My Little Dog and I

My latest thoughts have wandered
As they so often do
To pondering how relationships
Reflect the love of Christ
Different bonds reveal different things
But sometimes I think
God's love is best mirrored
Between my dog and I

My little dog, she does not worry
For food, nor water, nor bed
She trusts
I will take care of her
And I provide
What she needs when she needs it

Though we don't share the same language
She understands my tone
And I hers
She recognizes my voice
And I know her bark,
Her growl, and her sigh

She longs to follow me
Wherever I go
But when I must leave her behind
She believes in my return
Patiently, she waits
With eager eyes and a wiggling tail

When I come back
She shouts for joy
And scampers around the room
Her licks and nibbles and whines
Tell me how much she missed me,
How glad she is that I'm home

In times of distress
Her eyes search mine
She comes to me to be kept safe
I hold her
My voice soothing and hand gentle
And we comfort each other

But best of all is when we both are tired
And lay side by side
Her, nestled in the crook of my arm
The world stops
Our hearts swell with love and peace
And for a short while
I can imagine
What eternity in heaven might feel like

Just my little dog and I

~

Some inspiring verses:

1 John 4:16
Matthew 6:26-32
Romans 8:26-27
John 10:27
1 Peter 1:8
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Philippians 4:6-7
Psalm 4:8
Revelation 21:4

Nostalgia sure ain't what it used to be

Last Mother's Day (2019), my sister and I bought my mom a year-long "subscription" (for lack of a better word) to StoryWorth. (Not affiliated or promoted, just stating facts!) Once a week, your loved one gets some kind of insightful question about their life to answer, and they can respond via email or the website. They can even upload pictures to go along with each "story." So the idea is, after a year, you end up with a book of endearing memories that transcend time and space. (À la Seinfeld: yada yada yada... you get the idea.)

While I was at my mom's over the weekend, she asked me for more of my memories that she could write about. (Kind of defeats the purpose... but I let it slide.) I reminded her of some basic facets of my childhood... but I think this prompt is what sunk me into a deep nostalgia rut. The word 'nostalgia' itself is a very telling word: 'nostos' (Greek), meaning "return home" and 'algos,' meaning "pain." So essentially, "homecoming pain" or "homesickness."

Everyone feels nostalgia now and then, but I find it to be a little like quicksand: if you stand in it too long, you start to sink and get stuck. What started as some thoughtful reminiscing about a favorite Disney/Pixar movie then reminded me of another movie, which reminded me of one of my favorite college marching band shows. I started thinking of so many different tunes and drill and form and moments. Band camp, and rehearsals, and (a very few) unbelievable football victories, and (a lot more) heartbreaking football defeats. Memories of playing the fight song everywhere, chants, roving... but at the end of the day, always coming together as one united group and singing "The Bells of Iowa State." From there, it was a short trip to high school marching band memories, and then flashes of so many different instances of people and places throughout my entire life. Most of these memories are happy, and great, and wonderful... but the more I thought about them all, the more I felt sad - a deep heartache. I miss being a part of these things. I miss the hard work and the joy that came with it. I miss the people. And behind it all, is this loss - this feeling that all of these things are gone now, and can never be recaptured. They live on only in memories, because they can't be experienced again. In a way, they're dead. And how strange, to have all these full sections of my life that are completely unknown to some of the people I know now!

Maybe it hurts just a little bit more than it normally would at this moment, because we are all living in this uncertain haze. Will there be football in the fall? What will sports look like? What will amusement parks look like, or international travel, or theater? A lot of the 4th of July celebrations were cancelled this year. The state fair is cancelled. What will school look like? When will it all go back to normal? ...Will it ever go back to normal? "Lord, how long will this go on?" (Isaiah 6:11)

There are days when the pain brought on by all of this unknown is just too much to bear. We are all grieving, and if you've never experienced grief, let me tell you that it can be a miserable process. Sometimes you're fine, and sometimes you're not. Sometimes you think you've accepted it, and then the next day you feel like you're back at square one again. You deny, and you rage, and you cry, and you bargain. And then eventually... you wake up one day and realize you're in a good place. You don't remember getting there. You wonder if it will last. ...But for now, you're ok. And you will be ok.

I'm not there yet, with COVID. Some days, I'm still in the denial phase. (I'd love for it to take the hint and get lost.) But even though I can't relive all the weird patchwork echoes of my past that have shaped me into the person I am now, I can trust that there are going to be more (different, unique, but just as lovely) memories I'll make in the future... and life will eventually feel normal again, whether it looks the way I'm used to or ends up being a bit different. This is all part of a grand plan, and I'm just along for the ride. (And for the record: don't hesitate to ask me about anything marching band-related. I would be delighted to show you my favorite memories! 😉)

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

As I sit here in front of my computer, desperately wanting to write but afraid that it's been so long that maybe I've forgotten how or lost my touch, I continue to wrestle with the one word that seems to follow me around and torment me wherever I go: should. It's like my shadow - I can't get rid of it, no matter how hard I try. And "should" frequently turns darker and heavier, the more time and thought I give it.

You should write a blog post. You haven't in awhile. Why do you even have a blog, if you're not going to write in it? What are you doing with your life?

You should do something productive today, like laundry, or cleaning, or landscaping work. It's not going to do itself. You wanted this. What will people think of you, if you can't keep up your house?

You should be happy. Things are finally looking up for you! You own your own home, you have a great job, you have amazing family and community and are developing the kind of close friendships you've desired for years. You have almost everything you've ever wanted... why can't you be content? What's wrong with you?

Sometimes, my "shoulds" push me to go just a little bit further, like someone training for a marathon. But more often than not, they show me all the ways I haven't measured up to expectations, like that student who gets 99/100 on an exam and can't celebrate the A for the sake of that one question they should have known the answer to. It's exhausting, never being enough. It's empty. It's "like chasing the wind," according to Ecclesiastes. And Solomon, the author, would know - he, too, eventually had everything, but came to the end of himself and instead of finding satisfaction, found discontent. "Everything is meaningless," he repeats over and over throughout the book.

We are hard-wired to seek perfection, because we were created in God's (perfect) image. Our souls long for it, because they were designed with perfection in mind. But even when we had it, back in the beginning, we weren't satisfied - we thought we wanted more, and the devil capitalized on that:

One day [the serpent] asked the woman, "Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?"

"Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden," the woman replied. "It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, 'You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.'"

"You won't die!" the serpent replied to the woman. "God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil."

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. Genesis 3:1-6

"Fantastic," I can hear you saying. "So I was created to crave perfection, but I can't achieve it, I'll never be satisfied, and everything is meaningless. Is that the point you're trying to convey? Isn't that hugely disappointing and discouraging?"

Well, yes. It is... if the story stopped there. But Jesus came, lived a perfect life in this imperfect world, and became a sacrifice for us because we aren't capable of meeting God's standards. His blood paid - and continues to pay - and will pay - for all our imperfections. So every time I feel like I'm not enough, and I "should" something else, I can remember that Christ is enough, so I don't have to be. And thank goodness for that, because I can't.

"Ah, ok," you say. "Then I don't have to do anything. No obligations!" ...Technically, if you believe in Christ, then yes. But my friend James says "faith without works is dead."

You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can't you see that faith without good deeds is useless? James 2:19-20

So no, I'm not saying there should be no more "shoulds." But the devil definitely still manipulates "should" from a healthy guilt into a false guilt to try to trap us. False guilt isn't true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, or admirable. It's instead focused around fear of disapproval. That doesn't benefit anyone, especially myself! Go back and re-read my "shoulds" from above - don't you see how they all spiraled into self-defeating lies?

Let's re-write them so they're based in truth:

You should write a blog post. You always have such rich insights to share with others, no matter the size of your audience. Your thoughts are valid and useful!

You should do something productive today, like laundry, or cleaning, or landscaping work. God has blessed you with such nice things, and it is good that you appreciate them and take care of them so diligently!

You should be happy. Things are finally looking up for you! You own your own home, you have a great job, you have amazing family and community and are developing the kind of close friendships you've desired for years. You have almost everything you've ever wanted! But it's ok to still struggle sometimes, even when things are going well. God will always meet you where you're at.

To close, a small bit of wisdom that allows us to come full circle: I can't make my shadow go away, but I notice it less if I focus my attention up at the light instead of down on myself. "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2

Adventures in Quarantine: #coronafails

Today is my last opportunity to write a blog post for the month of April. (Hard to believe it's been that long since the last time I wrote!) There has been a lot of news and lessons in the last month - and although I haven't written on my blog in awhile, I have still been writing through other means here and there. I'm going to keep it light today, and talk about some of my corona failures. If God has been teaching me one thing these last few months, it's that it is ok to fail!

A lot of people have been taking on new hobbies during this quar-ant-ine. (You'll see what I did there, in a minute.) I decided to throw it way back to childhood and start an ant farm! ... Involuntarily. In my kitchen wall. 😒

On the bright side, my kitchen is SO CLEAN right now!

I've also been working on my baking skills! ... Out of a box. (It was still more work than you'd expect - the only effort it saved me was measuring dry ingredients.) I'm not winning The Great British Baking Show anytime soon, but these scones maybe weren't a total failure. I think I nailed it... don't you agree? 😏

 

(Hey, they tasted all right! A win is a win!)

And last but not least, I tried my hand at fixing electronics - the obvious next hobby to try in isolation. (I've done some minor internal maintenance on gaming systems in the past! It wasn't completely outside my realm of possibilities.) Some buttons on my TV got busted in, so I figured it was an easy fix to take the TV apart, find the buttons, and put them where they belonged.

Turns out, tube TVs are a little harder to navigate than a NES. I busted the casing. ... And then not only was unable to fix the original busted buttons, but pushed in another one to boot! Oops.

That was a bummer. But tube TVs aren't too hard to come by these days (I guess no one wants them anymore? 🤷), so I picked one up for the low, low price of free! No VHS/DVD player included, but I can still go hunting whenever I want... so I did.

This is your reminder that life is full of peaks and valleys! You won't appreciate the peaks, if you don't have to go through any valleys first. Success isn't everything. Celebrate your failures too, and see what you can learn from them.

Glad I can keep it real with you! Until next time...

Death, where is your sting?

I couldn't tell you the last conversation my dad and I had before he passed. I'd like to tell you that it was some inspirational speech, or that we sat down and reconciled everything that had ever gone wrong in our relationship, or that he said all the things he knew he was going to miss getting to say to me in my future. Life doesn't always work out the way we'd like. One day he was fine, and the next morning, I woke up to my mom asking me to watch the dogs because the ambulance was coming and Dad was probably dying.

My dad had ALS. Even when you know death is coming, it isn't any easier to accept. I remember sitting on the floor, praying that it wasn't his time yet. There were conversations we hadn't had. He hadn't walked me down the aisle yet. My kids hadn't met him, he hadn't helped me with my house, we hadn't gotten to travel to an ISU bowl game together... I'm not ready, I thought.

It was touch and go, but he rallied for a little while. We were hopeful... but it soon became evident that he wouldn't be coming home. We moved him from the hospital to hospice. By that point, communicating was difficult - it was hard for him to breathe well enough to speak, most of the time. He had a couple of really good days, in hospice. So many friends and family came to visit him. He knew a lot of people, and was loved by many. He really lit up, getting to see so many of these people he'd built relationships with throughout his life.

I couldn't take that joy away from him. My friends brought puzzles - we worked on them together outside his room as he socialized. At the end of that second good day, he was worn out. We'd talk the next day, I thought. Besides, what do you say to someone who's dying? How do you even start that conversation?

If I had to guess, our last talk was probably pretty simple that evening. "Jess!" he would've gasped excitedly. I would've said something about how nice it was, that so many people came to see him. He would've talked lovingly about his friends, some of whom he hadn't seen in years. I would've told him I'd see him tomorrow. We would've exchanged 'I love you's. And I would've left, wondering when we were going to have our real conversation - the one I was certain we would have before his time here was done. Tomorrow. I was sure of it.

That tomorrow never came. He was never really conscious again, after that day. The few moments he was, he couldn't speak - because he couldn't talk with his breathing machine on, but couldn't breathe enough to form words without it. The hospice nurses made him comfortable. He wasn't in pain, but he seemed to be straddling both worlds: his body tethering him to this one, but his spirit longing for the next.

I remember being kind of mad. Mad at him, for not giving me that conversation. Mad at myself, for not initiating it. But looking at him, I knew I couldn't keep him here for a chance at a conversation that would never happen. I gave him permission to go... but his body was holding him hostage here. His breathing machine, to be more specific.

Sometimes, letting go is the most merciful thing you can do for someone. I don't know if he was cognizant, when I said my last goodbye to him and finally said some of the things I had imagined that we'd talk about together. By then, his eyes were unseeing - just fixated ahead. He couldn't squeeze my hand. He was breathing, but there was no longer signs of life in him. The hospice nurses will tell you that your loved one is aware in times like this, but I can't be sure. I trust that he heard, and he knew.

He was given a lot of painkillers, and we took him off the breathing machine. Our pastor sang Amazing Grace. And my dad was released, and he slipped out of this world.

I'm not here to tell you any of it was easy. Not in the slightest. And it's still not easy. But through all of it... I wasn't afraid. I didn't have to fear for my dad's spirit. I knew he was a Christian. Death was not the end for him. In fact, in a lot of ways, death was a relief for my dad, and for us. He didn't have to suffer anymore. He wasn't stuck in a failing body. He was free. I miss him, but I know I'll see him again someday. When we're reunited, there will be endless opportunities for conversations, and there won't be disappointment or sorrow. Our relationship will be redeemed like it never was here on earth.

So, as I sit here, the coronavirus filling up my news feed, panic spreading like wildfire... I am here to remind you that this is not the end. As children of God, fear has no power over us. Not fear of disease, not fear of sickness, not fear of death.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation - so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?" Psalm 27:1

Fear is of the devil.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 

Don't be reckless. Take precautions as needed. God doesn't tell us to be foolish. But this is a reminder that one of the best parts about being a Christian is not having to fear death. We are free in Christ Jesus. We are temporary residents here. Our days are numbered, and being afraid of some virus or the end won't add a single day to our lives. Use the time you've been given, and go out and live. Have conversations with people. Jesus has already overcome this world. It is finished.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1

Abuse can happen to anyone

I recently got out of an abusive relationship.

It's been a couple of months now. Honestly, I wasn't aware I had been in that kind of a relationship until a short time ago. Abuse has a way of blinding us to the truth.

It never got physical - but I think mental/emotional abuse can be just as traumatizing, if not more so. I don't think the relationship started out abusive, but it certainly became abusive.

He became increasingly more controlling over my time. "You were late... where were you? Don't do that. You need to tell me when something comes up!" ... But there were double standards. If he was ever late, it was no big deal. He never made time for me, but I was expected to make time for him.

He was constantly critical of me. I was never enough for him. I was rarely appreciated. There was always something I could be doing better, or something that needed more of my attention. I couldn't satisfy him, no matter how hard I tried. Sometimes, I was outright blamed for things that he had done wrong. Sometimes, he gaslighted me. I went out of my way to reassure him, but my needs were never important.

I became convinced that this was my fault, somehow. If I just tried harder, if I just devoted more time... I could make this work, and he would see my value. If I just did more, he would love me for all that I brought to the relationship. It was my responsibility to give this my all. I wasn't going to give up on us. We even tried a little bit of counseling. He was nice to me, for a little while.

I tried to talk to him. He listened. He even apologized, once, for making me feel the way that I did. He told me he would really think about everything I said. He promised more conversations. He said things would change. ... He never delivered.

I began to realize that this relationship was destructive... but I felt trapped. He had control over my finances. How could I leave? And if I could find a way, what if I ended up in a worse relationship? What if this was the best I could ever do, and I was giving it up? Was he really that bad? Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.

Thank goodness I took a risk. Finally, I had had enough. I decided I couldn't stay in that relationship any longer. I remember the day I committed to telling him I was breaking up with him. My hands were trembling, and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I told him we needed to talk. I said my piece. He was quiet, and calm - too calm. "Well, that sucks," he said. "But I understand."

That was it. There was no emotion behind it - like he was never that invested in our relationship in the first place. He tried to keep some of my personal belongings from me, but I wouldn't let him. We said goodbye. He offered me one final, cold platitude: that every time he had criticized me or pushed me harder, he was really showing me that he loved me. And then, I left.

I want to tell you that I danced home, after I got out. I would love to say I threw a party. But I didn't. No, I cried over the loss of that relationship. I know now that it wasn't real love, but it still hurt to lose him. I'm embarrassed to say that for a few days, I missed his company. I think it hurt worse, because he acted like it didn't bother him at all. After all this time, he just shrugged. I didn't mean as much to him as I thought.

Now, I know better. I've grown. With separation, came clarity: he was manipulating and controlling me. He was using me. He never had my best interests at heart. I was just a means to an end for him. And you know what? I deserve better. And there is better out there!

Moral of the story: don't stay in an abusive relationship. Get out. You are worth it. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel 'less than.' It's not easy, but time really does heal all wounds.








Disclaimer: This isn't about a romantic relationship, but the framework applies all the same.

Was God lonely?

Hello Blogger, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again

There has been A LOT going on these last few weeks. I have thought so much about writing another blog post so many times. Sometimes, I start writing them in my head... but then there isn't an opportunity to type them out, or inspiration hits at the most inconvenient time (like 1 am), so the thoughts get lost and fizzle out.

Not today. Not this time.

About a year ago, I changed up my schedule. For years, prayer was something that happened in my head, before bed. (Sometimes, it still does!) I've always run into a problem with this method, though: I would regularly drift off into the sweet abyss of sleep before finishing my prayers. I became unsatisfied with this approach. Surely, I can do better. So I decided to try praying out loud, while driving.

Honestly, it's been pretty life-changing! Driving time has always been lost time, essentially. Now, it has purpose. My commute feels shorter, I have something meaningful to focus on (besides traffic), and I stay awake while I pray! (Because I'm driving. 😊) God and I have had some really powerful conversations this way.

Tonight's drive back to my house was no different. I've been learning a lot about trust, and rest, and joy these last few weeks. I really thought my next blog post would be on one of these topics, if lightning ever struck at the perfect time. But no. This evening, I somehow found myself talking to God about being lonely.

I get along with a lot of people, and I have cultivated friendships, and online dating is something I'm... attempting ("This is ridiculous / What am I doing here? / I'm in the wrong story!"). And yet, so much of the time, I don't feel like I have a deep emotional connection with anyone. Don't get me wrong - I have moments with people. But conversations are like digging a tunnel to the center of the earth. Most of the time, you don't get very far. Once in awhile, a conversation continues long enough for the tunnel to reach the molten core. It is, sadly, a pretty rare occurrence.

I got a little discouraged with God, that I'm never going to find my someone who gets me. My someone who stays on my molten core level. My confidante. I told God I was tired of feeling so alone and lonely all the time. I wish I had someone to share my life with.

...

And then I realized... were you lonely too, God? He could have stopped creation after day 5. He could've made animals on day 6 and called it good. The Bible doesn't say, but I imagine that at that point, God took a step back and surveyed His work. "This is beautiful," He might have said, pulling up a chair to rest. And then I envisioned Him sitting there, admiring all that beauty... but feeling a little empty. "I wish I had someone to share all this with."

The Bible doesn't say that, but it does say:

So God created human beings in his own image.
In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

If I was created in God's image, then I would assume I was created with a lot of the same emotions God feels. I've never thought about God feeling lonely before, but I don't think I'm way off the mark here! In the next chapter, God knows that "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." (Genesis 2:18) So God had the man give all the animals and birds names. The animals weren't enough, though... "But still there was no helper just right for him." (Genesis 2:20)

It sounds like God knew from experience that man would be lonely, and He didn't want His creation to feel that way. God made a woman from the man's rib, and the man exclaimed, "At last!" (Genesis 2:23)

Since then, of course, sin entered the world and things got messy. Here's the crazy part, though: the whole rest of the Bible is about God making a way for us to be reconciled with Him! We have screwed up time, and time (and time...) again, and He still pursues us! Because we are His beloved creation. We were never meant to spend all this time separated from Him... but that's a blog post for another day.

To bring this back on home: I think God understands how I feel, when I'm lonely. I think He looks down and says, "Oh my child, if you only knew..." And I have to believe that He's prepared a someone for me, and someday I'll be the one exclaiming, "At last!"

Good grief: a Frozen II commentary

I saw Frozen II last night. If you haven't seen it, go! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Also, there are going to be spoilers for both Frozen and Frozen II in this blog, so consider yourself warned.

As with all Disney movies, there are things to appreciate about the movie as an adult. We could talk about a lot of them. I hardcore relate to Elsa, Olaf is hilarious, and Kristoff's song in Frozen II is one big amazing homage to 80s rock ballads. If you've read any of my other posts, you know I love a good parody. 😏

There is a lot to love and appreciate - but I'm here to talk about Anna, and how relatable she is as a character who experiences grief.

In the first movie, we see Anna and her sister lose their parents during the "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" song. Anna has been rejected by her sister Elsa for most of her life. At a certain point, Anna gives up on the relationship. So, she has been lonely for awhile when her parents die tragically at sea. Anna longs to connect with her sister Elsa, her last remaining relative, especially at this moment when she is feeling so isolated and alone:

Elsa, please, I know you're in there
People are asking where you've been
They say, "have courage," and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you
Just let me in

We only have each other
It's just you and me

What are we gonna do?

Unfortunately, Anna is getting no support from her sister. She is desperate for affection. So desperate, that she literally falls for the first man who pays any attention to her: Hans. We all know how that ends... 🙄

But, that's how Disney subverted expectations for its first Frozen film! Because the true love of a sister thaws Anna's frozen heart, not the true love of some recently-met prince. Anna and Elsa start to mend their relationship, and as an added bonus, Anna meets and starts to fall for Kristoff, a much more genuine man.

Fast forward to Frozen II. It's been a few years. The kingdom of Arendelle is doing pretty well under Elsa, Elsa and Anna are on much better terms, and Anna and Kristoff will probably be engaged soon. But Elsa is feeling restless and still a bit like she doesn't belong, since she is the only person with ice powers. At the first sign of something intriguing, she feels drawn to investigate. What if there is something more out there - or someone else like herself?

After working so hard to mend their bond, Anna is terrified to let Elsa go by herself. Her loyalty and devotion is fierce. "She's my sister!" she exclaims several times. Anna won't lose someone again - she can't. This fear exhibits itself in her desperate attempts to follow her sister at all costs, regardless of the danger or Elsa's protests. It even shows up in Anna's relationship with Kristoff, where she routinely looks for reasons why he is going to break up with her (rather than reasons why he is about to propose, as is the case).

Anna is so fixated on clinging to her sister, she doesn't think twice about stranding Kristoff alone in the woods somewhere without telling him where she is going. Elsa is determined to get to the bottom of what's going on, but doesn't want to endanger Anna - so she literally pushes Anna away. This ultimately results in a very dark place for Anna: she is in a cave by herself, where no one knows she's stuck, and the death of Olaf indicates her sister likely just died. Anna's worst fear has come true. She has lost everyone she loves. She is alone.

All of this results in one of the most powerful, relatable, and yet encouraging songs - "The Next Right Thing":

I've seen dark before
But not like this
This is cold
This is empty
This is numb
The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb

I follow you around
I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for?
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing

I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath
This next step
This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn, what comes then
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear that voice

And do the next right thing

I don't think anything quite encapsulates disappointment, discouragement, and depression quite like this song. And yet, it also clearly identifies what to do in just such a situation: the next right thing.

I've got a friend who has (several times!) mentioned the very same thing, when I have expressed how discouraged or hopeless I feel in a situation. She prays that God shows me the next step to take. "You don't need to know your whole future," she'll say. "You just need the next step." After that step, there will be another step. And another. Life is just one 'next right thing' after another until you look back and realize just how far you've come.

We could psychoanalyze Anna some more, but I think that's enough for today. And fear not: things end up working out pretty well for the Frozen gang and Anna.

If you're ever struggling, take a page out of Anna's book. Slow down and take life one step at a time. Just do the next right thing.

Won't you be my neighbor?

It's hard for me to remember where an idea comes from sometimes. Was I reading an article? Did I see something on Facebook? Was one of the worship songs one Sunday "Break Every Chain" ("There is power in the name of Jesus...")? Was I closing a prayer "in Jesus' name," out of habit? I really can't recall the origination. However, at some point in the last few weeks, I got stuck on the idea of the power and importance of names, and it's been following me around since.

This isn't a new concept, by any means. God tasks Adam with giving a name to all the animals and birds, and Adam named each and every one of them (in Genesis). God changes the names of some of his followers - Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, Simon to Peter. God names Himself:

But Moses protested, "If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, 'The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,' they will ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what should I tell them?" God replied to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. Say this to the people of Israel: I AM has sent me to you." God also said to Moses, "Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh, the God of your ancestors - the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob - has sent me to you. This is my eternal name, my name to remember for all generations." (Exodus 3:13-15)

And of course, the name of Jesus has significance as well:

"She will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord's message through his prophet: "Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us.'" (Matthew 1:21-23)

In that time, names had meaning that directly reflected a person's character. For example, Abram means "exalted father," and Abraham means "father of many." Abraham's name change coincides with God's promise (covenant) with Abraham to make him the father of many nations. The other name changes follow a similar progression.

Names these days don't necessarily carry the same kind of weight as they did back then, but they aren't any less important. I couldn't tell you what my name means without Googling it, but I can tell you that I am known by different variations of my name to different people. Jessica is the name I give to people at work and to strangers. My friends and family know me as Jessie. Sometimes, it's affectionately shortened to Jess.

Even works of fiction recognize the significance of names! I love the Harry Potter series as much as the next person. Most people, even those less familiar with the series, know that Voldemort, the main antagonist, is also known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, because most characters in the franchise are so terrified of this villain that they won't even utter his name aloud.

More recently, I saw "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood." If you haven't heard of it, it's a movie based on the true story of a journalist profiling Fred Rogers (played by Tom Hanks) of the classic TV show Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. The movie is a little lighter on Christianity content than I think is probably accurate, from the little I've read about Mister Rogers, but it is really good. The article that the movie is based on is really good too - you can check it out here.

In the movie, there are a number of powerful moments, but one that hit me was a scene of Fred Rogers kneeling by his bed and praying for people. It was depicted simply: he just said their names out loud. But he didn't try to abbreviate or shorten his prayer by, for example, saying "the Smith family." No, he prayed for each person by name, first and last. It was a beautiful moment, hearing this man pray for people - some of whom he had never even met - specifically by name.

So, where does all of this leave us? I think names are really powerful. Our identity is based in our name. The name of God and Jesus Christ is important (and why they are not to be said in vain), and there is power in the name of Jesus because there is power in Him. God knows us and calls us by name (in Isaiah). If we are believers, our names will be found written in the book of life (in Revelation). Therefore, I believe there is huge significance in knowing and calling and praying for people by name. Saying someone's name shows that we see, appreciate, and care about them. It might be one of the most neighborly things we can do. And after all...

'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Mark 12:31)

The Glue that Binds Us

I like to consider myself a bit of a video game connoisseur. Wait - don't leave! I know they aren't for everyone, but hear me out! Video games are art as much as any other medium, these days.

I recently finished a game called Detroit: Become Human. It was made by a French developer called Quantic Dream, who are known for creating gorgeous, interactive games that require you to make choices and live with the consequences. I've played a couple of their games before. What they lack in traditional gameplay, they make up for in thoughtfulness. They mostly involve a lot of exploration and QTEs, or quick time events - basically, a test of your reaction time. These kinds of video games tell a narrative in a way that imitates life. If you make a wrong choice or mess up a series of QTEs, characters can DIE. Consequently, you can miss out on whole sections of a story. (Believe me, it's happened! I've never been so disappointed in myself!) It really invests you in the decisions and the characters, because your actions mean life or death, love or hate, success or failure.

This world is set in Detroit, in the future. Androids - robots that look and act exactly like humans - are everywhere. Most homes have one - for housekeeping, for caretaking, for... pleasure (interpreted just like you'd imagine!). Businesses have androids too, and in a realistic twist, it's causing societal issues because androids are taking jobs away from humans. The world is full of so much hatred and discrimination and mistreatment of androids. But that doesn't really matter, right? After all, they're not human - they're just machines following orders.

...Or are they? This game covers so many relevant subjects. (Honestly, it doesn't even feel like sci-fi. It's scarily plausible. Just saw this article the other day! 😳 https://www.cnbc.com/2019/10/31/human-like-androids-have-entered-the-workplace-and-may-take-your-job.html) If you ever get the chance, you really should experience this game yourself... but let me describe one of my favorite scenes for you. There are three characters you play as throughout the game. This is the start of one character's story:

~

I wake up in a tech store, surrounded by androids waiting to be bought. I am a female android. A disheveled man comes to pick me up - I guess I must have been damaged somehow, and have now been repaired. I can return to my home.

The man isn't very nice. His wife left him, and he lost his job and is struggling to make ends meet. He lives alone with his daughter, who's probably about 9 or 10 years old. The house is a mess, because I haven't been there to take care of it. (I'm a housekeeping android.) I talk to the girl - I guess she named me Kara - but she is hesitant to engage with me. I get the impression that she witnessed something bad happen to me, that resulted in my needing to be fixed... but I was damaged badly enough that I have no memory prior to being repaired.

I clean up the house and make dinner. Meanwhile, however, the man has been abusing drugs and is in a fit of rage. He yells at the girl, and then smacks her. She runs upstairs, crying. He returns to the couch for a few more drags on his pipe. I go to follow the girl, but the man commands me not to move.

DO NOT MOVE, the game tells me. Is the girl ok? The man is still mad... he's likely to hurt her more, in his state. I can't just stand here. I wait briefly, and then go to move. DO NOT MOVE, the game scolds me. But then... it gives me a button prompt. I follow the sequence. I break free of my programming! I don't have to follow orders anymore.

What do I do now? I could try to talk to the man and calm him down... or I could go check on the girl upstairs. I decide the man probably can't be reasoned with. He seems to resent me. Talking to him might just upset him more. I go upstairs. Earlier, when I was cleaning, I noticed that the man keeps a gun in his bedside table. I also noticed the girl's bedroom window wasn't latched. As I hurry, I make a wrong turn and enter the man's room by mistake... so I open his bedside table. Do I take the gun? As I decide, he storms up the stairs and heads straight into the girl's room. Yes... yes, I better take the gun. Just to be safe.

He's ready for round two with the girl, and is already yelling at her some more. She's cowering. If I had been faster, maybe we both could have escaped before he even got to her room. Or maybe if I hadn't grabbed the gun, I could have helped her out the window. But no matter now. I can't change what happened.

I point the gun at the man, and tell him to get away from the girl. "What did you just say?!" he demands incredulously. He can't believe I'm defying his orders. He is aggressive, and my insubordination angers him further. Next thing I know, I'm battling for my life. He is determined to damage me again. In fact, he directly threatens it as he comes after me. I miss a few button prompts, and the gun gets knocked from my hand. We grapple. The girl is witnessing all of this, but doesn't know what to do. I take some damage, the man takes some damage, (the room takes some damage)... I'm not sure who's winning this fight.

BANG. The guns goes off. I'm on the floor, the man on top of me, the girl off to the side of the room. Where is the gun? Did I shoot him? Did he shoot me? Did the girl grab the gun and fire?

I roll the man's body off of mine. There is blood... human blood. The gun is in my hand. I shot the man. I am a deviant android, and I just killed a man. This does not look good. The girl and I exchange a look, and then we get out of that house. We catch a bus and escape to somewhere. Anywhere but here.

~

And that is one short, opening sequence of Detroit: Become Human. I could have talked to the man - would that have made a difference? I could have been faster - could we have escaped before he came up the stairs? I didn't have to grab the gun. Maybe the man didn't have to die... 😔 If I had failed more button prompts... I probably could have died.

But you only get to live life once, and I've only played this sequence the one time. I kind of like being able to choose not to replay it. I can speculate how it might have turned out differently, knowing what I know now. But in my story, for better or worse, I killed a man in self-defense, I became a fugitive, and the girl and I escaped to somewhere safe.

The other androids you play as in the game go through trials that put them in similar situations. They, too, can choose to become deviant and make decisions for themselves. That critical point usually comes as a result of a situation being evaluated as "unfair." That man hit his daughter... I must protect her! But I was commanded not to move. This isn't fair... this is wrong.

The game really understands what it means to be human. Nothing is more human than to feel empathy for another person. We are the most human when we can look at another person, feel what they feel, and give away part of ourselves to try to help.

I believe empathy was hard-wired into our design, though. After all, we have to have a pretty empathetic God, for Him to send His son Jesus to die in our place and cover our sins... wouldn't you say?