devotion is fierce. "She's my sister!" she exclaims several times. Anna won't lose someone again - she can't. This fear exhibits itself in her desperate attempts to follow her sister at all costs, regardless of the danger or Elsa's protests. It even shows up in Anna's relationship with Kristoff, where she routinely looks for reasons why he is going to break up with her (rather than reasons why he is about to propose, as is the case).
Anna is so fixated on clinging to her sister, she doesn't think twice about stranding Kristoff alone in the woods somewhere without telling him where she is going. Elsa is determined to get to the bottom of what's going on, but doesn't want to endanger Anna - so she literally pushes Anna away. This ultimately results in a very dark place for Anna: she is in a cave by herself, where no one knows she's stuck, and the death of Olaf indicates her sister likely just died. Anna's worst fear has come true. She has lost everyone she loves. She is alone.
All of this results in one of the most powerful, relatable, and yet encouraging songs - "The Next Right Thing":
I've seen dark before
But not like this
This is cold
This is empty
This is numb
The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb
I follow you around
I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for?
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath
This next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn, what comes then
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear that voice
I don't think anything quite encapsulates disappointment, discouragement, and depression quite like this song. And yet, it also clearly identifies what to do in just such a situation: the next right thing.
I've got a friend who has (several times!) mentioned the very same thing, when I have expressed how discouraged or hopeless I feel in a situation. She prays that God shows me the next step to take. "You don't need to know your whole future," she'll say. "You just need the next step." After that step, there will be another step. And another. Life is just one 'next right thing' after another until you look back and realize just how far you've come.
We could psychoanalyze Anna some more, but I think that's enough for today. And fear not: things end up working out pretty well for the Frozen gang and Anna.
If you're ever struggling, take a page out of Anna's book. Slow down and take life one step at a time. Just do the next right thing.
As with all Disney movies, there are things to appreciate about the movie as an adult. We could talk about a lot of them. I hardcore relate to Elsa, Olaf is hilarious, and Kristoff's song in Frozen II is one big amazing homage to 80s rock ballads. If you've read any of my other posts, you know I love a good parody. 😏
There is a lot to love and appreciate - but I'm here to talk about Anna, and how relatable she is as a character who experiences grief.
In the first movie, we see Anna and her sister lose their parents during the "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" song. Anna has been rejected by her sister Elsa for most of her life. At a certain point, Anna gives up on the relationship. So, she has been lonely for awhile when her parents die tragically at sea. Anna longs to connect with her sister Elsa, her last remaining relative, especially at this moment when she is feeling so isolated and alone:
Elsa, please, I know you're in there
People are asking where you've been
They say, "have courage," and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you
Just let me in
We only have each other
It's just you and me
What are we gonna do?
Unfortunately, Anna is getting no support from her sister. She is desperate for affection. So desperate, that she literally falls for the first man who pays any attention to her: Hans. We all know how that ends... 🙄
But, that's how Disney subverted expectations for its first Frozen film! Because the true love of a sister thaws Anna's frozen heart, not the true love of some recently-met prince. Anna and Elsa start to mend their relationship, and as an added bonus, Anna meets and starts to fall for Kristoff, a much more genuine man.
Fast forward to Frozen II. It's been a few years. The kingdom of Arendelle is doing pretty well under Elsa, Elsa and Anna are on much better terms, and Anna and Kristoff will probably be engaged soon. But Elsa is feeling restless and still a bit like she doesn't belong, since she is the only person with ice powers. At the first sign of something intriguing, she feels drawn to investigate. What if there is something more out there - or someone else like herself?
After working so hard to mend their bond, Anna is terrified to let Elsa go by herself. Her loyalty and devotion is fierce. "She's my sister!" she exclaims several times. Anna won't lose someone again - she can't. This fear exhibits itself in her desperate attempts to follow her sister at all costs, regardless of the danger or Elsa's protests. It even shows up in Anna's relationship with Kristoff, where she routinely looks for reasons why he is going to break up with her (rather than reasons why he is about to propose, as is the case).
Anna is so fixated on clinging to her sister, she doesn't think twice about stranding Kristoff alone in the woods somewhere without telling him where she is going. Elsa is determined to get to the bottom of what's going on, but doesn't want to endanger Anna - so she literally pushes Anna away. This ultimately results in a very dark place for Anna: she is in a cave by herself, where no one knows she's stuck, and the death of Olaf indicates her sister likely just died. Anna's worst fear has come true. She has lost everyone she loves. She is alone.
All of this results in one of the most powerful, relatable, and yet encouraging songs - "The Next Right Thing":
I've seen dark before
But not like this
This is cold
This is empty
This is numb
The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb
I follow you around
I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for?
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath
This next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn, what comes then
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear that voice
And do the next right thing
I don't think anything quite encapsulates disappointment, discouragement, and depression quite like this song. And yet, it also clearly identifies what to do in just such a situation: the next right thing.
I've got a friend who has (several times!) mentioned the very same thing, when I have expressed how discouraged or hopeless I feel in a situation. She prays that God shows me the next step to take. "You don't need to know your whole future," she'll say. "You just need the next step." After that step, there will be another step. And another. Life is just one 'next right thing' after another until you look back and realize just how far you've come.
We could psychoanalyze Anna some more, but I think that's enough for today. And fear not: things end up working out pretty well for the Frozen gang and Anna.
If you're ever struggling, take a page out of Anna's book. Slow down and take life one step at a time. Just do the next right thing.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Won't you be my neighbor?
It's hard for me to remember where an idea comes from sometimes. Was I reading an article? Did I see something on Facebook? Was one of the worship songs one Sunday "Break Every Chain" ("There is power in the name of Jesus...")? Was I closing a prayer "in Jesus' name," out of habit? I really can't recall the origination. However, at some point in the last few weeks, I got stuck on the idea of the power and importance of names, and it's been following me around since.
This isn't a new concept, by any means. God tasks Adam with giving a name to all the animals and birds, and Adam named each and every one of them (in Genesis). God changes the names of some of his followers - Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, Simon to Peter. God names Himself:
Names these days don't necessarily carry the same kind of weight as they did back then, but they aren't any less important. I couldn't tell you what my name means without Googling it, but I can tell you that I am known by different variations of my name to different people. Jessica is the name I give to people at work and to strangers. My friends and family know me as Jessie. Sometimes, it's affectionately shortened to Jess.
Even works of fiction recognize the significance of names! I love the Harry Potter series as much as the next person. Most people, even those less familiar with the series, know that Voldemort, the main antagonist, is also known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, because most characters in the franchise are so terrified of this villain that they won't even utter his name aloud.
More recently, I saw "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood." If you haven't heard of it, it's a movie based on the true story of a journalist profiling Fred Rogers (played by Tom Hanks) of the classic TV show Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. The movie is a little lighter on Christianity content than I think is probably accurate, from the little I've read about Mister Rogers, but it is really good. The article that the movie is based on is really good too - you can check it out here.
In the movie, there are a number of powerful moments, but one that hit me was a scene of Fred Rogers kneeling by his bed and praying for people. It was depicted simply: he just said their names out loud. But he didn't try to abbreviate or shorten his prayer by, for example, saying "the Smith family." No, he prayed for each person by name, first and last. It was a beautiful moment, hearing this man pray for people - some of whom he had never even met - specifically by name.
So, where does all of this leave us? I think names are really powerful. Our identity is based in our name. The name of God and Jesus Christ is important (and why they are not to be said in vain), and there is power in the name of Jesus because there is power in Him. God knows us and calls us by name (in Isaiah). If we are believers, our names will be found written in the book of life (in Revelation). Therefore, I believe there is huge significance in knowing and calling and praying for people by name. Saying someone's name shows that we see, appreciate, and care about them. It might be one of the most neighborly things we can do. And after all...
This isn't a new concept, by any means. God tasks Adam with giving a name to all the animals and birds, and Adam named each and every one of them (in Genesis). God changes the names of some of his followers - Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, Simon to Peter. God names Himself:
But Moses protested, "If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, 'The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,' they will ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what should I tell them?" God replied to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. Say this to the people of Israel: I AM has sent me to you." God also said to Moses, "Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh, the God of your ancestors - the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob - has sent me to you. This is my eternal name, my name to remember for all generations." (Exodus 3:13-15)And of course, the name of Jesus has significance as well:
"She will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord's message through his prophet: "Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us.'" (Matthew 1:21-23)In that time, names had meaning that directly reflected a person's character. For example, Abram means "exalted father," and Abraham means "father of many." Abraham's name change coincides with God's promise (covenant) with Abraham to make him the father of many nations. The other name changes follow a similar progression.
Names these days don't necessarily carry the same kind of weight as they did back then, but they aren't any less important. I couldn't tell you what my name means without Googling it, but I can tell you that I am known by different variations of my name to different people. Jessica is the name I give to people at work and to strangers. My friends and family know me as Jessie. Sometimes, it's affectionately shortened to Jess.
Even works of fiction recognize the significance of names! I love the Harry Potter series as much as the next person. Most people, even those less familiar with the series, know that Voldemort, the main antagonist, is also known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, because most characters in the franchise are so terrified of this villain that they won't even utter his name aloud.
More recently, I saw "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood." If you haven't heard of it, it's a movie based on the true story of a journalist profiling Fred Rogers (played by Tom Hanks) of the classic TV show Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. The movie is a little lighter on Christianity content than I think is probably accurate, from the little I've read about Mister Rogers, but it is really good. The article that the movie is based on is really good too - you can check it out here.
In the movie, there are a number of powerful moments, but one that hit me was a scene of Fred Rogers kneeling by his bed and praying for people. It was depicted simply: he just said their names out loud. But he didn't try to abbreviate or shorten his prayer by, for example, saying "the Smith family." No, he prayed for each person by name, first and last. It was a beautiful moment, hearing this man pray for people - some of whom he had never even met - specifically by name.
So, where does all of this leave us? I think names are really powerful. Our identity is based in our name. The name of God and Jesus Christ is important (and why they are not to be said in vain), and there is power in the name of Jesus because there is power in Him. God knows us and calls us by name (in Isaiah). If we are believers, our names will be found written in the book of life (in Revelation). Therefore, I believe there is huge significance in knowing and calling and praying for people by name. Saying someone's name shows that we see, appreciate, and care about them. It might be one of the most neighborly things we can do. And after all...
'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Mark 12:31)
Monday, November 11, 2019
The Glue that Binds Us
I like to consider myself a bit of a video game connoisseur. Wait - don't leave! I know they aren't for everyone, but hear me out! Video games are art as much as any other medium, these days.
I recently finished a game called Detroit: Become Human. It was made by a French developer called Quantic Dream, who are known for creating gorgeous, interactive games that require you to make choices and live with the consequences. I've played a couple of their games before. What they lack in traditional gameplay, they make up for in thoughtfulness. They mostly involve a lot of exploration and QTEs, or quick time events - basically, a test of your reaction time. These kinds of video games tell a narrative in a way that imitates life. If you make a wrong choice or mess up a series of QTEs, characters can DIE. Consequently, you can miss out on whole sections of a story. (Believe me, it's happened! I've never been so disappointed in myself!) It really invests you in the decisions and the characters, because your actions mean life or death, love or hate, success or failure.
This world is set in Detroit, in the future. Androids - robots that look and act exactly like humans - are everywhere. Most homes have one - for housekeeping, for caretaking, for... pleasure (interpreted just like you'd imagine!). Businesses have androids too, and in a realistic twist, it's causing societal issues because androids are taking jobs away from humans. The world is full of so much hatred and discrimination and mistreatment of androids. But that doesn't really matter, right? After all, they're not human - they're just machines following orders.
...Or are they? This game covers so many relevant subjects. (Honestly, it doesn't even feel like sci-fi. It's scarily plausible. Just saw this article the other day! 😳 https://www.cnbc.com/2019/10/31/human-like-androids-have-entered-the-workplace-and-may-take-your-job.html) If you ever get the chance, you really should experience this game yourself... but let me describe one of my favorite scenes for you. There are three characters you play as throughout the game. This is the start of one character's story:
~
I wake up in a tech store, surrounded by androids waiting to be bought. I am a female android. A disheveled man comes to pick me up - I guess I must have been damaged somehow, and have now been repaired. I can return to my home.
The man isn't very nice. His wife left him, and he lost his job and is struggling to make ends meet. He lives alone with his daughter, who's probably about 9 or 10 years old. The house is a mess, because I haven't been there to take care of it. (I'm a housekeeping android.) I talk to the girl - I guess she named me Kara - but she is hesitant to engage with me. I get the impression that she witnessed something bad happen to me, that resulted in my needing to be fixed... but I was damaged badly enough that I have no memory prior to being repaired.
I clean up the house and make dinner. Meanwhile, however, the man has been abusing drugs and is in a fit of rage. He yells at the girl, and then smacks her. She runs upstairs, crying. He returns to the couch for a few more drags on his pipe. I go to follow the girl, but the man commands me not to move.
DO NOT MOVE, the game tells me. Is the girl ok? The man is still mad... he's likely to hurt her more, in his state. I can't just stand here. I wait briefly, and then go to move. DO NOT MOVE, the game scolds me. But then... it gives me a button prompt. I follow the sequence. I break free of my programming! I don't have to follow orders anymore.
What do I do now? I could try to talk to the man and calm him down... or I could go check on the girl upstairs. I decide the man probably can't be reasoned with. He seems to resent me. Talking to him might just upset him more. I go upstairs. Earlier, when I was cleaning, I noticed that the man keeps a gun in his bedside table. I also noticed the girl's bedroom window wasn't latched. As I hurry, I make a wrong turn and enter the man's room by mistake... so I open his bedside table. Do I take the gun? As I decide, he storms up the stairs and heads straight into the girl's room. Yes... yes, I better take the gun. Just to be safe.
He's ready for round two with the girl, and is already yelling at her some more. She's cowering. If I had been faster, maybe we both could have escaped before he even got to her room. Or maybe if I hadn't grabbed the gun, I could have helped her out the window. But no matter now. I can't change what happened.
I point the gun at the man, and tell him to get away from the girl. "What did you just say?!" he demands incredulously. He can't believe I'm defying his orders. He is aggressive, and my insubordination angers him further. Next thing I know, I'm battling for my life. He is determined to damage me again. In fact, he directly threatens it as he comes after me. I miss a few button prompts, and the gun gets knocked from my hand. We grapple. The girl is witnessing all of this, but doesn't know what to do. I take some damage, the man takes some damage, (the room takes some damage)... I'm not sure who's winning this fight.
BANG. The guns goes off. I'm on the floor, the man on top of me, the girl off to the side of the room. Where is the gun? Did I shoot him? Did he shoot me? Did the girl grab the gun and fire?
I roll the man's body off of mine. There is blood... human blood. The gun is in my hand. I shot the man. I am a deviant android, and I just killed a man. This does not look good. The girl and I exchange a look, and then we get out of that house. We catch a bus and escape to somewhere. Anywhere but here.
~
And that is one short, opening sequence of Detroit: Become Human. I could have talked to the man - would that have made a difference? I could have been faster - could we have escaped before he came up the stairs? I didn't have to grab the gun. Maybe the man didn't have to die... 😔 If I had failed more button prompts... I probably could have died.
But you only get to live life once, and I've only played this sequence the one time. I kind of like being able to choose not to replay it. I can speculate how it might have turned out differently, knowing what I know now. But in my story, for better or worse, I killed a man in self-defense, I became a fugitive, and the girl and I escaped to somewhere safe.
The other androids you play as in the game go through trials that put them in similar situations. They, too, can choose to become deviant and make decisions for themselves. That critical point usually comes as a result of a situation being evaluated as "unfair." That man hit his daughter... I must protect her! But I was commanded not to move. This isn't fair... this is wrong.
The game really understands what it means to be human. Nothing is more human than to feel empathy for another person. We are the most human when we can look at another person, feel what they feel, and give away part of ourselves to try to help.
I believe empathy was hard-wired into our design, though. After all, we have to have a pretty empathetic God, for Him to send His son Jesus to die in our place and cover our sins... wouldn't you say?
I recently finished a game called Detroit: Become Human. It was made by a French developer called Quantic Dream, who are known for creating gorgeous, interactive games that require you to make choices and live with the consequences. I've played a couple of their games before. What they lack in traditional gameplay, they make up for in thoughtfulness. They mostly involve a lot of exploration and QTEs, or quick time events - basically, a test of your reaction time. These kinds of video games tell a narrative in a way that imitates life. If you make a wrong choice or mess up a series of QTEs, characters can DIE. Consequently, you can miss out on whole sections of a story. (Believe me, it's happened! I've never been so disappointed in myself!) It really invests you in the decisions and the characters, because your actions mean life or death, love or hate, success or failure.
This world is set in Detroit, in the future. Androids - robots that look and act exactly like humans - are everywhere. Most homes have one - for housekeeping, for caretaking, for... pleasure (interpreted just like you'd imagine!). Businesses have androids too, and in a realistic twist, it's causing societal issues because androids are taking jobs away from humans. The world is full of so much hatred and discrimination and mistreatment of androids. But that doesn't really matter, right? After all, they're not human - they're just machines following orders.
...Or are they? This game covers so many relevant subjects. (Honestly, it doesn't even feel like sci-fi. It's scarily plausible. Just saw this article the other day! 😳 https://www.cnbc.com/2019/10/31/human-like-androids-have-entered-the-workplace-and-may-take-your-job.html) If you ever get the chance, you really should experience this game yourself... but let me describe one of my favorite scenes for you. There are three characters you play as throughout the game. This is the start of one character's story:
~
I wake up in a tech store, surrounded by androids waiting to be bought. I am a female android. A disheveled man comes to pick me up - I guess I must have been damaged somehow, and have now been repaired. I can return to my home.
The man isn't very nice. His wife left him, and he lost his job and is struggling to make ends meet. He lives alone with his daughter, who's probably about 9 or 10 years old. The house is a mess, because I haven't been there to take care of it. (I'm a housekeeping android.) I talk to the girl - I guess she named me Kara - but she is hesitant to engage with me. I get the impression that she witnessed something bad happen to me, that resulted in my needing to be fixed... but I was damaged badly enough that I have no memory prior to being repaired.
I clean up the house and make dinner. Meanwhile, however, the man has been abusing drugs and is in a fit of rage. He yells at the girl, and then smacks her. She runs upstairs, crying. He returns to the couch for a few more drags on his pipe. I go to follow the girl, but the man commands me not to move.
DO NOT MOVE, the game tells me. Is the girl ok? The man is still mad... he's likely to hurt her more, in his state. I can't just stand here. I wait briefly, and then go to move. DO NOT MOVE, the game scolds me. But then... it gives me a button prompt. I follow the sequence. I break free of my programming! I don't have to follow orders anymore.
What do I do now? I could try to talk to the man and calm him down... or I could go check on the girl upstairs. I decide the man probably can't be reasoned with. He seems to resent me. Talking to him might just upset him more. I go upstairs. Earlier, when I was cleaning, I noticed that the man keeps a gun in his bedside table. I also noticed the girl's bedroom window wasn't latched. As I hurry, I make a wrong turn and enter the man's room by mistake... so I open his bedside table. Do I take the gun? As I decide, he storms up the stairs and heads straight into the girl's room. Yes... yes, I better take the gun. Just to be safe.
He's ready for round two with the girl, and is already yelling at her some more. She's cowering. If I had been faster, maybe we both could have escaped before he even got to her room. Or maybe if I hadn't grabbed the gun, I could have helped her out the window. But no matter now. I can't change what happened.
I point the gun at the man, and tell him to get away from the girl. "What did you just say?!" he demands incredulously. He can't believe I'm defying his orders. He is aggressive, and my insubordination angers him further. Next thing I know, I'm battling for my life. He is determined to damage me again. In fact, he directly threatens it as he comes after me. I miss a few button prompts, and the gun gets knocked from my hand. We grapple. The girl is witnessing all of this, but doesn't know what to do. I take some damage, the man takes some damage, (the room takes some damage)... I'm not sure who's winning this fight.
BANG. The guns goes off. I'm on the floor, the man on top of me, the girl off to the side of the room. Where is the gun? Did I shoot him? Did he shoot me? Did the girl grab the gun and fire?
I roll the man's body off of mine. There is blood... human blood. The gun is in my hand. I shot the man. I am a deviant android, and I just killed a man. This does not look good. The girl and I exchange a look, and then we get out of that house. We catch a bus and escape to somewhere. Anywhere but here.
~
And that is one short, opening sequence of Detroit: Become Human. I could have talked to the man - would that have made a difference? I could have been faster - could we have escaped before he came up the stairs? I didn't have to grab the gun. Maybe the man didn't have to die... 😔 If I had failed more button prompts... I probably could have died.
But you only get to live life once, and I've only played this sequence the one time. I kind of like being able to choose not to replay it. I can speculate how it might have turned out differently, knowing what I know now. But in my story, for better or worse, I killed a man in self-defense, I became a fugitive, and the girl and I escaped to somewhere safe.
The other androids you play as in the game go through trials that put them in similar situations. They, too, can choose to become deviant and make decisions for themselves. That critical point usually comes as a result of a situation being evaluated as "unfair." That man hit his daughter... I must protect her! But I was commanded not to move. This isn't fair... this is wrong.
The game really understands what it means to be human. Nothing is more human than to feel empathy for another person. We are the most human when we can look at another person, feel what they feel, and give away part of ourselves to try to help.
I believe empathy was hard-wired into our design, though. After all, we have to have a pretty empathetic God, for Him to send His son Jesus to die in our place and cover our sins... wouldn't you say?
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
"Castle on a Cloud"
There is a castle on a cloud
Someday I'll go there in my sleep
No place for darkness there to creep
Not in the castle on a cloud
Jesus is there all dressed in white
Arms outstretched, a welcome sight
He's great to see and He's real to touch
He says, "My child, I love you very much"
I know a place where no one's lost
I know a place where no one cries
Crying at all is not allowed
Not in the castle on a cloud
Inspired by "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables:
Someday I'll go there in my sleep
No place for darkness there to creep
Not in the castle on a cloud
Jesus is there all dressed in white
Arms outstretched, a welcome sight
He's great to see and He's real to touch
He says, "My child, I love you very much"
I know a place where no one's lost
I know a place where no one cries
Crying at all is not allowed
Not in the castle on a cloud
Inspired by "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables:
Monday, October 7, 2019
No capes!
"The things you say about yourself... aren't necessarily true."
I was eating dinner with a friend a couple of days ago, and haven't been able to let this wisdom go. Her statement stopped me in my tracks. Would I lie to myself? Don't I know myself better than anyone? I should be the most qualified to accurately assess myself... right?
The truth is... no! I may, in fact, have some of the least accurate opinions about myself of anyone I know! How odd is it, that the one person I spend the most time with - myself - is someone I could so easily incorrectly portray?
It's no secret that I consider myself an insecure person. Feel free to look up some old blog posts on here, or some "Food for Thought" on The Table Facebook page (linked in the sidebar to the right). It's doubtless come up a few times (I'm too afraid to look at my old writing!). As Edna says:
I've come to realize a number of things, as I work on feeling less insecure. I sometimes pine after affirmation from others. I sometimes struggle to believe that God loves me, warts and all. And despite being aware of these things... I still go through recurring desperate bouts of feeling wholeheartedly unworthy.
I honestly don't have a guaranteed solution yet for how to pull out of an unworthiness tailspin. (I'll probably let you know, if I figure it out!) But after my friend's insight, and some research into what God has to say on the topic, here's what I do know:
All of this sounds great on paper, but I will be the first to admit that it is not nearly as easy to remember in moments of imposter syndrome and feeling deeply undeserving. There is no quick fix on this one. It's going to take time and effort, some serious heart guarding and thought/feeling mindfulness, and some bold faith.
I was eating dinner with a friend a couple of days ago, and haven't been able to let this wisdom go. Her statement stopped me in my tracks. Would I lie to myself? Don't I know myself better than anyone? I should be the most qualified to accurately assess myself... right?
The truth is... no! I may, in fact, have some of the least accurate opinions about myself of anyone I know! How odd is it, that the one person I spend the most time with - myself - is someone I could so easily incorrectly portray?
It's no secret that I consider myself an insecure person. Feel free to look up some old blog posts on here, or some "Food for Thought" on The Table Facebook page (linked in the sidebar to the right). It's doubtless come up a few times (I'm too afraid to look at my old writing!). As Edna says:
I've come to realize a number of things, as I work on feeling less insecure. I sometimes pine after affirmation from others. I sometimes struggle to believe that God loves me, warts and all. And despite being aware of these things... I still go through recurring desperate bouts of feeling wholeheartedly unworthy.
I honestly don't have a guaranteed solution yet for how to pull out of an unworthiness tailspin. (I'll probably let you know, if I figure it out!) But after my friend's insight, and some research into what God has to say on the topic, here's what I do know:
- Feelings are not truth (although that doesn't make feelings any less real).
- Your own thoughts or preconceived notions you have about yourself may not be true.
- Insecurity is fear (and probably also a sin!).
- People have been insecure since they existed, both doubting God ("Did God really say..." in Genesis 3:1) and feeling ashamed after the fall ("So they hid from the Lord..." in Genesis 3:8).
- Our identity is secure in Christ ("So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1).
- So when I am feeling insecure about myself, it is because I am rooting my identity in others, in relation to others, in my own personal attributes, or through my past sins and failures.
- Therefore, when I feel insecure I am basically questioning whether what God says about me is really true. By questioning my worthiness, I am questioning Christ's worthiness.
- It could also mean: I am preoccupied with myself (pride), I am dissatisfied with God (grumbling for better manna), I long for validation from others more than God (seeking worldly affirmation), and/or I still feel my righteousness is justified in some way by my accomplishments (confidence from works).
- Which is a warning to check my heart - but also an invitation to break free from false beliefs about myself and seek Him and what He has to say. (And He has a great deal to say! Please check out this article in particular [https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-god-thinks-about-you]; I really can't string it together better than they already have!)
- Paul says it best: "I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. ... I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Philippians 3:7-9
All of this sounds great on paper, but I will be the first to admit that it is not nearly as easy to remember in moments of imposter syndrome and feeling deeply undeserving. There is no quick fix on this one. It's going to take time and effort, some serious heart guarding and thought/feeling mindfulness, and some bold faith.
But the good news is, my God is a BIG God. He can handle it. At the end of the day... who am I going to believe? The serpent, myself, or the Lord?
~
Behind every writer is (usually) more writers. This blog post was shaped and inspired by all of these articles:
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Spider? I hardly knew her!
Anyone who knows me AT ALL knows that I am not a fan of most bugs, least of all spiders. Spiders are creepy demon spawn. (You won't convince me otherwise, but you can try!) So I am more surprised than anyone that I am slightly affectionately inclined toward an eight-legged squatter residing between my house and my garage.
I took pity on her when I almost ran into her and her web while mowing last week. I recently read an article that insect numbers are decreasing at an alarming rate, so I resisted my initial gut reaction to grab a can of Raid and instead gently destroyed her web. She scuttled along into a bush, and I finished mowing. I figured that was the end of it.
THE VERY NEXT MORNING, she was back in the exact same place and had rebuilt her web. I admired her boldness to openly defy me. So, she has earned my respect, and I have earned hers (as long as I don't get too close - which I assure you is not a problem). I check up on her when I come and go.
I think she is a barn spider, but she is definitely an orb weaver. Her webs are beautifully intricate. I've done a little research on her. (I'm confident she's female because males rarely build webs - their only interest is finding a mate.) She'll only live about a year, she prefers to stay outside (thank goodness), and she rebuilds her web every day. She probably tends to be nocturnal, but I've never seen her not in the middle of her web. If she gets scared, she has at least a couple of escape lines, which are not sticky like her web is.
Growing up, I LOVED Charlotte's Web (the animated movie). It was one of my favorites, along with (The Tale of) Bunny Picnic. I can't explain why this spider is different from any of the others I've encountered in my life. I extended her a little bit of grace, and I guess I got stuck in her web. She's my ownlittle (kind of terrifyingly big, actually) Charlotte.
If nothing else, she's helping to control the bug population around my house. I'm going to have to find her a new place of residence soon, though... the pest guy is coming next week. 😬
I took pity on her when I almost ran into her and her web while mowing last week. I recently read an article that insect numbers are decreasing at an alarming rate, so I resisted my initial gut reaction to grab a can of Raid and instead gently destroyed her web. She scuttled along into a bush, and I finished mowing. I figured that was the end of it.
THE VERY NEXT MORNING, she was back in the exact same place and had rebuilt her web. I admired her boldness to openly defy me. So, she has earned my respect, and I have earned hers (as long as I don't get too close - which I assure you is not a problem). I check up on her when I come and go.
I think she is a barn spider, but she is definitely an orb weaver. Her webs are beautifully intricate. I've done a little research on her. (I'm confident she's female because males rarely build webs - their only interest is finding a mate.) She'll only live about a year, she prefers to stay outside (thank goodness), and she rebuilds her web every day. She probably tends to be nocturnal, but I've never seen her not in the middle of her web. If she gets scared, she has at least a couple of escape lines, which are not sticky like her web is.
Growing up, I LOVED Charlotte's Web (the animated movie). It was one of my favorites, along with (The Tale of) Bunny Picnic. I can't explain why this spider is different from any of the others I've encountered in my life. I extended her a little bit of grace, and I guess I got stuck in her web. She's my own
If nothing else, she's helping to control the bug population around my house. I'm going to have to find her a new place of residence soon, though... the pest guy is coming next week. 😬
Sunday, September 22, 2019
What happens in Vegas...
...gets talked about in this blog. (There's no reason for it to stay in Vegas.) Long story short, I took a week off to visit Las Vegas. I'd never been. It's always a city you hear so much about, so it seemed like a place I ought to check out at least once.
If I'm being honest, I'm not sure I'll be back to visit again anytime soon. The city left me feeling some combination of fascinated, horrified, and heartbroken. Let me explain.
I'll set the mood right at the beginning: getting off the plane. My first step into the airport was my first step into this alternate dimension. There were slot machines... in the airport. If you've never been in a casino, these things can be loud and obnoxious. No doubt the bleeps and bloops are intentional, to draw you into playing. I play video games, so I'm not unaccustomed to these kinds of sounds, but the noises slot machines make feel a lot more... threatening. Like a siren call, trying to lure you in to your own demise.
I didn't think too much of it at the time. Airports are naturally busy and noisy anyway, and it is Vegas, so no matter. But then we got to the hotel. Slot machines and tables were covering the entire main floor, and this place was HUGE. Not only that, you had to walk through the main floor to get anywhere - the parking garage, your hotel room, dining options, you name it. As someone who studied marketing, I can appreciate the genius of the layout... but I kid you not, there was never a time I walked through the main floor when someone was NOT playing the slots or gambling at a table.
It was shocking, just observing some of these people in passing. I imagined most of them were addicted to the pulling of the lever, the pushing of the button, the ping of a 'win' or a 'better luck next time.' That mentality of "just one more try; this time, I'll hit the jackpot!" A cigarette in hand, a scantily clad woman bringing them drinks in another, a glazed over expression on their face. Each success positive reinforcement to keep going for more, each loss giving them incentive to try again for the next time they'd "win." An endless, numbing cycle.
But I wish that was the worst part.
The strip is beautiful - I won't deny that. But there is sex being sold on every other billboard, every other taxi or bus or neon sign, every other street corner. You couldn't drive anywhere without being inundated by ads for "adult-themed" shows, all claiming to be more "hands-on" than the next. There were ads for "girls direct to you!" It was the worst at night. There were gentleman on the sidewalks touting their wares like carnival barkers. "Strip club tonight! Come to the club! Strip cluuuub!" They handed out what I can only describe as baseball cards to advertise. I successfully ignored the attempts to thrust cards into my hand, but the pavement was littered with them: basically, nude women.
Sometimes, the women themselves would be out walking around in flamboyant, sparkly, barely there garments... or sometimes, even less. Sometimes, just pasties.
There were casinos in every hotel, sex on every corner, booze and ciggies on every block, food in between, and lights and adverts everywhere. More is more, they would insist. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. YOLO.
I've been studying the first five books of the Bible, and I've never felt so strongly that this city is (I hope) the closest I'll ever get to visiting a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. (I suppose it is nicknamed "Sin City" for a reason.) Even the buildings themselves, while breathtaking, reeked of idolatry, each one trying to be more spectacular than the next. "They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise." Romans 1:25
Even more interesting than all of that, though, was how I felt. At first, I was appalled by all of it. The gambling, the sex... the push for pleasure, whatever your vice is. Some things always remained appalling. But after a few days, I began to get used to the noisy slot machines, the bright advertisements, the people vying for my attention. We are so easily conditioned to exposure. "Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!" Matthew 6:22-23
I'm not here to tell you my whole trip to Vegas was bad. It wasn't. I hope to share another, more positive post soon. I'm also not here to tell you not to go to Vegas. I'm just here to say that as pretty and glamorous as it is, there is a darkness there that can't be lit up by any man-made lights. It was heartbreaking, thinking about some of these people as children of God, created in His image. The more we objectify people for their usefulness, the less human they become. It's really not supposed to be this way. 😟
If I'm being honest, I'm not sure I'll be back to visit again anytime soon. The city left me feeling some combination of fascinated, horrified, and heartbroken. Let me explain.
I'll set the mood right at the beginning: getting off the plane. My first step into the airport was my first step into this alternate dimension. There were slot machines... in the airport. If you've never been in a casino, these things can be loud and obnoxious. No doubt the bleeps and bloops are intentional, to draw you into playing. I play video games, so I'm not unaccustomed to these kinds of sounds, but the noises slot machines make feel a lot more... threatening. Like a siren call, trying to lure you in to your own demise.
I didn't think too much of it at the time. Airports are naturally busy and noisy anyway, and it is Vegas, so no matter. But then we got to the hotel. Slot machines and tables were covering the entire main floor, and this place was HUGE. Not only that, you had to walk through the main floor to get anywhere - the parking garage, your hotel room, dining options, you name it. As someone who studied marketing, I can appreciate the genius of the layout... but I kid you not, there was never a time I walked through the main floor when someone was NOT playing the slots or gambling at a table.
 |
| This picture doesn't do the main floor of the hotel justice... the slot machines go on forever. |
But I wish that was the worst part.
The strip is beautiful - I won't deny that. But there is sex being sold on every other billboard, every other taxi or bus or neon sign, every other street corner. You couldn't drive anywhere without being inundated by ads for "adult-themed" shows, all claiming to be more "hands-on" than the next. There were ads for "girls direct to you!" It was the worst at night. There were gentleman on the sidewalks touting their wares like carnival barkers. "Strip club tonight! Come to the club! Strip cluuuub!" They handed out what I can only describe as baseball cards to advertise. I successfully ignored the attempts to thrust cards into my hand, but the pavement was littered with them: basically, nude women.
 |
| One of many such ads. This one was on a truck that I assume just drives around the strip all day. |
There were casinos in every hotel, sex on every corner, booze and ciggies on every block, food in between, and lights and adverts everywhere. More is more, they would insist. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. YOLO.
I've been studying the first five books of the Bible, and I've never felt so strongly that this city is (I hope) the closest I'll ever get to visiting a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. (I suppose it is nicknamed "Sin City" for a reason.) Even the buildings themselves, while breathtaking, reeked of idolatry, each one trying to be more spectacular than the next. "They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise." Romans 1:25
 |
| A little nod to my Bible study group, The Table: we're in the book of Exodus right now. 😉 |
I'm not here to tell you my whole trip to Vegas was bad. It wasn't. I hope to share another, more positive post soon. I'm also not here to tell you not to go to Vegas. I'm just here to say that as pretty and glamorous as it is, there is a darkness there that can't be lit up by any man-made lights. It was heartbreaking, thinking about some of these people as children of God, created in His image. The more we objectify people for their usefulness, the less human they become. It's really not supposed to be this way. 😟
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Tell me the answer.
I watch the TV show The Good Place. It's full of philosophy, comedy, drama. Kristen Bell is hilarious. I recommend checking it out. Season 3 recently dropped on Netflix. 😉
I couldn't remember if I had already watched season 3 (live)... so I re-watched the last episode. Déjà vu: definitely had already seen it. There is something Janet says toward the end of the episode that I think is profound:
"If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be... special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design; it would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria."
I can relate to this in so many ways. There is so much mystery in this world - its history, its plants and animals and the way they are designed, all the complexities of humans... even the vast, emptiness of space! We've been on this earth for thousands of years already, and there are still so many things we know nothing about. But if we knew it all - if there was no mystery - would any of it have meaning anymore? I think not understanding all the intricacies of God and not having it all figured out gives life more value. It's one of the reasons why I can't get behind the big bang theory: do you really think all of life came down to chance? Dumb luck? Million-to-one odds? If that's true... doesn't that make everything a lot less special?
Knowing Jesus, then, is euphoria. He's that one thing that really seems to make sense. Without Him, we're here for a little while, and then gone. "The universe is just made of pain," according to Eleanor. With Him, we're still just here for a little while. There's also still pain. But after our time here is over, we don't just cease to exist. We get to be with our Creator, forever, in a place without pain. And we are called to a higher purpose while we are here: to share the gospel, and to be more Christ-like.
I've wrestled a lot recently with the idea of why God doesn't communicate with us directly anymore, like an all-powerful, thunderous voice from the sky. I've argued (mostly with myself) that it would be easier. It would save me a lot of confusion. You could just tell me what to do, Lord, and then I would know your will, and I would do it!
Funny thing is, though, that didn't always seem to work out in the Old Testament. God proved Himself many times, and would tell people like Abraham and Moses to do things. Sometimes they would do just as He said, and things worked out great! Sometimes they misinterpreted God or took things into their own hands because they weren't patient enough, and things turned out poorly. Sometimes they didn't trust God despite His promises, and asked Him to send anyone else. (Oh, Moses... always the skeptic. I think we'd get along in our insecurities. 😆)
The more I think about it, I'm not sure hearing God's voice in the literal sense would necessarily change anyone's approach. It should... but we're still human. We're still impatient, and defiant, and scared. If God gave us a bigger picture of His plan for our lives - that might make it even worse. How many people would choose to follow His will, if they knew upfront all the challenges they would face? Having that kind of knowledge would be daunting and overwhelming at best... paralyzing at worst.
No, I think God works best in the mystery. In the still, small voice that nudges you in a direction. I still struggle with picking up on the voice sometimes. In fact, I think a lot of the time, the voice is easily missed. Sometimes, it's completely silent. The path isn't always very clear... but I can see it when I turn around and look back. That's when it finally makes sense, and I have an "aha" moment and feel that euphoria. If I knew exactly how it would unfold ahead, it wouldn't be as meaningful, or I might straight up try to avoid it. As always, God's way is the best way. He knows us all too well.
I couldn't remember if I had already watched season 3 (live)... so I re-watched the last episode. Déjà vu: definitely had already seen it. There is something Janet says toward the end of the episode that I think is profound:
"If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be... special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design; it would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria."
I can relate to this in so many ways. There is so much mystery in this world - its history, its plants and animals and the way they are designed, all the complexities of humans... even the vast, emptiness of space! We've been on this earth for thousands of years already, and there are still so many things we know nothing about. But if we knew it all - if there was no mystery - would any of it have meaning anymore? I think not understanding all the intricacies of God and not having it all figured out gives life more value. It's one of the reasons why I can't get behind the big bang theory: do you really think all of life came down to chance? Dumb luck? Million-to-one odds? If that's true... doesn't that make everything a lot less special?
Knowing Jesus, then, is euphoria. He's that one thing that really seems to make sense. Without Him, we're here for a little while, and then gone. "The universe is just made of pain," according to Eleanor. With Him, we're still just here for a little while. There's also still pain. But after our time here is over, we don't just cease to exist. We get to be with our Creator, forever, in a place without pain. And we are called to a higher purpose while we are here: to share the gospel, and to be more Christ-like.
I've wrestled a lot recently with the idea of why God doesn't communicate with us directly anymore, like an all-powerful, thunderous voice from the sky. I've argued (mostly with myself) that it would be easier. It would save me a lot of confusion. You could just tell me what to do, Lord, and then I would know your will, and I would do it!
Funny thing is, though, that didn't always seem to work out in the Old Testament. God proved Himself many times, and would tell people like Abraham and Moses to do things. Sometimes they would do just as He said, and things worked out great! Sometimes they misinterpreted God or took things into their own hands because they weren't patient enough, and things turned out poorly. Sometimes they didn't trust God despite His promises, and asked Him to send anyone else. (Oh, Moses... always the skeptic. I think we'd get along in our insecurities. 😆)
The more I think about it, I'm not sure hearing God's voice in the literal sense would necessarily change anyone's approach. It should... but we're still human. We're still impatient, and defiant, and scared. If God gave us a bigger picture of His plan for our lives - that might make it even worse. How many people would choose to follow His will, if they knew upfront all the challenges they would face? Having that kind of knowledge would be daunting and overwhelming at best... paralyzing at worst.
No, I think God works best in the mystery. In the still, small voice that nudges you in a direction. I still struggle with picking up on the voice sometimes. In fact, I think a lot of the time, the voice is easily missed. Sometimes, it's completely silent. The path isn't always very clear... but I can see it when I turn around and look back. That's when it finally makes sense, and I have an "aha" moment and feel that euphoria. If I knew exactly how it would unfold ahead, it wouldn't be as meaningful, or I might straight up try to avoid it. As always, God's way is the best way. He knows us all too well.
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