Step 1: Decide that you would like to have a shelf in your kitchen, and go buy a shelf. (Pro tip: order it online and have it delivered to your doorstep for maximum convenience and optimal laziness!)
"A writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway." Junot Diaz
Tuesday, February 23, 2021
A Handy Home Improvement Guide for Real People
Tuesday, February 2, 2021
How do you measure a year in a life?
Monday, December 14, 2020
Tuesday, November 10, 2020
Let's call it a wrap!
Word count:
Day 1 - 822
Day 2 - 1,232
Day 3 - 124
Day 4 - 618
Day 5 - 46
Day 6 - 911
Day 7 - 983
Day 8 - 624
Day 9 - 854
Day 10 - 531
Grand Total: 6,745 words
Monday, November 9, 2020
The Tell-Tale Thump in the Night
It started out like any other evening.
After a long day of work and other errands, I settled down on my couch. A brief stint playing a video game turned into reading a book of short stories, which eventually progressed into exhaustion. The midnight witching hour wasn't too far off by the time I dragged myself upstairs to get ready for bed. I eased under the covers and opened my second book - a Jane Austen, and a challenge - for one last quick read before succumbing to the blank nothingness of not-quite-enough sleep ahead of doing it all over again the next day.
As I scoured through Austen's densely-packed words, I knew I'd hit the jackpot when I began uncomprehendingly reading the same paragraph over and over again. It's time to give it up for the night, I told myself. You'll finish the chapter tomorrow. I closed the book, both reluctant and satisfied, and turned off the light. Time to drift.
Thump thump thump thump.
My eyes jolted open. Had I imagined the noise? What time is it? About 1:15 am, I noted. I was alarmed, but not overly concerned. Probably just house noises, I meditated. Could be the wind. Maybe traffic noise? A trash can lid. Something innocuous, no doubt. It won't happen again... but I'll listen just in case.
Thump thump thump thump.
My heart jumped into my throat. What on earth could that be, at this time of night? It sounds like someone pounding on a door... but why now? And really, wouldn't they ring the doorbell, if it was urgent? I reasoned. I check my phone - no missed calls or texts.
Do I get up? I thought. If it's not someone knocking - and even if it is - then it's someone breaking in, isn't it? On the other hand, I considered, wouldn't they be louder if they were breaking and entering? If I assume the worst, I argued with myself, then someone is slowly and methodically prying my house apart to work their way in. Do I really want to run into them, in the middle of the night?
Thump thump thump thump.
It's not stopping. If I don't go investigate, I'll never get back to sleep. I sat on the edge of my bed. And this is exactly what EVERY victim in EVERY horror movie EVER said RIGHT BEFORE THEY DIED. I sighed. I'll just start by getting up, making a little noise by walking to the bathroom, and I'll see if it happens aga-
Thump thump thump thump.
Ok, I resolved. That settles it. I have to know. It's just a noise - no evidence yet, no reason to panic, no need to call anyone and create unnecessary worry. I pulled out my metal baseball bat. I can't fathom what it is or why I can hear it so well, but I'll 'grand slam' whatever is out there or I'll prove it's nothing and maybe I'll still be able to get some sleep tonight. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't?
I gingerly opened the door and flipped on the light to the landing. So far, nothing to cause alarm. Light scares away predators, I mused. Or... does it attract them like a moth to a flame?
I crept down the stairs, phone in one hand, bat in the other. A real life Nancy Wheeler, I rolled my eyes. A demogorgon would sure hate to run into you alone in the dark. I quickly flipped on the living room light and scoured my house while remaining stationary. Nothing.
Quelling the panic within, I took a seat on the couch, weapon across my knees. I'll just get my bearings for a moment, I reassured myself. I'm nothing if not patient. When the noise happens again, I'll isolate its location like a bat with echolocation. Yes, that's it - I'm Batman. The Dark Knight, steeling myself in the dark night. I laughed nervously... and I waited.
5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. 20 minutes. Silence.
Well, I made it this far, I breathed. Whatever it was, it appeared to be gone - but I knew sleep wouldn't come without a complete search. Zoinks, Scoob! Looks like we've got another mystery on our hands. I eased up from my statue position and braced for the worst.
I crept all throughout my house flipping on lights, peering out windows, jabbing the baseball bat wildly in front of me. Nothing here nor there, and no signs of intelligent life anywhere. Hmph. I closed up shop, and left the outdoor lights on. That'll show those monsters.
Clutching my bat, I trudged back up the stairs, resigned but relieved. I was a little jittery, but it was better than still lying frozen in terror in my bed, drenched in sweat and trying to comfort myself with suppositions, all in vain. No sense in making it easy, though - I locked my bedroom door behind me, turned off the light, and climbed into bed, bat by my side. I'll be ready when the thumps come back, I murmured, sighing deeply and closing my eyes. Just you wait and see.
Sunday, November 8, 2020
"Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door"
As we head into winter, it feels like we're heading into a cave. But this isn't just the cold, dark winter cave with the occasional Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is that, plus COVID continued. This is that, plus more isolation and closures and panic. This is that, plus. And I suspect I'm not the only one who is just a little extra worried and freaked out about what's coming. All this was hard enough back in March, when we were starting to escape winter. We went through spring and summer and fall with only marginal normalcy and very little reprieve... and now we're headed back into winter again, and not much has changed. Can we get through this?
I hope so. Jennie Allen released a podcast episode on Tuesday last week called "Lonely." In it, she recited this quote from Henri Nouwen:
“There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves - our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and our drives - large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born.”
We need each other, to get through everything going on right now. There's a place in our heart that only God can fill, but our relationships with other people are supposed to mirror our relationship with God in terms of love, mercy, and grace, and I think the rest of our heart is supposed to be full from these kinds of generous interactions with others. Nothing calms uncertainty and fear quite like the presence of another.While I do think family is important, you have a sort of blood obligation to your family that you don't have to a friend, so I'm stressing the importance of friendships here. There is something very special about developing a bond and vulnerability with someone who on all accounts owes you nothing, but you both choose to bring what you have to the table and enjoy it or work through it anyway (depending on the situation).
So, if you don't have at least one really good friend going into this upcoming season - preferably, a whole community - whom you can reach out to and be brutally honest with when life gets to be too much, then I would encourage you to be bold and make the first move. Pour into someone you already know and go deeper, or reach out and rekindle a friendship from the past. Get plugged into your church and get involved in a life group. Then, keep at it. Friendship takes time. (On average, 50 hours for a casual friend, 100 hours for a real friend, and 200 hours for a close friend! https://www.today.com/health/how-long-does-it-take-make-friend-friendship-advice-t126538)
We're all going to need to get by with a little help from our friends.
Saturday, November 7, 2020
Back to (New) Normal
Friday, November 6, 2020
"You ought to be thankful, a whole heaping lot, for the places and people you’re lucky you’re not."
So this is Day 6 of blogging every day (say what you want, but I technically still wrote something yesterday, short as it was!). What I've discovered is that I don't think writing itself is ever a struggle for me (just ask the people I text regularly... 😬). The bigger issue is coming up with things to say that I think are worth reading, and fitting the act of writing into my schedule. It gets to be time-consuming, because I research and polish and finesse until every word and sentence and paragraph is just so - which is probably unnecessary at least part of the time, but such is my nature. What can you do?
Anyway, the election has obviously been on the minds of pretty much everyone all week (and will continue to consume life as we know it for the foreseeable future, as far as anyone can tell). I voted, and of course I'd prefer the results to go one way over another, but I'm honestly not that bothered by who wins. I'll explain why.
Sometime in the past (can't recall exactly when - "like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives" 😉), the Bible study group I'm in went through the book of Judges. If you're not familiar with the Biblical timeline up to this point (the books of Genesis through Joshua), it goes (very briefly) like this:
Genesis - Creation. Adam and Eve. Sin. Noah and the flood. The tower of Babel. Abram and Sarai (Abraham and Sarah). God makes a covenant with Abraham. Isaac is born. Abraham's faith is tested. Jacob. Joseph (and how the Israelites ended up in Egypt).
Exodus - The Israelites are slaves in Egypt. Moses and the burning bush. Plagues. Pharaoh eventually lets the Israelites go. Moses is given the ten commandments. Aaron and the gold calf. Ark of the covenant, tabernacle, priests, etc.
Leviticus - Procedures and instructions for offerings and lots of information about conduct.
Numbers - A census of the Israelites. Organizing the tribes and assigning duties. Complaining. Scouts explore Canaan (the promised land). The people panic and rebel. The Israelites are banished to the wilderness for 40 years instead of entering the promised land now. Moses struck the rock and was also forbidden from entering the promised land.
Deuteronomy - Moses pleads with the Israelites to remember and obey. How to divide the promised land. Regulations. Joshua becomes the new leader of the Israelites. Moses dies.
Joshua - Entering the promised land. Rahab protects the spies. Jericho falls. Israel defeats lands and armies and kings (when they obey the Lord). Land is divided amongst the tribes. Joshua dies.
(Sparknotes complete - congratulations!)
The book of Judges occurs during the time period after Joshua dies, but before Israel is governed by kings. Judges (Gideon and Samson, for familiar examples) are appointed by God to rule over Israel for short periods of time. Unfortunately, the Israelites fall into a repetitive pattern of disobeying the Lord, being conquered and oppressed, and crying out to the Lord. The Lord rescues His people by sending a judge, who gets the Israelites back on track - but the judge eventually dies, and Israel goes back to disobeying, being conquered and oppressed, crying out... and so on. The longer the cycle goes on, the further and further away from God the people get. By the end, all sorts of immoral behavior is rampant amongst the Israelites, and one overarching observation is repeated four times: "In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as they saw fit." (Judges 17:6, 18:1, 19:1, 21:25)
However, no matter how many times the Israelites kept screwing up and crying out, God always came to their rescue and provided them with a new leader to throw off their oppressors and restore peace. We witness them reject God as king again and again, but He delivers them out of their distress every time, in spite of their sinfulness. God is always faithful to His covenant with the Israelites, and the book of Judges truly showcases this and, subsequently, points to Jesus in the New Testament (as do so many of the Old Testament books!).
It doesn't sound so bad from what I've described, but it's a dark and tragic time for the Israelites, and even though the judges God appoints accomplish what He needs them to, each judge is more violent and disturbing than the last. One judge leads Israel into idolatry and starts a civil war between the tribes. Another judge thinks sacrificing his daughter will please God. Gideon is a coward, and Samson is violent and sex-crazed. A tent peg gets hammered through someone's head. A pagan temple is built. There's sexual abuse, slaughter, and retribution. It's a huge train wreck.
But God used who was available. Yes, most of the judges were severely flawed, but they had a few redeeming moments (for example, Deborah is great, and Gideon grows in his faith and courage over time). Overall, the book of Judges demonstrates how far the Israelites had fallen... but they were never forsaken by God, and we see countless examples in this book and all throughout the Bible of God using unexpected people who have done terrible things to fulfill His glorious plan.
So Trump or Biden, Republican or Democrat, I know God will use whoever ends up in office to accomplish His purpose. He's got it under control, and thank God for that! I've got enough to worry about with this blog. 😊
Thursday, November 5, 2020
Find the Good News
Hey, wait a second... weren't we supposed to get hit by an asteroid? What happened to that?
https://www.cnet.com/news/looks-like-that-election-day-asteroid-didnt-smack-us-after-all/
Hm. So 2018 social distanced from 2020 in a year plagued by 2019. You know what - that checks out. At least we dodged one bullet this year! 😏
Wednesday, November 4, 2020
What Lies Beneath
It all started when I was in elementary school.
Back in that day, movies were on VHS tapes, music was on cassettes, and computers were ugly, hulking machines. Books then are the same as books now, however, and my love and respect for them hasn't changed over the years.
My family has always been thrifty, so I don't believe we went to see The Pagemaster in theaters, but at some point it showed up in my home video collection (whether bought new or at a garage sale), and it became a fast favorite. A fearful kid, played by Macauley Culkin (circa Home Alone era), finds himself in a grand library. He slips, hits his head, and is transported into a mystical, animated book world, complete with book friends based (and named) on genres: Adventure, Fantasy, and Horror. They go off together and encounter otherworldly settings and characters based on actual stories in these genres (Moby Dick, Treasure Island, Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) while trying to help Macauley's character escape this cartoon world of fiction and get back home. There's plenty of wholesome lessons and eventually a happy ending - I won't spoil everything for you. It's a dated movie, but cute. Watch it, if you get the chance!
I loved this movie, growing up... except for one scene, which haunts me to this day.
One of the first fictional worlds the characters find themselves in is an eerie manor inhabited by a polite, well-dressed doctor. He invites them inside from the elements, and kindly offers them a drink. Adventure accepts, but the drink ends up getting spilled by Horror... and when the liquid eats a hole in the floor, it becomes evident by the mood and tone so far what story and genre our protagonists are in.
The respectable gentleman downs his own drink and starts to undergo his transformation. "Doctor... Jekyll?" our cautious hero stammers. The man, now bedraggled, slowly creeps toward the screen, fingers interlocked over his face. "My name is... MR. HYDE!" he screams, quickly removing his fingers and revealing a gruesome, horrific, nightmare-inducing face with red eyes, pointed teeth, and a sickening pallor. Consumed by madness, Mr. Hyde chases the characters around the manor until they find a way to escape into the next story.
Mr. Hyde's face... is terrifying. (I looked it up to research this post, and it still legit gives me PTSD from being 7-years-old, so I'm not even going to post the screenshot I found. 😰) His slow, intentional, shambling movements toward the camera... his maniacal laughter... his determination to hunt down the boy and his friends at all costs... it all laid a firm foundation for my aversion to jump scares and horror that I fervently cling to, even now.
For the longest time, I feared that the monster resided in the basement of my childhood home, lurking in the shadows, eagerly waiting for the one day I forgot to sprint up the basement stairs to grab me by the ankle and pull me into the darkness. It didn't matter if the light was on or off - I was certain he was right behind me as soon as my back was turned to the open abyss.
I'm a little less plagued by irrational dread now... but once in awhile, the basement shadows will shift and give me pause, and I'll scramble up the stairs just a little quicker than normal and shut the door firmly behind me. The closed door provides safety and a tangible barrier. I have an understanding with the unknown: I'll share my house with whatever lives down there, as long as it agrees to keep quiet and stay out of my sight.
Tuesday, November 3, 2020
"Oh, bother."
In talking with a friend recently, I described that I thought today would be a "sh*tshow" for a few different reasons. Unfortunately, my puppy must have overheard my use of this exaggeration, because she decided to show me how to use that word unironically. 😑
To honor part of the inspiration for her name, I fashioned this short, sweet doggerel that I think paints an accurate picture of the fun I had with the clean-up yesterday:
And left nowhere for her to sit
When she saw what she had done
She stepped her paws in, every one
Monday, November 2, 2020
Journey of a Lifetime (Or: The Beautiful Short Friendship I Had with a Complete Stranger)
I don't hide my love of video games, but once in awhile, I'll find that I catch someone I know off-guard when the subject comes up. ("You're a gamer?! I had no idea!") I've been playing video games since I was little, and though I don't go out of my way to rub that information in anyone's face, I do regularly wear graphic tees showcasing my favorite games. (If you see me walking around in a shirt with an interesting logo you don't recognize, it's not a new underground indie band or some hip new designer label. It's a video game reference, and it's a goal of mine to strike up a conversation with someone astute enough to recognize it for what it is. Most of the time, though, it goes completely unnoticed... and frankly, that's ok too. Who honestly enjoys small talk, anyway?)
To the uninitiated, video games are a waste of time, at best - and straight-up bad for you (and the world as a whole), at worst. I'm here to tell you: it's not true. I've witnessed some of the most amazing art and experienced some of the most poignant moments while playing video games. One such moment came to mind yesterday (while I was brainstorming what on earth I could write about for the next 29 days... haha. 😓).
A lot of gamers stick to a handful of genres or franchises. When I look for a game, I don't really limit myself in that way (although it does help to know that if you enjoyed the last 3 Uncharted games, you'll likely enjoy the 4th one too). Instead, I look for something with spectacle. Does it have a great story? Is it going to shift my perspective? Are the visuals stunning? How's the soundtrack? Is it a unique concept I haven't experienced before? In short: will it blow me away?
One of the games I kept hearing about over and over again was called Journey. It actually came out back in 2012, but I didn't get around to playing it until 2017. (That is how far behind I can get with my backlog of games. 😬)
It's best to go into any game knowing as little as possible. I'd avoided major spoilers, but I knew it was gorgeous, had a beautiful soundtrack, was "artsy" and "short," and had a unique multiplayer twist: you could run into one other player at a time on your "journey" and experience the game together with them, but you would have no idea who they were until the end.
Now, I'm not much for online multiplayer games - I've dabbled a few times in the past (mostly with Destiny), but you won't catch me getting a victory royale in Fortnite in the foreseeable future. Call me old school, but I mostly play single player games, or local couch co-op. Journey had something different to offer, though, and I liked that if I stumbled upon anyone at all (given the game was 5 years old, that was already a pretty big if), I had no way of communicating with them. I couldn't chat with them over headset or message them, and I wouldn't necessarily have to pay them much attention if I didn't want to. The game is short, so we'd be partners for a little while at best, and that would be it. How interesting.
So, I booted up the game.
You start all alone in Journey, as one small, cloaked figure wearing a scarf, trudging through sand dunes toward a mountain. There is no backstory. You don't know how you got there, or where exactly you're going, or why. You can't speak - only "sing" in a sort of unintelligible chirp with the press of a button. There is no narrator. The controls are basic, and what little you need to know is explained visually and melodically as you go. So, you do the only thing it makes sense to do: press forward toward the mountain.
As my character walked, I remember how quiet and lonely it was... but in a beautiful, majestic sort of way, like when you hike alone in nature. The art style of this game was breathtaking. After a short while of walking through the sand, I saw a figure in the distance. Well, it looked like I wasn't going to have a solo Journey after all.
I ran up to the other being. Had he been waiting? He chirped excitedly, little glyphs bouncing above his head, and he jumped and danced in circles. I chirped back - a two-syllable "hello" (but of course there were no words). We continued on together, with him leading the way. Did he know where he was going?
Every so often, he would chirp once or several times, and I would return the conversation. Sometimes he stopped and looked back, waiting. I have no idea what we were talking about, but I tried to interpret the gibberish into the words I imagined were being said:
"Are you still there, friend?" "Yes, I'm here."
"This way, friend!" "Ok!"
"Marco!" "Polo!"
There was no map, and no way to track my companion. At times, he would run off ahead. If we got separated, I found myself starting to worry. I would chirp out a greeting... but hear nothing back. Had I lost him? Did he abandon our game? Was he waiting ahead? Should I wait for him, or proceed? Where did my friend go?
Thankfully, no matter what happened, we always eventually found each other again. Sometimes he was ahead, and sometimes I waited for him. It felt like he knew what he was doing. There was an exasperation in the chirping and jumping at times, when he was trying to indicate what I needed to do. But he was patient, and guided me along.
By the time we reached the end, we had been through a lot together - a "journey," if you will 😏 - and though it was bittersweet, I found the whole experience impactful in so many ways. The visuals and music were just as striking as I had heard, and who knew I'd find a friend along the way? More than that - who knew we'd find a way to communicate with only "singing" and jumping at our disposal?
I know I've played a good game when I'm speechless by the time the credits roll, and that's how I felt at the end of Journey. When it's all over, the game shows you the gamer tag of the person (or people) you played with over the course of your travels. There was just one name listed for me - my friend had stuck by my side til the very end. Even when we had lost each other, he never left.
He sent me a friend request afterward, saying something like, "Wow, I've never played the whole way through with just one person before." Based on his profile, he was clearly from a Spanish-speaking country - so we may not have even been on the same continent together. We never spoke or interacted again, but I cherished my time going on an unknown journey with this complete stranger I'll never meet in real life.
The next day, I started the game up again. This time, I waited in the sand dunes for a cloaked figure walking alone. Now I would be the guide and help someone through their Journey.
Sunday, November 1, 2020
Remember, remember!
I woke up this morning to bizarre dreams and a headache at what I thought was 10 ish... only for my phone to inform me that it was 8:55 am. Oh, right. Daylight Savings Time. That's today, isn't it? This is far too early to be awake on a Sunday in the middle of a pandemic...
Not only is it Daylight Savings Time - the universal sign that Winter Is Coming - it's also the first of November. Everyone knows what that means, right? "That election day is on November 3rd, and all the political ads and mail and texts and calls will stop soon?" Well... yes. (I hope.) But no!
It's National Novel Writing Month! NaNoWriMo, for short. I've heard friends talk about it for years. So, what is it?
National Novel Writing Month began in 1999 as a daunting but straightforward challenge: to write 50,000 words of a novel in thirty days. Now, each year on November 1, hundreds of thousands of people around the world begin to write, determined to end the month with 50,000 words of a brand new novel. They enter the month as elementary school teachers, mechanics, or stay-at-home parents. They leave novelists. (https://nanowrimo.org/about-nano)
In short, it's a goal and accountability. Write (every day) for a month - write a certain number of words by the end - and do it alongside a bunch of other writers trying to do the same thing.
"So you're participating in this 'NaNoWriMo'... is that what you're saying? You're writing a novel?"
Oh, no. I don't think so. But if you're a writer, let me tell you why you should consider putting yourself up to the challenge - or at least a challenge, if you don't follow this one exactly.
When I was in high school, I played the flute and took lessons each week. I practiced regularly. I got to be pretty good! And so, I was strongly encouraged by my teachers to try out for All-State: a rigorous audition process to be selected as one of Iowa's finest high school musicians. 𝅘𝅥𝅮 I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was... 𝅘𝅥𝅮
My Wind Ensemble teacher at the time had this challenge, for those of us trying out for All-State: to practice every day for the 100 days leading up to the audition. Every. Day.
Did I practice every day, normally? No. More often than not, but not every day. But it didn't sound too bad. Wouldn't it be cool and prestigious, to be part of the "100 days" club? I'm nothing, if not stubborn. So I made myself a paper chain with 100 links, wrapped it around my staircase at home, and we were off to the races.
On paper, every day for 100 days doesn't sound too bad. In reality, it means practicing today even though I had school all day and there's a football game this evening and I won't get home til late. It means practicing today even though I have a cold and am not feeling great. It means practicing today even though I really don't want to and my heart isn't in it. It means practicing through all of the "even thoughs."
But that first year I auditioned for All-State, I did it. I practiced every day for 100 days. Some days were better than others, but I never skipped. And when it finally came time to audition? I got called back for a second audition! I didn't progress any further from there - so you are not looking at one of Iowa's finest flutists - but I came close!
And you know what? That was the only year I successfully practiced every day for the 100 days leading up to All-State auditions, and it was the only year I auditioned well enough to even get called back.
When you commit to doing something come hell or high water, you learn discipline, and you build the skill of practice. Some people definitely have more natural talent than others, but you will struggle to improve at anything if you never practice it. Discipline, on the other hand, is just a useful kind of endurance to have for all circumstances. "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." Life is chock-full of situations when we're "not really feeling it." Don't really want to go to work today? Do it anyway. Don't want to mow the lawn/do laundry/vacuum? Do it anyway. Don't want to take that phone call or send that email or schedule that appointment? Do it anyway. Discipline builds strength of character.
So, do I see myself writing a novel? I doubt it. Do I think it would be a good idea to challenge myself to write every day for 30 days? Yes, I think that would strengthen my discipline and be good practice for me. I'm not sure I have enough interesting things to say for 30 days, but it's worth it to try... write? 😉
Wednesday, September 16, 2020
"I got a rock," said Charlie Brown.
When I decided to have them delivered earlier this year - because yes, this was an actionable choice that I made, once - I was surprised by how small the pile looked to me. Three tons of landscaping river rock sounds like a mountain! ...But the pile respectfully stayed on its side of my driveway, and only covered a third of its half (that's a sixth, for you math wizards out there 😉). "Are you sure this will be enough?" I remember asking my mom naively.
I've had some minor run-ins with landscaping before, so I knew it wasn't going to be a fun time, but I started out as enthusiastic for manual labor as I was capable of being. I began on section one of three with guidance from my mom. When the time came, I grabbed my shovel and a wheelbarrow borrowed from a neighbor, and anxiously braced myself. Let's do this!
I thrust the metal shovel into the middle of the pile of rocks, imagining a scoopful gently falling into the cup and filling it up. Instead, I heard an awful clang and met hard resistance. A handful of cooperative rocks nudged their way onto the very edge of the shovel... and that's it. Ok, I thought. I'll try harder. The rocks were stubborn. They don't naturally roll, as countless songs and artists would lead you to believe. Once they've settled, they're perfectly content to stay put.
My technique improved over time - as counterintuitive as it sounds, it's easiest to shovel rock from the bottom, where it meets the ground at concrete-level - but the task itself never got any easier. Rock is heavy, and dirty, and difficult. Too much in the wheelbarrow, and you can't maneuver it. Not enough, and it's wasted effort. When I finished with the first section that day, exhausted, sore, and covered in dirt, I looked back at the pile of rocks, and was disappointed to find that the pile didn't look much different to me from when I'd started. This was a terrible mistake.
A friend confirmed my worst fears, later on: "Did your rock pile get bigger since the last time I saw it?" 😟
Even as I recruited help for other sections, the pile of rocks remained a constant in my life: always there, taunting me. "You'll never finish," it said. "You'll always have more to work on." "We'll always be here, blocking your path and weighing you down." You're not enough.
I finished my landscaping, recently... but the pile of rocks remains. (There never should've been a question as to whether the pile was big enough, I see now.) From some angles, it looks deceptively small, but I know how much effort is involved in each scoop. I know how much of a burden it is, even at its smallest. It tortures me, that it's still there after I've put so much work into it already.

In a lot of ways, my experience with the pile of rocks mirrors my own sanctification process. My past, my sins, my fears, my worries, my natural tendencies that are preyed upon by the devil... this is my pile of spiritual rocks. Some days, they don't seem like that much. Is this it? Other days, they feel impossible and overwhelming. I try to chip away at them earnestly some times, and other times I just stare at them as I go about my life. Once in awhile, I look at them and question if the pile is actually getting bigger?! But every day they're there, and usually I find them discouraging, not a measure of how far I've come.
The difference between my actual pile of rocks and my spiritual one, though, comes down to Christ. I may be responsible for moving the rock in my driveway, but the rock in my heart will be moved by Jesus as my faith continues to grow in Him. I can try to move it all by myself - but it's really a fool's errand out of a desperate desire for control. The only effort that is truly required by me is trusting Christ to shovel my mess, one scoop at a time. That sounds too easy, and I don't do that perfectly - not even close - but I do keep trying to just trust.
Some day very soon, the pile of rocks will be gone from my driveway. I'll hose off the concrete, and I'll admire the absence of the rocks. I'll celebrate, and I'll remind myself not to start anymore landscaping projects for a long while. In time, I'll forget the rocks were ever there. There will be no trace of them, they won't be a stumbling block and an eyesore, and I won't remember the agony they caused me.
As long as I'm here on this earth, I think there will always be a spiritual pile of rocks (although I hope it keeps shrinking - even if I can't always tell). But I hope that's how I feel about these internal rocks someday, too: here today, but gone tomorrow. A distant memory, a faded image, gone without a trace. "Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are." Romans 8:18-19
Monday, August 31, 2020
Do you know what you write, or do you write what you know?
Last week, I found my mind requiring entertainment (boredom is not a state I tolerate well). I'm not sure if I was inspired or just desperate, but I pulled up my Hoopla library app on my phone and began the arduous process of searching for the perfect audiobook.
What to look for? Something non-fiction to encourage a renewed mind? No... that genre must be selected sparingly. I wanted to escape, not dissect myself. Something popular and current? No... I was already reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, the Hunger Games prequel, on the side. (I've finished it now - highly recommend!) And so, I scrolled through and stumbled upon a classic I'd never read, but have some familiarity with due to its movie equivalent: The Great Gatsby.
It felt like the right choice. (Remember the start of this year, back when people threw parties without a second thought, and many of them were themed around "the Roaring Twenties"? Feels so long ago, now...) I approached the book with skepticism all the same. What is this, high school English lit class? Do I really want to read a literary classic? Is it going to require too much concentration to understand, too much analysis to appreciate, too much... thoughtfulness? Yet, it's regarded as one of the greatest novels of all time. That, in and of itself, should be enough to warrant a listen, should it not?
So I settled in with only middle-of-the-road expectations. I've been out of school awhile now. Give me a world to be immersed in, not a lesson to learn. Of course, I got more than I bargained for: both.
I won't spoil the book for you, in case you haven't read it yourself... but you'll be pleased (or perhaps disappointed) to know that humanity hasn't changed all that much in a nickel short of a century. Many of the themes of the book are still as prevalent today as they were when it was written. We're still selfish, and proud, and greedy. We long to recapture the past (what a poignant thought, in 2020 especially). We're still broken, in a fascinating, starry-eyed sort of way.
Not wanting to miss anything, I consulted SparkNotes for ol' Gatsby - I have plenty of my own takeaways from the book, but I enjoy the perspectives of others and the opportunity to catch things I missed. It certainly helped! But I also found a lot of attention given to little details I scarcely noticed: the symbolism behind a character clumsily knocking a clock off a table, places in the book being representative of groups of people and ideas of the time, weather indicating the emotional tone of the story. I applauded the exhaustive examination, but for me, it begged the question... was it all intentional?
Did F. Scott Fitzgerald write the perfect book, and carefully pepper all of these themes and motifs and symbols throughout his novel? Was it purposeful? When he finished, did he marvel to himself at his own genius and pat himself on the back? I imagine him chortling: "Congrats on a job well done, old sport - you'll have your readers perplexed long after you're gone!"
Or... did Fitzgerald just write what he knew? Did he create a lovable story based on a collection of his own life, his own experiences, his own observations... and it just happened to become a lasting masterpiece? Did he really mean anything by the clock being knocked off the table, or was his character just nervous, and Fitzgerald looked around his own study for inspiration? Perhaps a friend came over earlier that day and bumped into a table, giving him the idea. Was it blisteringly hot one day, when he wrote? When he started working on the next chapter, was there a chill in the air? How much emphasis did he really put in specific settings in his novel - or did his characters just need some different places to go?
I'll tell you what I do know. Fitzgerald's book wasn't particularly popular during his lifetime. It didn't become a classic until after his death - during WWII, as part of an initiative to distribute books to soldiers abroad. (More information about the history, if you have the interest and the time: https://blog.bookstellyouwhy.com/the-great-gatsbys-rocky-road-to-popularity)
I suppose I'll never know how much of the deep analysis of every detail on SparkNotes is real, and how much is happenstance. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. That teaches me a lesson all its own: it's human nature, to search for meaning in every moment. We long for everything to matter, for things to happen for a reason, for significance. When you look hard enough, you can find most anything you want. The ever watchful eyes of Doctor T. J. Eckleburg stare on.
Friday, August 21, 2020
Please Don't Stop the ~Music~ Makes Me Lose Control
I've always loved music. For the most part, I love all genres equally. (Except for a lot of country music... sorry to all you boot-scootin' types!) I can jam to classical music just as well as I can jam to R&B. Musicals hold the same place in my heart as pop and rock. I find it fascinating, the way music can break down walls, transcend time and space, and communicate so much about life.
In high school, I had a hipster friend who introduced me to my first mash-up. I feel like mash-ups are a relatively unknown and underappreciated art. You can probably guess by the name what they are: "a recording created by digitally combining and synchronizing instrumental tracks with vocal tracks from two or more different songs." More simply put: a fusion.
This was my first introduction to mash-ups, and it's still one of my favorites (Green Day vs. Oasis vs. Travis vs. Eminem "Boulevard of Broken Songs"): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvwzDogVBf8
These mixtures take a lot of work to make! Finding songs that have a similar tempo, a similar melodic structure, sometimes even similar lyrics and tone... and then carefully splicing them together in all the right places to create something new that's cohesive? I can't imagine the level of creativity it takes to do this. I'll be the first to tell you that sometimes, it doesn't work. But when it does, it's magic!
Snow Patrol vs. The Police "Every Car You Chase" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGU4ZRstxpY
Eurythmics vs. The White Stripes "Sweet Dreams are Made of Seven Nation Army" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT5eJwgAtvY
Weezer vs. The Black Eyed Peas "Feeling the Sun" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL98W3edFa4
Clean Bandit vs. Earth, Wind & Fire "Rather It Be September" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZnf5Uckdug
Backstreet Boys vs. Panic! At The Disco "Everybody's Victorious" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAIaxBrgMKY
Santana vs. Camila Cabello "Smooth Havana" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1--H6uhmqvc
Bee Gees vs. AC/DC "Stayin' in Black" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrlWWrSwaB8
Daft Punk vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers "Lose Yourself to Californication" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6hAGk6s20E
I have so many more I could share... that's just a few I really think exemplify the beauty of this craft. It's like they were written to go together! I also have some I love for the way they mix genres that seem like there is no way they should belong in the same mash-up. (And yet...?!)
The Chemical Brothers vs. John Williams [Star Wars] "Galvanize the Empire" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M87NeUD5XiU
The Black Eyed Peas vs. Mozart - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KpvuUS4U8w (language... you've been warned)
LMFAO vs. Hans Zimmer [Inception] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyjz3lekieQ
Ariana Grande vs. Taylor Swift vs. The Phantom of the Opera "Phantom Looking Woman" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcMBPyxBQS4
Ed Sheeran vs. Disturbed "Shape of the Sickness" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PeeDCnoG3k
TLC vs. Hamilton "The Schuyler Sisters Want No Scrubs" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxC7Gqmok1s
Imagine Dragons vs. Carrie Underwood "Cheating Warriors" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-0ttPenkwg (closest I can get to country, y'all!)
Fergie vs. Parov Stelar [swing] "Fergie's Booty" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwDKnXMZ8NQ (more language)
Lady Gaga vs. ...a Renaissance Faire? You really just have to give it a shot, and the lyrics are the absolute best - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2zpbcW-h-c
(Pro tip: the comments section on all of these make for a great read!)
I love all the original songs by themselves, too. At the end of the day, I know mash-ups aren't for everyone. They're weird! But in a world and a time when we are so focused on our differences, a mentality of 'us vs. them', and all the things that separate us... I think we should be a little more open-minded. It doesn't have to be this or that; sometimes, it can be both. And both can be better! So I challenge you to try more both, more and, and more together. Dip your French fries in ice cream. ;) And if you find a great mash-up I need to hear, by all means, hit me up! I'm always looking for more and would love to swap you.
Monday, July 27, 2020
My Little Dog and I
As they so often do
To pondering how relationships
Reflect the love of Christ
Different bonds reveal different things
But sometimes I think
God's love is best mirrored
Between my dog and I
My little dog, she does not worry
For food, nor water, nor bed
She trusts
I will take care of her
And I provide
What she needs when she needs it
Though we don't share the same language
She understands my tone
And I hers
She recognizes my voice
And I know her bark,
Her growl, and her sigh
She longs to follow me
Wherever I go
But when I must leave her behind
She believes in my return
Patiently, she waits
With eager eyes and a wiggling tail
When I come back
She shouts for joy
And scampers around the room
Her licks and nibbles and whines
Tell me how much she missed me,
How glad she is that I'm home
In times of distress
Her eyes search mine
She comes to me to be kept safe
I hold her
My voice soothing and hand gentle
And we comfort each other
But best of all is when we both are tired
And lay side by side
Her, nestled in the crook of my arm
The world stops
Our hearts swell with love and peace
And for a short while
I can imagine
What eternity in heaven might feel like
Just my little dog and I
~
Some inspiring verses:
1 John 4:16
Matthew 6:26-32
Romans 8:26-27
John 10:27
1 Peter 1:8
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Philippians 4:6-7
Psalm 4:8
Revelation 21:4
Monday, July 6, 2020
Nostalgia sure ain't what it used to be
While I was at my mom's over the weekend, she asked me for more of my memories that she could write about. (Kind of defeats the purpose... but I let it slide.) I reminded her of some basic facets of my childhood... but I think this prompt is what sunk me into a deep nostalgia rut. The word 'nostalgia' itself is a very telling word: 'nostos' (Greek), meaning "return home" and 'algos,' meaning "pain." So essentially, "homecoming pain" or "homesickness."
Everyone feels nostalgia now and then, but I find it to be a little like quicksand: if you stand in it too long, you start to sink and get stuck. What started as some thoughtful reminiscing about a favorite Disney/Pixar movie then reminded me of another movie, which reminded me of one of my favorite college marching band shows. I started thinking of so many different tunes and drill and form and moments. Band camp, and rehearsals, and (a very few) unbelievable football victories, and (a lot more) heartbreaking football defeats. Memories of playing the fight song everywhere, chants, roving... but at the end of the day, always coming together as one united group and singing "The Bells of Iowa State." From there, it was a short trip to high school marching band memories, and then flashes of so many different instances of people and places throughout my entire life. Most of these memories are happy, and great, and wonderful... but the more I thought about them all, the more I felt sad - a deep heartache. I miss being a part of these things. I miss the hard work and the joy that came with it. I miss the people. And behind it all, is this loss - this feeling that all of these things are gone now, and can never be recaptured. They live on only in memories, because they can't be experienced again. In a way, they're dead. And how strange, to have all these full sections of my life that are completely unknown to some of the people I know now!
Maybe it hurts just a little bit more than it normally would at this moment, because we are all living in this uncertain haze. Will there be football in the fall? What will sports look like? What will amusement parks look like, or international travel, or theater? A lot of the 4th of July celebrations were cancelled this year. The state fair is cancelled. What will school look like? When will it all go back to normal? ...Will it ever go back to normal? "Lord, how long will this go on?" (Isaiah 6:11)
There are days when the pain brought on by all of this unknown is just too much to bear. We are all grieving, and if you've never experienced grief, let me tell you that it can be a miserable process. Sometimes you're fine, and sometimes you're not. Sometimes you think you've accepted it, and then the next day you feel like you're back at square one again. You deny, and you rage, and you cry, and you bargain. And then eventually... you wake up one day and realize you're in a good place. You don't remember getting there. You wonder if it will last. ...But for now, you're ok. And you will be ok.
I'm not there yet, with COVID. Some days, I'm still in the denial phase. (I'd love for it to take the hint and get lost.) But even though I can't relive all the weird patchwork echoes of my past that have shaped me into the person I am now, I can trust that there are going to be more (different, unique, but just as lovely) memories I'll make in the future... and life will eventually feel normal again, whether it looks the way I'm used to or ends up being a bit different. This is all part of a grand plan, and I'm just along for the ride. (And for the record: don't hesitate to ask me about anything marching band-related. I would be delighted to show you my favorite memories! 😉)
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
One day [the serpent] asked the woman, "Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?"
"Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden," the woman replied. "It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, 'You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.'"
"You won't die!" the serpent replied to the woman. "God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil."
The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. Genesis 3:1-6"Fantastic," I can hear you saying. "So I was created to crave perfection, but I can't achieve it, I'll never be satisfied, and everything is meaningless. Is that the point you're trying to convey? Isn't that hugely disappointing and discouraging?"
Well, yes. It is... if the story stopped there. But Jesus came, lived a perfect life in this imperfect world, and became a sacrifice for us because we aren't capable of meeting God's standards. His blood paid - and continues to pay - and will pay - for all our imperfections. So every time I feel like I'm not enough, and I "should" something else, I can remember that Christ is enough, so I don't have to be. And thank goodness for that, because I can't.
"Ah, ok," you say. "Then I don't have to do anything. No obligations!" ...Technically, if you believe in Christ, then yes. But my friend James says "faith without works is dead."
You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can't you see that faith without good deeds is useless? James 2:19-20So no, I'm not saying there should be no more "shoulds." But the devil definitely still manipulates "should" from a healthy guilt into a false guilt to try to trap us. False guilt isn't true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, or admirable. It's instead focused around fear of disapproval. That doesn't benefit anyone, especially myself! Go back and re-read my "shoulds" from above - don't you see how they all spiraled into self-defeating lies?
Let's re-write them so they're based in truth:
To close, a small bit of wisdom that allows us to come full circle: I can't make my shadow go away, but I notice it less if I focus my attention up at the light instead of down on myself. "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Colossians 3:2


































